Single because I'm a cheapskate

[bennkar]

If you really think you're a cheapskate, you need to re-evaluate how you live. As for me, also single, I don't think I am a chapeskate, though others might look at it that way. Instead I pay for what I like, not what others think I should. As an example, I asked a friend to come over this summer to help with changing the brakes on my car. I could have paid someone to have it done, but I didn't want to spend that money. I did the majority of the work, but when we were done to show him I appreciated the help I gave him a $50 gift certificate for a local high end restaurant (I didn't tell him this ahead of time). He doesn't look at me as cheap anymore (not that he really did before), now he gets it that I spend money only on things I think are worth it, not just for anything.

As for dating, my issues with women doesn't have to do that much with money, but more with the princess phenomenon (its really bad in the big cities). So if you think you're fine, I would say "chill" and just realize things don't always happen on a schedule. I've had to accept that, and I've been fine. Single, but fine.

[Radiance]

I am also a dating girl and I agree kindred frugal spirits are in order for you.
I also agree the key is balance. I save my money, but I enjoy my money as well

Now, I have no problem with coffee dates which are under $10 actually
Then you can stick to drinks 20-40
Dont do dinner...

You would love me! I only eat appetizer
but no, I dont want a boyfriend om his 30s who lives lives like a college student. Life is too short to drink bad wine

[rj.phila]

one more thought-it seems you are equating "cost" and "romance". dont take this personally, but nothing indicates that you have put effort into maximizing the power of a frugal date.

there are tons of fun things to do that are cheap. be proactive. find them. women like dudes who are funny and resourceful, IME. get through a few fun cheap dates-cook a meal, picnic to a park, rollerskating, etc-and see what happens.

and dont EVER let it be known that you are choosing saving over a date. if so, what you are saying is "ive got money, its just more important for me to save it than to spend it on a fun time with you". of course women would run from that message.

[Scanner]

But let's not play around guys, we like money too. We respect guys with a lot of money. And assume they must be doing something right. It's pretty human nature to believe that people with more money are somehow better people. Even though there is ample evidence it's not true - for some reason people (both men and women) believe it.

FWIW - I wash my car before every date

Oh, I totally understand with the mating game, money is on the table. Sex is on the table.

This is the way it's been for 1000's of years and it will continue to be that way. To deny it is to deny human nature.

You don't see too many women hooking up with street bums and you don't see too many men hooking up with 82 year old Witch Hazels.

You can lament women are like this; you can lament men are like this. But this is a biological discussion. Not Personal Finance.

Mmm. . .not sure about the way you treat your car philosophy though. The way you treat your mother perhaps. . .but not your car. A car is just "a thing." Maybe I am being overdefensive though as I do "neglect" my car from time to time.

I also feel guilty as I have ridden it pretty hard, practically pounded it on a Sat. night, JPN

But seriously - People, Money, Things. . .in that order. Go Suze Orman.

But then again, I am also the type of guy who doesn't really give a rats pitootie if my woman wrecked the car.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

What about cheap coffee or drinks first date? To see if you even get along. Why drop serious coin and yes depending on where you live it can be serious coin to go out, for dinner? If you can't even stand the person.

So a lot of my single 30-something friends do drinks after work just to "see" because hey even WOMEN don't want to be stuck chatting to someone they can't stand for 2-3 hours instead of a 30 minute drink. Or they don't find at all attractive.

Granted a couple of beers where I live will be $20 with tip, but hey it's better than dinner, apps, drinks, and dessert.

[MonkeyMama]

I am starting to think the money isn't the issue here, but rather it is your self esteem. Mainly because I have suffered from this type of behavior before in one fashion or another.

You will never truly know how she REALLY is with finances until you truly get to know her. And for that, don't count yourself out of the game for something that hasnt even happened yet

I think this is pretty wise advice.

I see this with a lot of friends. "No one will date me because no one shares my view on money." Then it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I also think it is hard to judge someone from just one meeting. Don't get me wrong, if someone admitted on a first date that they rarely work, are in debt up to their eyeballs, and have no savings, I would probably run for the hills. But, besides glaring red flags, I do think most people should deserve more of a chance than a first date impression. Give it more time and talk about finances as things progress - you may be surprised.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I think there is a lot to meeting potential dates in the right place and way. If you're meeting at expensive places, introduced perhaps by big-spending acquaintances, the chances for an expensive date go up.

