Weddings?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Whose paying for weddings for their kids and why or why not?

I am not. I am worried enough about paying for college and i'd rather pay for college 100% then give them anything for a wedding. If they don't go to college then trade school or certificate.

[disneysteve]

I can't say I've really thought about it. The long-time regulars here may recall that we are Jewish and our daughter had her Bat Mitzvah 5 years ago. We saved for that from the time she was born and had a very nice reception after the service.

If and when she gets married, I am sure that we would at least contribute to the cost of the reception but I don't think we'd pay the full cost if she and her partner wanted anything extravagant (which really isn't her style anyway). If they want something more modest, our contribution might cover a bigger percentage. I would expect that his family would pay part and that the couple themselves would also cover part. It would be a group effort.

[MoneyLifeandMore]

I just recently got married and our parents helped as much as they could, but it wasn't much. I don't think parents should have to pay for a wedding, because if the couple is paying they'll likely keep the costs more under control like we did.

[moneybags]

I will contribute a set amount to the couple and they can spend as they want. I don't know what that dollar amount is yet, but it won't be enough to cover a $40,000 wedding.

[Thrif-t]

No way could we pay for the whole thing for all 3 of our kids, but I'm sure we'll contribute what we can.

[BuckyBadger]

My parents gave us a set amount of money and we could use it for anything we wanted. We could spend it all on the wedding and add some of our own, or we could elope and keep the cash for ourselves. (His parents also gave us a smaller amount of money, although there was an expectation that it was given to is "for a wedding" as opposed to just being for "the benefit of us.")

We did end up having a fairly reasonable wedding - nothing too extravagant, but we did spend the money our parents gave us and kicked in a few thousand dollars of our own. Had we done things differently, we probably could have gotten away with not spending any of our own money, but we were in an okay place in our life financially and we wanted to spend a bit more.

I think that that is a good idea. Give what you're comfortable giving, and let the couple spend it as they want. If they want more, they can come up with it on their own.

[phantom]

When I got married 4 years ago, my parents paid for the wedding. My mom started by telling me that she and my dad would pay $5,000 for my wedding, and if I wanted anything more than that, it was up to me to cover the difference. When we started looking at venues for the reception though, we realized that to invite the number of guests that my mom wanted to invite, we were looking at close to $4,000 just for the food and the venue, and $1,000 wasn't going to cover a DJ, photographer, flowers, the ceremony, and my dress. My inclination was to cut the guest list or cut back in general before increasing the cost of the wedding, but my mom came up with another $1,000, and we made the wedding work for $6,000.

My husband and I paid for things like our wedding bands, our honeymoon, and gifts for our wedding party. Bridesmaids paid for their own dresses, and groomsmen paid for their own tux rentals. My husband's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. I don't really consider any of those things to be part of the cost of the wedding, but I've seen people count them before. So, I figured that I should clarify who paid.

I think it made sense for my parents to pay for my wedding because my mom was the one who really wanted a big party and she could afford to pay for one. I've never been a fan of parties, and my husband and I were buying a house, so we wanted to spend our money on our house rather than on our wedding. Had funding the wedding been entirely on us, the event probably would have been much smaller and less expensive, and my mom would have been very disappointed. It wasn't that I didn't want a big event, but it definitely wasn't a priority.

I didn't get married until 5 years after I graduated college, and my sister had been out of school for a year at that point. So, my parents had time between helping to pay for college and paying for my wedding to save up. If my sister ever gets married, I'm sure my parents will pay for a wedding for her too. But, considering that she doesn't get out much and has never dated, it seems unlikely that she'll marry.

We don't have kids yet, so I'm not entirely sure what we'll do as far as paying for a wedding goes. But, I think it's likely that we'll come up with some amount of money that we can afford and that we think would pay for a modest wedding. Then we'll tell them it's theirs to use however they like to use for a wedding or a house or a honeymoon or whatever with the only condition being that I actually get to be there for the wedding. (If they just want to elope in Vegas, I'm not paying for it.)

[BuckyBadger]

Phantom, your post makes me want to clarify - my method of, "here's $X,XXX, go do your thing" presupposes that the parents aren't then going to make some sort of edict about the wedding, such as, "you have to invite all these people you don't know that will cost an extra thousands of dollars."

For my method to work the parents must be hands-off the wedding.

[phantom]

Phantom, your post makes me want to clarify - my method of, "here's $X,XXX, go do your thing" presupposes that the parents aren't then going to make some sort of edict about the wedding, such as, "you have to invite all these people you don't know that will cost an extra thousands of dollars."

For my method to work the parents must be hands-off the wedding.

I agree that in order for parents setting a budget and letting their kids handle the details to work well, the parents shouldn't make crazy demands. When I'm a parent paying for a wedding, I plan to keep the demands to a minimum. I figure if I do my job right, I shouldn't need to make rules like, "no using the money I give you to buy a wedding dress that looks more like a stripper costume." But, I reserve the right to make up rules like that if I need to in order to avoid paying for decisions I strongly dislike.

