Saver vs spender marriage advice

[kork13]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mention this but i have discussed both separate accounts and shutting down credit cards with my wife. She tells me that she considers either of those moves as grounds for divorce.

Yikes. If she's issuing ultimatums, she may already be making plans to follow through with the threat...and I'd suggest that you do the same. However, I would still try to solve the issues without immediately resorting to divorce if possible... Negotiation, tough love, and counseling are the best you can work with & hope for.

I would sit down with her and gently but firmly explain (presuming that these statements are 100% accurate) that because you love and care for her, and because you want to protect your family's financial stability and prevent money/debt issues from destroying your marriage, you are removing her from any joint accounts. Lay out a plan for automating some savings into retirement and cash savings accounts. Explain that you are opening individual credit card/savings/checking accounts in your name only from which you will be paying the necessary household bills in order to ensure that you stay afloat and don't overspend your monthly income or go into debt. With her income, she can open her own individual accounts for her use, but explain that she is expected to contribute XX amount for shared expenses or pay XX bills (could be a dollar amount, a percentage of her income, or a percentage of the monthly expenses). Suggest a monthly spending allotment of $XX either in cash or on a debit/charge card with a set spending limit & no debt/overdraft option, and keep your name off of that account. Also explain that you are not willing to dig into savings for unnecessary spending, because you are trying to look out for your shared future and financial well-being. Do everything you can to lovingly convince her that these actions are in the best interest of both of you, and also for your children...and then execute that plan as discussed. It also might help to have a trusted friend/family member/counselor/arbitrator present to help during the discussion.

If she blows up, is totally unwilling to work with you, and remains doggedly unwilling to tolerate/operate within that arrangement, then unfortunately you may likely have to pursue a divorce. Do what you can to protect your pre-marital assets, and your inheritance should be able to be protected as well. What state do you live in? At the least, if it's not already, I would suggest you immediately separate your inheritance and pre-marital assets from any account that she has access to. Depending on your state's laws, you may be able to protect them -- keep in mind that those are not your savings (collective/"we have savings"), but that is money that you INDIVIDUALLY saved, and that she is relying upon & dwindling down with her spending. But if you do find yourself forced down this road, I'd still say you should do what you can to make it a relatively amicable divorce. Protect yourself, but don't go into it trying to screw one another. It only makes the situation worse, especially knowing that you have kids involved. Also understand that if you split, you'll almost certainly be responsible for alimony payments (as you have a much larger income than her), and possibly child support payments.

[msomnipotent]

Well, is she buying work clothes or diamond tiaras? How overboard is she going, really? I'm really not siding with her, but my daughter went from a kid's size 5 to a 10 in a few months, and then from a 10 to a women's medium. I was buying clothes and shoes at least once a month. Kids grow fast and need clothes, so I can see her spending a lot there. And is she buying yearly memberships to museums and such and paying for music and sports lessons, or taking them to the midnight showing of "Happy Death Day" and buying them snacks and drinks every other day? And is she eating out because she is driving the kids to all their activities all day, or is she "lunching" with a gaggle of friends every day? There may be room for negotiation here.

[scfr]

Have you thought about what motivates her (what she cares about the most in life), and how you could use that to open up a discussion?

It sounds like a really tough situation.

[disneysteve]

Kids grow fast and need clothes, so I can see her spending a lot there. And is she buying yearly memberships to museums and such and paying for music and sports lessons, or taking them to the midnight showing of "Happy Death Day" and buying them snacks and drinks every other day? And is she eating out because she is driving the kids to all their activities all day, or is she "lunching" with a gaggle of friends every day? There may be room for negotiation here.

She is spending $1,000 to $2,000 PER MONTH more than they earn. It doesn't matter where the money is going. It needs to stop. Kids' clothes can come from the thrift shop. Activities can be the playground, the library, and other free or low cost things. Meals can be packed from home.

[msomnipotent]

She is spending $1,000 to $2,000 PER MONTH more than they earn. It doesn't matter where the money is going. It needs to stop. Kids' clothes can come from the thrift shop. Activities can be the playground, the library, and other free or low cost things. Meals can be packed from home.

