Single because I'm a cheapskate

[cypher1]

Or wait, I am confused - when you say "$40.00 for her part" - do you mean you are going dutch and she's chipping in $40.00?
There could be a problem here.

Yeah I think I may have misread also. I was thinking $40 total on date, but $40 per person can definitely add up. I supposed that changes everything for budget.

Scanner, Red Robin is awesome, too bad not many close to my area. For a 2nd or 3rd for eating out, I like Granite City. Nothing fancy, but great menu and own micro brewery.

[kdice]

There are definitely some red flags to me reading the initial post.

If you want a "trophy wife" in the way that is usually defined, you are going to pay for that. "Trophy wife" usually implies a type of beauty that is expensive to maintain. I'm in Phoenix and here it's the "Scottsdale" look. Very well done hair color (hundred plus dollars every 6-8 weeks to maintain), very carefully applied expensive makeup, personal trainer to keep that slim physique, skin products to keep that glow, "just a little work" when things start to wrinkle. This isn't necessarily wanting to be a "princess," it is maintaining a particular definition of beautiful that they feel they need to live up to.

I say this as a woman. The things that make me think this is the kind of beauty you are looking for are your comparison to Porsches and the use of "trophy wife." Media makes it look like that "look" is effortless, but it is not, and it is not cheap.

So, if you want frugal, you will get someone who does the professional hair color a couple times a year and fills in at home in between, uses drugstore makeup, etc. They may very well be attractive by some definitions, but it won't be trophy wife, Porsche, "TV" attractive. So, if that's your expectation, you may have some conflicts in the future.

[Scanner]

You'll have to come to terms with something else on the trophy wife.

Sexuality vs. attractiveness.

The two aren't always inclusive.

You want the hot trophy wife with a Scottsdale look who every time she walks by the thermostat, the furnace kicks on or do you want a more artsy, "Free-spirit" type of woman, who's attractive, but hot-to-trot so to speak?

Money and sex and mating are good topics as they are more joined at the hip than one may realize.

[disneysteve]

Another thing to think about is where you are meeting women and what type of woman you are approaching. If you are hanging out at the trendy coffee bar and looking at women with perfect hair and makeup, designer clothes and a Coach handbag, you are going to get someone with high expectations. If, however, you are meeting women in the park or at the library and they are in no-name jeans and casual t-shirts with their hair pulled back in a ponytail and their stuff in a backpack, you are likely looking at a lower maintenance person.

[Babyu21]

Well I am a woman who is single and dating and this is my take on your situation:

Dating is a game and you have to pay to play. Obviously with your dollar amount per woman per date limit you are definitely limiting your dating pool. So try to fish in the waters where your bait will be attractive.

Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to dates at the park and museums, you could pack a picnic and I am sure that would be nice. But this requires effort and energy on your part. If you don't want to spend the money you must spend the time. And remember if a woman is really attractive she is going to have other men willing to compete for her attention. If you can't compete you need to look elsewhere and adjust your physical requirements.

I am not saying date someone you are not attracted to but you may need to..gasp...try to find something attractive about that frugal woman, or look for a kindred frugal spirit that is willing to work with you.

And honestly I don't know many physically attractive woman willing to living off ramen noodles like a college student for a man. That in and of itself may be a reason to stay single, then you can keep all your money to yourself, which it seems is your preference.

[bemused]

So someone who does not fit your definition of frugal is aka a "Golddigger." You ask "why marry" if your wife will be "entitled" to anything? You're comparing women to Porsches and Hondas? And you are waiting for a "trophy wife"?

Where to start, where to start....
I can't find a single thing in your post that would be attractive to any woman with a lick of sense. I suspect that your frugality is not the main reason you are still single.

Am I shallow or have high standards?

Since you asked, I have no doubt about the former....

[snafu]

I too believe 'you're looking for love in all the wrong places.' You don't mention it so I wonder if you're going to events that attract frugalistas. That's going to church singles events, the library's free/low cost classes, investment firms seminars for investing, the Y rather than private health club, boot camp at the park, the local high school's adult ed's automotive or gourmet cooking class, and travel shows sponsored by travel agencies for example. Rather than make a 1st date a $40. event, why not meet for coffee in a safe, fun environment.

You might undertake a serious review of yourself and your viewpoint. perhaps asking...Why would a 'trophy' wife who is serious about her career want a relationship with you? Are you a johnny one note, consumed with a goal of saving 50% of your income for a fantasy retirement? Is there any element of obsessive-compulsive behavior developing? People who are consumed with saving/investing could have that so ingrained after few years, they will always feel that buying that newer car or travel to X needs another year because the market crashed, employment changed, the sky was overcast etc.

While it's true that 50% of divorces revolve around finances, how many of those reviewed their money philosophy with the other before any commitment?

[Robert742]

I don't think it is a good strategy to lure a woman to you by spending money, when she is going to eventually find out you are a cheapskate.

There are attractive women who appreciate men whom know the value of a dollar. You want to find a woman to whom you are attracted, and shares your values. There is more to attraction than physical appearance.

