Often Alone but Not Lonely

**cptacek** · 12-19-2007, 10:00 PM

I am alone a lot. I moved here over a year ago, and I only know one neighbor (by sight) and the guy who mows my lawn in the town I live. My fiance lives 2.5 hours away, and my family lives 1 and 2.5 hours away. I only know, um, 4 people at work that I would even think to go talk to if I had a bad day and needed to vent. And one of those is quitting!

I was single for a long time, and I forced myself to go out sometimes instead of staring at my apartment walls. I went to movies by myself, I went to NICE restaurants by myself, I went to bars by myself. Church, concerts, anything really, if I wanted to go to it, I had to go to it myself. The bad part for me was walking in to a place like that alone and announcing to the server/waiter/ticket taker that, yes, it's only me. After that, I felt comfortable.

That lasted for about a year. Then I got some really good friends and went out with them all the time, for like 5 years. Then I met my fiance and moved. Now, during the week, I'm back to the same old story. On the weekends, I see him and my family.

But still, when I am with him, sometimes he watches tv and makes fun of me for being on the internet. Um, aren't they are the same on the time waster scale? I think so. And we are in the same room, so I can still interact with him...

I do miss my friends. But I'm ok with being alone.

**Coleroo** · 12-19-2007, 10:56 PM

im an "introvert" as well.

i once read that "introverts" charge their batteries when they are alone, and discharge when around crowds - while "extroverts" charge their batteries when they're with people, but get discharged if left alone. sounds like a great explanation!

my husband is very outgoing

unlike me, he loves the company of many friends and could easily spend each night out and about with many people. so i guess he's an extrovert..

i've never been a "loads of friends" person. i went to the same private school for 13 years and had the same circle of 5 friends, which included my one best friend with which most of my time then was spent. i've had a small handful of friends (ones im close enough with to call on the phone) over the 7 years since high school graduation...maybe 4-5 people in all.. but we usually just spend one-on-one time together. im not a clubber, i dont drink, i dont go to bars and i hate the "young adult" scene. i prefer to be alone reading a good book or in the company of family... quiet solitude type places are my favorite spots - up in a tree

, at the beach, in the mountains, in the woods...anywhere i can be alone or with one or two people i love. there are times when i can go for months and months without seeing someone my age (besides my husband) and it doesnt bother me at all. i prefer family (husband, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins) to anyone.

i am also not comfortable in large raucous scenes and i usually make a mad dash to leave as soon as possible if i find myself in large gatherings, unless its with people i've known forever (like at a church christmas banquet or something).

on the flip side, i dont like going anywhere alone - i prefer not to go to stores (outside of grocery shopping!) or anything unless my mom is with me. i dont like being "alone" in public, if that makes sense. i also would never be able to "live" alone (and i never have) - i like knowing that someone i love is nearby. it feels like im protected or something.

now when it comes to my working life, i forced myself to be an extrovert since i was in management...i had to be. i was known as the "always chipper, always smiling, always happy" one.... but i never felt "energized" by being around people! i always preferred sitting behind my payroll excel sheet to getting out and socializing with the workers.

**nanamom** · 12-20-2007, 06:12 AM

My preference is to be around people. I can and usually am alone (unless you count the little people I am raising) but I prefer to be around people. My DH and I used to live where we knew alot of people and enjoyed having them over and visiting and going to parties but now we live where we know very few people and have actually stored for garage sale or given away any of our "company" stuff. Why keep what you won't use. We made the choice to live here because it had work my DH can do. We would prefer to live close to our grown children and their kids or at least near our friends and within a days drive to our kids. However, gotta eat

**Gruntina** · 12-20-2007, 06:37 AM

I am in the wrong body!!! I crave social events and really enjoy learning new things from people as well as sharing my story. However with my deafness despite that I speak so well, it’s hard to retrieve so much from others if there are no interpreters or signers. If it was a one-on-one conversation, then it is no problem. But I want more than that so I feel bad that I can't always partake in social gathering.

Strange but I feel less lonely when I am alone. It is because I don't know or see what I am missing out on when I do things for self entertainment such as house stuff or cooking a new meal from magazines and etc.

I feel really lonely when I am with a bunch of people laughing about something they heard and I have no idea what was said. You can only ask people to repeat stuff so much before they tire of you.

This is also probably why I love sites like this one; there are no language barriers online.

**MonkeyMama** · 12-20-2007, 06:38 AM

We tend to be loners. My friends never understood why my spouse and I do so much separate. Just the ways we have always been. We need our space.

But same with my friends. I just need lots of quiet time and space. I don't want a friend who is in my face 24/7.

At the same time it is always fun to be around a small group of friends. But too much of that gets emotionally exhausting.

It has been hard on us since having our kids. My eldest is only 4 but he is a complete extrovert. The only one in our immediate family. He thrives on social interaction, so we try to appease him. But leaves us completely exhausted. Incidentally that is why we started sending him to daycare. Was never in our plans. But otherwise no one was happy. We were doing too many activities and it was never enough for him. It's worked well to solve that problem. My little one is an introvert and we send him too - it has really brought him out of his shell. Funny how that works. How it has helped both of them in different ways.

It will be interesting to see how that whole thing evolves with time. I can just see my eldest wanting a party at our house every night and the rest of us telling him we need some quiet!

