Often Alone but Not Lonely

[Fern]

I was raised by a single parent who I think was overwhelmed by the challenges of working f/t and raising two daughters. My mother was an only child, not college-educated and pretty sheltered (she never lived on her own, she went from living at home with her parents to marrying my father.) She made sure our physical needs were met, meaning a roof over our heads and 3 meals a day, but beyond that, we were on our own. Not much emotional support.

So my childhood was one where i spent A LOT of time on my own or with my friends. I had 4 very good friends in my neighborhood, but i ran into trouble in high school becus 2 of those friends went to private schools, not the public school i was in, and i outgrew one of the other friends by that time. I had trouble making new, close friends in school.)

But I became very self-sufficent and independent, and very adept at amusing myself for hours on end. I was definitely a tomboy.

I'm still like this as an adult, though I think i spend a little too much time alone. When i am in a relationship, i'm quite content to limit socializing with other friends. I just don't need that much to be happy, just 1 or 2 close friends. It definitely has made it harder when the relatioship breaks up, but that's just the way i am. I don't have a wide circle of friends.

Echoing what some others have said here, there are times i can only take my friends in small doses. It's as if they wear me out after a few hours of time together, and I definitely need alone time to 'recharge.'

I do best one on one with people, or in very small groups. I don't do well in larger groups, and i really don't do well at parties. You'd never know it if you saw me at a party, cus i can 'fake' it fairly well, and at work, too, i do what it takes to get along and i'm definitely a good communicator, but left to my own devicees, i will pull back and do my own thing.

Yup, i think online forums attract a disproportionate number of introverts, cus highly extroverted people wouldn't have the patience to spend a lot of time reading and writing posts, IMO.

[Ima saver]

I spend all day, every day alone. I enjoy it. I also love parties and dancing all night. I spend every evening with my dh and we always stay in the same room together. We sit next to each other in a restaurant and have done that for almost 31 years.

[Broken Arrow]

Gee, I'm not a psychobabblist. . .but is it any wonder that an internet board is full of introverts?

I'm not psychobabblist either, but for me-- a textbook introvert-- I find that it's always been a nice refuge in a way. You still sort of interact with other people, but in your own time and space, and in your own comfort zone. That and I can also pick and choose the topics I choose to participate or avoid.... I'm not much for small talk.

As for dining alone, you know what? I used to enjoy it too, when I was married. That's because, I guess sooner or later, introverts need some "alone time" before reporting back to the boss.

But now that I am literally alone most of the time... that has changed. I still enjoy being on my own from time to time, but now, I find that I miss the social interaction I used to have... in this case, with my ex. We did have some good laughs and interesting conversations, and I miss that.

So nowadays, I get a little uncomfortable sometimes when I eat alone, but... I guess it can't be helped right now. And in the end, it is still much better than have to deal with the monumental stress of being heavily in debt, her adultery, and the subsequent divorce....

But yeah, the internet does appear to be a haven for quite a few introverts, doesn't it?

[JanH]

im an "introvert" as well. i once read that "introverts" charge their batteries when they are alone, and discharge when around crowds - while "extroverts" charge their batteries when they're with people, but get discharged if left alone. sounds like a great explanation!
.

I love this explanation! I was lucky in growing up in the country because I had lots of space to get alone in when I needed it. It's funny, because I wondered if people thought that someone like me didn't like people. I like people...I just can't be around lots of them for very long without needing some time alone. I find I can be around family for a longer while or a closer friend. But then I still need to get away and read or something to give me some time alone. I had no problem being around people at work, but then I'd have the hours off to recharge.

[Exile]

At this point, I have to say that I never expected to receive such a mixed bag of responses to my OP. It's good to see that there is such a variety of contributors to this forum.

On a personal note, I didn't realize there are so many other introverts out there. Now I feel a little less self-conscious about my own tendencies in that direction.

[Fern]

I wouldn't feel that way, Exile. Cus in the real world i think introverts are far outnumbered by extroverts, so i find comfort knowing i'm among people just like me online.

[cschin4]

I didn't realize there are so many other introverts out there

That's cuz the introverts aren't out there advertising themselves! Ha!
Anyway, I have just accepted who I am. I used to want to be an extrovert and thought I could learn to be like them, but I am just not. However, I do really enjoy being around extroverts and admire their bubbly, enthusiastic personalities. I have learned to just appreciate and admire those qualities in others.