Maybe try eHarmony? I've heard good things about it for people searching for a serious relationship.

[Scanner]

Well, I think we've all been a little hard on the original poster. . .one woman said, "You gotta pay to play."

Well honey. . .take that philosophy and men could turn it around on the woman.

C'mon now. . .it's Date 3. . .time to pay up. Know what I mean, babe?

I think just follow some basic fundamentals - ask what she likes to do, pay for it at least the first 2 times (maybe all the time if you are chivalrous), as far as the car. . .that's a tricky one, I'll admit.

I've actually heard more than a few women mention "I fell in love with Bob" when I saw his car. WTF? I recently knew of a woman who said, "I went out with him because I liked the truck in his photo." (seriously, she's a 46 year old woman who said that. . .but then said she couldn't deal with the gap in his front teeth, LOL!).

I do think a new car is a display of wealth, as stupid as it is. I know one man who drives a brand new white pick-up 4 X 4, has no job, and is on unemployment chronically. . .lives with mom or bums housing off of the girlfriend, yet pays $600/month for the truck. You see. . .he must be getting something out of that, beleive it or not. Just like women who date the Bad Boy. . .on some fundamental level, they are getting something out that.

What can I say? Women and men often have bad judgment. You can't change that but just have to wish them luck ( and mean it )>

I am really not sure what's up with that. I would think a man's duds would be a little better clue than his car (cares about his health and his appearance) and more pertinent but this does seem to be a fixation with a lot of women. But hey, boobs are a fixation for men so we are all superficial on some leel. So, I am not telling you to not get the Porsche. I bet it WOULD help on some fundamental level, as crazy as it seems. But then again, you've just set bar higher.

Like I said, this is a deeper topic than appears on superficial examination - how to ride that ragged edge of being frugal and expanding your dating pool, who can suck you dry, LOL.

After all, merging from single to a partnership is the single most best financial "upgrade" most of us make (going from single to married - split household expenses) - this is why this is actually a great topic, or at least timely for me, as well and adds another dimension to the dating experience.

[jpg7n16]

I have a theory that women believe that they will be treated in the same way that a man treats his car.

If your car has dents in the side, is very old (rusted, paint peeling), hasn't been cleaned in 4 months, and has trash all over the seats - she'll think that you don't treat things with love and respect. If you show up in a rusted dirty, trash filled Porsche - she probably won't be that impressed.

But if you wash your car, keep a good paint job, keep it clean, running well, and have some neat additions (maybe nice rims, tires, sunroof, etc.) - then she'll feel that you take care of things that matter to you. And by extension, if she matters to you, you'll take care of her.

I would hope that the type of car isn't as important as your treatment of it.

Though yeah, if you drive a Porsche, and it's in good shape, she'll likely feel that you 1) take care of the things/people you care about, and 2) have the money to support a lavish comfortable lifestyle. So that's like a bonus.


But let's not play around guys, we like money too. We respect guys with a lot of money. And assume they must be doing something right. It's pretty human nature to believe that people with more money are somehow better people. Even though there is ample evidence it's not true - for some reason people (both men and women) believe it.

FWIW - I wash my car before every date

[RedSilk]

Having high standards are okay as long as you actually meet them yourself.

Forty dollars for the whole date is cheap. If you want a quality girl, you'd have to invest more. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

[Mr Nice Guy]

I am starting to think the money isn't the issue here, but rather it is your self esteem. Mainly because I have suffered from this type of behavior before in one fashion or another.

You will never truly know how she REALLY is with finances until you truly get to know her. And for that, don't count yourself out of the game for something that hasnt even happened yet

[elessar78]

Hey Frito,

You need patience in this regard. I met my wife about 300 miles away from where I was living at the time and she was actually completing grad school 2,000 miles away in Colorado. So you never know the circumstance where you'll meet your woman.

What I've found in life is we tend to find what we expect. Expect to see gold digging princesses and you'll surely find 'em. I don't know where you go to meet women but if you go to a ritzy watering hole then you're likely to meet a woman who has "expectations" of the type of guy who goes there. We don't go to the Super Bowl expecting to have a nice dinner, do we?

[baptiste.tyrell]

If you’re looking for someone to spend your life with, I would leave the assessments to a later date when you have some kind of a shortlist ready. Relax..Chill…just go out and interact normally with a few women. See if you feel good in their company. Once you’ve been on a few dates, maybe you can then start thinking along the lines you are doing at the moment.

[elessar78]

Also, people are not static objects incapable of change or at least modifying to an acceptable degree. When I met my wife she had some credit card debt and would miss payments here and there due to lack of attention to detail. Personal finance wasn't her strong suit.

But since we got married, she's made a grand effort to be more frugal and more responsible with our finances. She's not the perfect mate from a personal finance standpoint, but I handle that stuff and we complement each other well in that regard. In other aspects, she's beautiful, has a great heart, is a great mother, a great cook, a good ethical/spiritual complement to my cynical nature. So in many ways we do for each other in the ways we can't do for ourselves (hope that makes sense).