**PrincessPerky** · 12-20-2007, 07:37 AM

I have MPD about the intro extro thing. I need alone time and I need group time...and I need one on one with spouse time (no not that kind of one on one, though I need that too)

I have one kid who is 'wired' in public...he has trouble focusing on behaving when surrounded by stimulus (stimuli?) errr stuff going on. But he gets bouncy and loves it in a way. I also have one who creates folk to talk to if none are around..talking to dolls, to toys or just pretending a sister or friend is sitting in the other chair (something my oldest would never do). In public she is very friendly, but not a major extrovert. Though when she was sick and stuck at home for a week she was major unhappy! And I have one who is just..normal. He is the same in public as at home. doesn't talk much more to us than to others.

For me, if I couldn't spend my online time alone, without yelling at kids or wiping noses or hearing kiddy stories, I would go crazy! But at the same time if I didn't get to go to social stuff at least sometimes I would also go crazy. So mpd

**Caoineag** · 12-20-2007, 09:09 AM

Strong introvert here, but I am also the kind who can "pretend" to be social so that keeps me from being the hermit. I only recharge though when I am alone. Most of my life I have done things alone so no issues with that. I have eaten out, gone to movies and so on with no one else around, it doesn't even phase me. But I have a friend who, while introverted, still prefers to hang out with others, just in very small groups. My husband is the hermit except I don't let him completely ignore everyone other than me.

**disneysteve** · 12-20-2007, 12:07 PM

I am usually quite content to be by myself (which is part of why I spend so much time online). I like to come and go on my own schedule, do things at my own pace, and have nobody but myself to please.

I love my wife dearly and we share many common interests, but there are still things that I'd rather do alone. For example, I like going to the casino. While there, I don't want to have to worry about what time it is or when I have to meet up with others or when dinner is. I just want to go and wander and play and leave when I'm done.

There are other things, though, that I would never think of doing alone. It just isn't the same. When we travel, I enjoy being together. This summer when the 3 of us were hiking in New Hampshire, being together and sharing the experience was a big part of the enjoyment. Seeing my daughter's face as we were navigating through Polar Caves or hugging my wife on top of Cannon Mtn as we looked out on the incredible view or helping each other over a difficult rock formation just wouldn't be the same if I had done those things alone.

We have very, very few close friends and pretty rarely go out socially with others. Sometimes trying to coordinate the likes and dislikes of multiple people just seems more trouble than it's worth.

**humandraydel** · 12-20-2007, 12:57 PM

I definitely need lots of alone time. I've never had a problem doing things alone. I think maybe the ultimate test is backpacking alone - being miles into the woods for days at a time all alone gives you a lot of time to think!

**Scanner** · 12-20-2007, 01:57 PM

Here's the problem with me. I talk to people all day.

At the end of the day, I don't have anything left to say.

I've run out.

But I spend a lot of time online. It feels good to write.

Here's a thing I like doing alone - going out to eat.

I like to go to Old Country Buffet or sit at a breakfast bar at a NJ Diner and read the paper and eat alone (as long as there's no smokers).

I hide this from my wife as she would take it personally. I like to go out to eat with her too. . .but I don't know. . .I just like to do that. Even in college, people thought I was weird because I would eat alone.

So. . .when I get an extra $9.00 in my pocket, I sneak out to the Diner and have a BLT.

**disneysteve** · 12-21-2007, 05:08 AM

Originally posted by Scanner View Post

Here's a thing I like doing alone - going out to eat.

I'm just the opposite. This is definitely one thing that I don't like doing alone. Eating out is a social experience to me. Sitting and talking over a nice meal is something I enjoy. On the fairly rare occasion when we do go out with friends, there is always a meal involved.

I feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable dining alone. I don't know what to do with myself just sitting there by myself. I'll eat quick and get out. No point in stretching it out. I'll usually bring a magazine or newspaper to read so I have something to do during the meal.

**Scanner** · 12-21-2007, 06:10 AM

I know. . .I'm weird.

**cschin4** · 12-21-2007, 08:12 AM

I am an introvert as well. There are many things I don't mind doing alone. I prefer to shop alone. If I shop with others, I find it distracting. Since I have been on these frugal boards I shop with a mission to think about what I am buying, how much I should spend, whether I will actually use what I am buying, etc. So, that requires concentration!
I don't mind eating out alone. And, I always wondered why the loners would sit at the meal reading a book or newspaper. I think "people watching" is fascinating and I love to sit close enough to others to eavesdrop on their conversations. You hear some interesting things. And, I don't feel self consious in that situation and can just sit quietly and enjoy a good meal.
I really don't like big parties. I am not great at socializing and small talk. I prefer smaller groups or just being with one friend. And, I do find that if I have people over, I enjoy it for awhile but sometimes I just get tired and want everyone to go home so I can go surf the net, play my guitar, or watch the news. Too much company can be very tiring.
And, I really dislike attending company parties. I feek awkward interacting with the boss and other coworkers in social situations. I usually attend these things with gritted teeth just trying to get through it and trying to leave at a reasonable time but not appearing to leave too early.

**Scanner** · 12-21-2007, 10:49 AM

Gee, I'm not a psychobabblist. . .but is it any wonder that an internet board is full of introverts?

Often Alone but Not Lonely