Yes, it does matter. I'm sure you understand that memberships and sports have a large initial outlay, so spending $1,000 in a month for fees and uniforms doesn't necessarily mean that another $1,000 will be spent on the same thing next month. OP stated that they are overspending by $1,000 per month as a family, so it isn't all her spending. I'm also pretty sure that you have said before to find out exactly where the money is going in order to stop overspending and make a budget.

[bennkar]

As someone who went through this all I can say is you will survive if a divorce happens. Of course we didn't have children, so that was a major issue avoided, but still .... Your sanity needs to come first. As others said, you need to be willing to see this through. If you threaten divorce, don't back off of it if she won't see reason. She sounds like the type that will threaten and try to manipulate you. If so, don't let it work. She won't take it seriously if she sees that you aren't serious.

[sblatner]

My husband and I are reading a book called The 5 Love Languages. It might help you. It talks about how there are 5 Love Languages and what works for you might not work for you spouse. I think I'm going to order copies and give them to every one I know. We weren't necessarily broken but it is really helping us.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[TexasHusker]

A few facts.

The vast majority of divorces are filed for by the wife.

The judicial system heavily favors the wife, and wlll generally award her all sorts of cash and prizes. Part of the reason divorce is so out of control in this country is a result of the potential economic gain by the ex wife, IMHO.

It’s too late to hide money - her lawyer will find it.

[TexasHusker]

My husband and I are reading a book called The 5 Love Languages. It might help you. It talks about how there are 5 Love Languages and what works for you might not work for you spouse. I think I'm going to order copies and give them to every one I know. We weren't necessarily broken but it is really helping us.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

It sounds like her love language is cash.

[disneysteve]

It’s too late to hide money - her lawyer will find it.

Agreed. What you can do, though, is stop dipping into any accounts that were already in your name only to give her money. Hopefully, you were wise enough to keep the inheritance out of a joint account. If so, at least that is protected. The same for any premarital money. If it has been in your name the whole time, it may be safe. Just stop drawing from it to pay her expenses.

[snafu]

I'm a saver, husband is a spender. If you two have been through counselling without success it's time for you to take action! Emotional blackmail is very unhealthy and dangerous.

I hope you'll take sums that reflect pre marital saving and inheritance to a Money Market account or open a new bank or Credit Union account to protect those sums.

Do you believe your wife is hoarding money or spending without your knowledge? Do you know about ALLl the bills? ALL the Credit cards and bank accounts?

Since each of you works, each needs to contribute to general household costs, possibly based on a percentage of income. I suggest you each negotiate a personal allowance to spend on your own priorities. My husband gets double what I get, [he likes buying stuff], and it's serious to go over the limit.

As I see it, you will need to take responsibility and control of all credit, bill paying and spending while this emotional blackmail and threatening of divorce is ongoing. In your shoes, I'd cancel the accounts, cut up the cards and transfer any sums outstanding to 0% type accounts. Use cash or a debit card during this bad patch, with controlled deposits to cover anticipated bills and a 'float' to protect from any math mistake. If your pay is automatically deposited, change it to another bank or credit unit immediately!

The costs for the children's activities will need to be negotiated item by item unless it's automatic withdrawal for daycare, kindergarten rates, or private school fees.

If you don't take action now, how much are you willing to risk? This situation can break you financially.

[Sam1000]

Well, creating a budget and sticking to it is not always easy as a couple, but good for you for making this a priority! As far as some advice, have you thought about using some sort of software to help you create a budget? I know there’s tons of different options out there-and many of them little to no charge. There’s also organizations that offer free financial counseling or coaching that will give you one on one coaching about your spending habits. But, in general, I know I’ve read that one key is to decide what your highest spending priority should be. For example: savings, debt reduction, lifestyle, etc. - and then write those checks or pay those bills first first in order to accomplish at least one financial goal each month. When you feel you’re making a progress in at least one area, it’s easier to stick with your budget. So, just a couple thoughts to consider!

[msomnipotent]

OP hasn't responded since he started the thread 10 days ago, so I'm guessing he won't be back. A shame, because I was interested in hearing more of the story.