Saver vs spender marriage advice

[Slimshaky]

I'm a saver and my wife is a spender. We've been married almost 10 years and our conflicts in regards to this have worsened over time. We are now at place where she has told me that i will have no say in how much she spends. As family we are typically spending 1-2k more than We earn each month. We do have savings due to my pre marital savings and some inheritance that i got but that will only last for so long. we've also been to multiple counselors to try to talk things through. She tells me i shouldn't worry since we currently have savings but living this unsustainable lifestyle really bothers me. Does anyone have any advice on correcting the course of what seems like a sinking ship to me? Have you made it through a similar situation as either a saver or a spender?

[Jluke]

Get a separate account in only your name and have your paycheck deposited there so she can't have access to that money.

Agree on who pays what bills and debts each month.

If the two of you can't work together within a budget, try working separately on money matters.

assumes a cash/check system going forward; no credit cards.

[kork13]

The biggest thing is to find & settle on whatever works for you two, as a couple. One method I've seen people use successfully is giving husband & wife each a separate account which is fed by a monthly "allowance" (or whatever you want to call it) that you both agree on, and that account is theirs to use for personal spending as they see fit. If she chooses to spend it on eating out & you choose to invest it, so be it. That system allows some freedom with the monthly spending allotment, and can help to keep the spender's expenditures under control better. However, doing that requires you both to agree on the amount of that monthly allotment, and also relies upon you both being honest about only using those personal accounts for personal spending (vs. paying for personal spending out of the shared household accounts). If necessary, it could mean removing the spender's access to the household expense account, though that would be an extreme step...

That's just one option. Preferably, you can agree to at least discuss what she's spending. But if the situation is as confrontational/hostile as you make it sound, I'm not really sure what to suggest...

[bjl584]

Some people just don't get it and probably never will.

A friend of mine went through something similar. In his case it ended in divorce. His ex would go on thousand dollar shopping sprees monthly and could never quite figure out why he was forced to work so much overtime and pick up side work. She complained that he was never home and felt neglected. He repeatedly told her that if she cut back on the out of control spending that he wouldn't have to work so much and would be home more. She never understood that. Or, she just didn't want to face reality. In the end their marriage failed. Probably for the best, as my friend would have either ended up totally bankrupt or would have literally killed himself working 100 hours a week trying to stay ahead of her spending.

I feel for you. You mentioned that counselling hasn't worked. I assume talking to her isn't working either. You could try separating your finances but that will lead to resentment on her part, because she'll be broke all the time and you'll have money.

[Slimshaky]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mention this but i have discussed both separate accounts and shutting down credit cards with my wife. She tells me that she considers either of those moves as grounds for divorce.

[Nutria]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mention this but i have discussed both separate accounts and shutting down credit cards with my wife. She tells me that she considers either of those moves as grounds for divorce.

This person who denies reality (or is a gold digger) has given you an ultimatum. I hope you have a pre-nup!

[Butterscotch]

I’d call her bluff on the divorce. Either she stops spending so much or you get divorced. Either way you will be better off.

Does she work and contribute money?

[disneysteve]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mention this but i have discussed both separate accounts and shutting down credit cards with my wife. She tells me that she considers either of those moves as grounds for divorce.

I don't think separate accounts in this situation is up for discussion. You need to do it and the sooner the better. If having her unlimited flow of funds cut off is all it takes for her to file for divorce than that should tell you something. She is going to bankrupt you if you don't put an end to this. She clearly knows what she's doing and has no intention of changing her behavior. She's using you. She's using YOUR pre-marital savings and YOUR inheritance to support HER bad behavior. Either you are okay with that or you're not. If you're not, then you need to stop it. If she throws a hissy fit when you do, show her the door.

[scfr]

What is she spending money on?
At the current rate of excess spending, how long will the pre-marital savings / inheritance last?
Is current family income what it has been throughout the 10 years of marriage (adjusting for inflation)?

(A lot of the replies posted so far seem to have been based on assumptions that may or may not be true. If the inheritance was $10Million, income has been close to zero for the last couple years because OP lost his job and hasn't found a new one, and the $1-2K per month is being spent for groceries and medical care for the children, we don't have a problem. I realize that the odds of this being the case are about 10-million-to-one, but I really don't see how we can weigh in without knowing more.)

[msomnipotent]

Does she have a job? Did she act like this before you married her, or is she really angry with you for something and this is her way of evening things?

In any case, you need to protect yourself. Not to sound dramatic, but she may already be gearing up for divorce. I know a lot of divorced people, and almost 100% go out and buy everything they think they will need post divorce before they even get a lawyer. They see it as a way of protecting their interests, and sticking it to the other person. Even the men I know do this. If I were you, I would take my inheritance and any other spare savings, and either transfer it to a trusted person or put it in a safe deposit box in my name only. Keep your receipts and declare everything if you have to go to divorce court. Remove her from any credit cards you share except one, for emergencies. If she has a job, I would divide utilities and make her pay some of them, her own cell phone at least. That way, it only affects her if she doesn't pay it. And yes, I would call her bluff, if you are prepared to go through with it.

[cypher1]

I'm a saver and my wife is a spender. We've been married almost 10 years and our conflicts in regards to this have worsened over time. We are now at place where she has told me that i will have no say in how much she spends.

This is one of my biggest fears; feeling trapped in a relationship with finances depleting over time and no control over it. My parents wonder why I'm content with not being married at this time, worried about stuck with a spender, and the possibility of divorce.

While it's easy for any of us to suggest a divorce based on one side of perspective, I'm sure it's not so simple of a choice, especially if you have children together (not sure if that was mentioned).

Is she also employed? Or do you both make similar salaries? If she makes similar amount or more than you, I wouldn't blame her for being more hesitant of giving up spending more. However, I agree that both of you should be working as a team, sharing similar priorities and financial goals. But if counseling isn't working for both of you, then it sounds like you already know what you should do next.

[disneysteve]

in any case, you need to protect yourself.

this!

[Slimshaky]

Thanks again for your responses. I think you have confirmed some of what i already suspected to be true.

As for the question, my wife does make a modest contribution with a small income from a part time job. However, she does also make a big contribution in taking care of the kids when I'm at work.

[msomnipotent]

This is one of my biggest fears; feeling trapped in a relationship with finances depleting over time and no control over it.

I've been there, and it is truly awful. If my husband left any money in the bank, it would have been used for an attorney. I think it is ironic that I am considered the spender in our family and my husband very nearly bankrupted us with his stupidity and stubborness. I really don't understand how someone can be a grown adult and still so utterly clueless about how money works.

[Slimshaky]

Most of the over spending is probably on clothes, eating out, and random fun activities for her and the kids.

With the current rate of spending and anticipated future payments i would expect the savings to last 3 years.

My income has more than doubled since we got married but we also added the cost of two kids.