I can't say I really minded the guest list demands my mom put on my wedding, especially since she was able to recognize that the budget she gave me wasn't going to be stretch as far as she thought. The people she wanted me to invite that I would have cut were all people that I did know, but they weren't people I knew well or that were really important to me. We're talking about second cousins who I'd see about once a year and neighbors who were parents of kids that I used to play with when I was little. These were people who had invited my mom to their kids' weddings. So, she wanted to be able to invite them to a wedding. So as long as my mom was willing to pay for them to be there, I didn't mind inviting them.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I wonder did anyone here have one of the "average" price weddings of $25k?

[edg126]

I got married last June and my wife's parents paid for the whole thing, about 22K. They wanted the big showy wedding. I wanted to have a 2K wedding and pocket the rest, but they made it use it or lose it, so it just spiraled into that. 22K was with us being really stingy with it, it easily could have been 40 or 50 with little extra effort...


My wife and I have such large families that I thought having another big one would have been a waste of money. We had like 10 weddings last year, 5 for our different families so we kept seeing the same people at weddings doing the same routines. At least ours was a LITTLE different in that it wasn't at a catering hall, but a historic mansion with large grounds.

As for my kids, I'd definitely give them a large wedding gift, and if their heart is set on the 20K type weddings then I'll do it, but I'll be encouraging them subtlely for a smaller wedding.

[BMEPhDinCO]

We did what DisneySteve suggested - 1/3 was covered by us, 1/3 by my family, 1/3 by his family. We kept the cost fairly reasonable, for all the people invited and what we did! Including honeymoon, gifts, blah blah blah, it was around $10k (I think, this was a few years ago)... I think my family also covered some of the relatives' hotel rooms and same for his family, but this was not part of our budget.

I think that unless you are married at 18, right out of high school, you should pay for part of the wedding. I'd like to think that parents are willing to chip in as well, but it is YOUR day after all.

Also, there's an age thing again in that if you are in your mid-30s, second wedding, etc, that should be more on you assuming you have more by that time.

[riverwed070707]

I just recently got married and our parents helped as much as they could, but it wasn't much. I don't think parents should have to pay for a wedding, because if the couple is paying they'll likely keep the costs more under control like we did.

I think it made sense for my parents to pay for my wedding because my mom was the one who really wanted a big party and she could afford to pay for one. I've never been a fan of parties, and my husband and I were buying a house, so we wanted to spend our money on our house rather than on our wedding. Had funding the wedding been entirely on us, the event probably would have been much smaller and less expensive, and my mom would have been very disappointed. It wasn't that I didn't want a big event, but it definitely wasn't a priority.

When I read MFL&M's comment, this is exactly what came to mind for me. I'm a wedding planner and it never fails to amaze me how often the wedding is a social event for the parents who invite every aquaintence they've ever met, even if they don't know the bride and groom. In those instances, I absolutely think the parents are obligated to chip in. For all other circumstances, my opinion is that the couple should go into it planning and assuming they will be paying out of pocket and if they parents wish to contribute, its a nice bonus. A wedding should't be a financial strain on the family.

We did what DisneySteve suggested - 1/3 was covered by us, 1/3 by my family, 1/3 by his family. We kept the cost fairly reasonable, for all the people invited and what we did! Including honeymoon, gifts, blah blah blah, it was around $10k (I think, this was a few years ago)... I think my family also covered some of the relatives' hotel rooms and same for his family, but this was not part of our budget.

I think that unless you are married at 18, right out of high school, you should pay for part of the wedding. I'd like to think that parents are willing to chip in as well, but it is YOUR day after all.

Also, there's an age thing again in that if you are in your mid-30s, second wedding, etc, that should be more on you assuming you have more by that time.

Why should parents be responsible for covering their 18 year olds wedding, as opposed to a 23 year old? Perhaps the 18 year old who wants to play grown up should demonstrate it by saving to pay for the wedding first. There is no guaranteed right to a big party after you tie the knot. If the couple can't afford it, they can wait. Also don't really agree with teh second part of the statement -- is there an expiration on a parents wedding gift? Like if you don't get married in your 20s, you no longer deserve their contribution? If parents contribute it should be because they want to and not based on the financial status of the child.

[Goldy1]

I got married on a cruise ship. very small reception. cost about 2 grand. I'm still married 12 years later. look at the divorce rate. I was glad to do away with wedding drama. I got married right after college, and my two best friends moved out of state so that was one factor in going small bc they probably wouldn't make it. I also have a small family so it was easier. we still got a video, beautiful pics etc. I wore a low key white dress and veil. my parents paid for it. 2 grand was no biggie. it included the cruise right after. It felt a little lacking flair, you know. I wasn't a princess all night, but it was drama free. (I did fight with my dad over some stuff. some people showed up to my small reception uninvited and racked up the bill but he didn't care and I did but he paid for it so(and they gave no gift to me) I didn't get the whole first dance, wear my dress all night kind of thing, but it was ok. I still love my man and feel attracted to him so I'll take it.

[Goldy1]

I will add the cruise and reception on deck was 2 grand and we paid about $800 for a family dinner in a restaurant the previous night.