[Broken Arrow]

I didn't realize there are so many other introverts out there

If we ever hold a convention....


No one would show up....

[FrugalTexan75]

I enjoy being around people, but I also have no problem being alone or doing things alone. I go out to eat or out to movies 99% of the time by myself - always bringing a book with me - not really for a distraction, but just because I love to read!

I've had many people over the years give me strange looks or make remarks about my being more than ok with going to movies/restaurants alone. It's just so much easier to go alone - if you go with someone else, then you have to coordinate with their schedule and perhaps they won't want to see the movie you want to see, or they won't want to go to the restaurant you want to go to ... etc. You also sometimes run into the problem of one person loving or really enjoying the movie, and the other nitpicking it to death - which can ruin the enjoyment.

I guess for me, when I go to a movie, or to a restaurant, or to a concert, or a sporting event., I go more for the overall experience of it all and it can be very disheartening to go with someone who feels like they need to find what was wrong with it. So, most of the time its just easier to go by myself, rather than go with someone else who may or may not have that same attitude of just going to enjoy the experience.

I am definitely someone who can be very happy being home alone with just my t.v., books, and internet for days and days at a time. But I also enjoy getting together with other people to play games and/or talk. I do okay at big parties - although until/unless there are people there that I know pretty well, I get very uncomfortable making small talk - I'm just not very good at that. I'm much more of a listener than a talker.

My mom worries about how much time I spend alone - but you see, she is a full out extrovert and *needs* to be around other people to be truly happy.

[Landwatch]

There is nothing wrong with being alone at times. Even I prefer being alone many times but I don't hate being around people. Also, I think when you are alone you get that much needed 'space.' Besides, this is time when I can actually put on my thinking cap and plan my moves to survive in this demanding world.

[cschin4]

it can be very disheartening to go with someone who feels like they need to find what was wrong with it

Isn't that the truth! My dear friend's husband does this all the time. The meal is never good enough and on and on. Annoying! Just take things for what they are and enjoy them! So what if the meal was just "OK" or if we didn't have the best seats to the show or whatever!

[cschin4]

she is a full out extrovert and *needs* to be around other people to be truly happy.


I wonder if some of us introverts used to need that as well. But, since we didn't get it, we just learned to be content within ourselves.

[Broken Arrow]

Two of my kids are an interesting contrast of each other.

My son was born introverted and content with just being in his own little world. In fact, I remember that the hardest time we had was to get him to move out of the crib and into a small child bed.

My daughter, on the other hand, needs constant "attention" and thrives on activity. Like my son, she seems to be born this way, always trying to climb out of the crib.

She just wore me out, as a matter of fact, constantly turning off my monitor before I can finish this post, whereas my son played quietly in the corner with his Nintendo DS.

I'm sure much of our behavior can also be influenced by our upbringing, but in the end, I believe our real personality is largely innate. By "real", I mean that I don't think introverts have to have a hard time socializing, although that can be an issue. All things being equal though, I think we prefer our alone time.

I have to go now. My daughter wants me to pay attention to her.

[murphyc]

Late entry but found the posts interesting. I have felt lonely maybe twice in my life, ha-ha. Bored but hardly lonely. I cure it by getting physically busy doing things that need doing for myself or others. Good lesson - after retirement from my job, I plan to stay busy, busy, busy. I've been divorced for 18 years (yikes), no kids. My marriage was a disaster I don't care to repeat. I'm basically a loner by nature but am pretty involved with my immediate family (babysitting, helping mom out). It suits me fine, I'm always happy to come back to my own digs and know how to entertain myself. I love yard work and cooking (even for just me). I feel sorry for anybody who can't enjoy such things. I should also say I belong to a good local church; bible study is tremendously helpful and is a great resource, you need to spend time with likeminded people of both sexes and all ages in a learning situation. I could care less what's politically correct and don't let the media tell me how to think or be.

[tabbycat31]

I'm in a similar situation. I moved from NY to NJ in September, and I really don't have any friends here yet. Most of my friends are still in NY.

I have my coworkers, but nobody is my age (either much younger or much older). I'm hoping that 2008 will be the year that I finally settle in New Jersey, and I'm hoping to get involved with the 2008 presidential race by going to party meetings, and to volunteer at the SPCA (when I can)