Looking back, I was very lucky to have met my spouse the way I did. Our first meeting was at a wedding, a frugal one (!) where the entertainment at the very casual reception was a game of softball. A month later, we coincidentally were volunteering at the same place (The bride and groom had both been volunteers there, too.) and got to know each other as well as 10 or 15 other people quite well. I really got to see there his sincerity in valuing people and his sensible (yes, frugal)people-oriented use of money. In fact, I got to see how remarkably generous and selfless he was with money. That does not conflict with being frugal.

Our first real date cost $0 other than gas money for his motorcycle to go to the park to fly a kite. I think one of us already had the kite. But before that we'd spent many hours in light chat and heavy discussions in a group and occasionally alone, but not really a date. We'd listened to music, played music, read books, parts of books together. We'd done many, many hours of volunteer work together, and had a great circle of common friends.

I hope you won't roll your eyes, but the two of us have recently discovered re-runs of the TV show "How I Met Your Mother," and both like it (He hardly ever likes TV comedy.), I think in part because it reminds us of our younger selves and friends: Casual relationships among a whole group that gradually grow closer and some couples find each other among the group.

Anyway, put yourself in a place where you feel genuinely true to yourself and your beliefs. You may be meet someone who appreciates that true self and you will have important things in common from the start. If you believe, in say, expansion of bike lanes in your city or repair of sidewalks, act on that within your community. Or if you have been thinking you want to spend time in a worship community, do that. If you want to work on changes in tax policy, or bringing performing arts to mental hospitals, or getting more people into antique car touring---whatever--- go for it. Dive right in. Share something important to you, in common with other people.

[Seeker]

Mmm. . .not sure about the way you treat your car philosophy though. The way you treat your mother perhaps. . .but not your car. A car is just "a thing." Maybe I am being overdefensive though as I do "neglect" my car from time to time.

I also feel guilty as I have ridden it pretty hard, practically pounded it on a Sat. night, JPN

But seriously - People, Money, Things. . .in that order. Go Suze Orman.

But then again, I am also the type of guy who doesn't really give a rats pitootie if my woman wrecked the car.

Yeah, as a woman, I don't pay much attention as to how a man treats his car (unless obviously he treats it as more than an inanimate object -- in which case, I run the opposite direction) and most of us, I think, pay more attention as to how a man treats other people, including moms, friends, kids and even pets.

I guess with OP, I feel sort of torn between the fact that OP is this age and he continues to put on a facade.

rj.phila wrote

and dont EVER let it be known that you are choosing saving over a date. if so, what you are saying is "ive got money, its just more important for me to save it than to spend it on a fun time with you". of course women would run from that message.

A woman already knows. Maybe not on the first date, but she will get the subliminal message very quickly. We know when we are being watched, judged, and challenged. We know if any game is being played with us.

The woman OP seeks, is not the same woman that would want to play that game with him.

The woman that OP seeks may have some growing up to do... but in a way, OP and her may be on common ground in that matter. But most woman with their own facade, do not wish to deal with a man who is in his own facade.

OP is torn between what he really is and what he thinks he really should be; until he knows himself, and is comfortable with himself, than anything else he chooses is not really right for him.

[cypher1]

What about cheap coffee or drinks first date? To see if you even get along. Why drop serious coin and yes depending on where you live it can be serious coin to go out, for dinner? If you can't even stand the person.

So a lot of my single 30-something friends do drinks after work just to "see" because hey even WOMEN don't want to be stuck chatting to someone they can't stand for 2-3 hours instead of a 30 minute drink. Or they don't find at all attractive.

THANK YOU!!! I completely agree and use this method. A girl friend was just telling me that women expect to be treated to a nice night out for restaurant and activities. And drinks is just a cheap/poor excuse at trying to impress them. Her words, not mine. I also think its a more casual way of just getting to know someone without as much pressure for both sides.

I hope you won't roll your eyes, but the two of us have recently discovered re-runs of the TV show "How I Met Your Mother," and both like it (He hardly ever likes TV comedy.), I think in part because it reminds us of our younger selves and friends:

That show is legen...waitforit...dary! I got my friends into it also. I'm not big on sitcoms, but the themes of dating/relationships makes that show so appealing to us.

[MonkeyMama]

THANK YOU!!! I completely agree and use this method. A girl friend was just telling me that women expect to be treated to a nice night out for restaurant and activities. And drinks is just a cheap/poor excuse at trying to impress them. Her words, not mine. I also think its a more casual way of just getting to know someone without as much pressure for both sides.

& women tell me all the time I would never find a quality man with my approach to dating. (Being independent and strong minded). I have always been myself and honestly never had problem in the *finding a good mate* department.

As well meaning as others are, take advice like that with a grain of salt. Just be yourself.

[wincrasher]

All of you and your new-fangled ideas.

Find women the way your grandpa did it - go to bar, get drunk, hit on women at the bar (some call them bar-flies) with heart melting lines like "you come here often?" or "what's your sign, baby", drink till closing or until a fight breaks out, take her to your place (you have to have a place for this to work), and let nature take it's course. When she tracks you down at your job a few months later to tell you she's knocked up, boom! you have a relationship.

No nice car needed. You don't even need nice shoes! Just be barf free and able to stand on your own feet for a few seconds when you give her your best line. Good luck!

[cicy33]

Yeah, as a woman, I don't pay much attention as to how a man treats his car (unless obviously he treats it as more than an inanimate object -- in which case, I run the opposite direction) and most of us, I think, pay more attention as to how a man treats other people, including moms, friends, kids and even pets.

I guess with OP, I feel sort of torn between the fact that OP is this age and he continues to put on a facade.

rj.phila wrote


A woman already knows. Maybe not on the first date, but she will get the subliminal message very quickly. We know when we are being watched, judged, and challenged. We know if any game is being played with us.

The woman OP seeks, is not the same woman that would want to play that game with him.

The woman that OP seeks may have some growing up to do... but in a way, OP and her may be on common ground in that matter. But most woman with their own facade, do not wish to deal with a man who is in his own facade.

OP is torn between what he really is and what he thinks he really should be; until he knows himself, and is comfortable with himself, than anything else he chooses is not really right for him.

Actually I think that OP is too busy being worried about getting taken by a gold digger to realize that he is missing some pretty great women out there. I understand not wanting to hook up with someone that just wants his money but maybe, just maybe this is more of a personal issue and not so much a reflection on the general public of women. I think the overall majority of women are good people. Just like the overall majority of men are good people. True there are some serious jerks out there who think woman are there to cater to them but not all. So my point to OP is; quit worrying about your wallet so much and just enjoy life and you will be quite surprised I am sure.

[moneyclass]

nice little story kind of reminds me of someone....myself. i am 29 and i am a big time saver just like you and yes it is hard to keep girls around because they all want things and etc... ive lost alot of women in my past because i was alil bit of a cheapskate but to me i am saving for my retirement and i have my own personal financial goals. there are some and i will say just some girls out there that feel the same. i recently just found one that likes to save and have the same financial goals as me. so my advice keep saving! and just wait for that one shes around (few of them though)

[cicy33]

nice little story kind of reminds me of someone....myself. i am 29 and i am a big time saver just like you and yes it is hard to keep girls around because they all want things and etc... ive lost alot of women in my past because i was alil bit of a cheapskate but to me i am saving for my retirement and i have my own personal financial goals. there are some and i will say just some girls out there that feel the same. i recently just found one that likes to save and have the same financial goals as me. so my advice keep saving! and just wait for that one shes around (few of them though)

You know, I gotta say this. I am a woman. In a very happy relationship btw. I am the saver. I do like to spend but who doesn't. I don't like jewelry, I don't shop, absolutely HATE shoe shopping. I own the bare minimum. 1 pair tennis shoes, 1 pair bike boots (for the harley), 1 pair yard sale crocks, and 1 black and 1 white pair dress shoes for work. my favorite clothes. blue jeans and a t-shirt. so, see there are women out there that don't want anyone to blow money on them. I do however, live with a man that spends, spends, spends. If I don't keep a tight rein on our checking account he can go through money like I have never seen. and yep, he's a Man. so it goes both ways. However, he makes up in so many other ways. He is a good person and treats me well. so I accept that he has this little spending problem that we have to watch and we move on. He freely admits that he goes through money like water if it's available.

And as said here above there are people out there that think like OP but if all you see is money hungry women then that is all you will find. because the more quiet, sensible girls aren't interested in men that are constantly looking for the problem. They want a sensible guy that knows how to balance his life. If you simply live like you preach you will attract that sort of person in good time. But if you go out looking and are like constantly thinking, "hmm, I asked her out for a date and she wants a nice dinner and drink, well she must be a gold digger" you will never find anyone good.

[cschin4]

If you are looking for a carbon copy of yourself, you are going to miss out on life. And, what you truly treasure is going to shine through. If you treasure wealth and money over the love and risk involved with another human being, you may find it a cold comforter in the end. Money isn't something you can hold on to. You should work hard, be responsible and so forth but in reality, it could all be gone in a second, no matter what precautions you take. If you do not love with abandon and all of yourself, neither will that be returned to you.
As for the Civic/Porshce analogy, I would be there are more fond memories of one's car in youth than all the Porsches in a rich man's garage.