finding a partner

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Okay seriously I have to ask and I see this all the time. I do people's taxes and I see people both together/separated/divorce. What I've found? And something I find interesting is that people show their partners who they are while dating but people ignore it. What I mean by that? They definitely show who they are. Myrdale friends married people that they dated/lived with and somehow ended up not compatible?

My recent friends who divorced, I met years after they married and had i known them i would have said no way should they be getting married. He cheated on her within the first year. Again I would have said that was showing her who he really was while they were "dating". Others who divorced from money and job loss, when you dig a bit they often say "oh he's never had a stable job." Or they had massive CC debt before marriage. I want to slam my head on the table and say and they showed you who they were before marriage. They liked to live beyond their means. They never worried about money.

I say this because a couple things bug me about my DH. But he showed me who he was before marriage and I accepted it. I will say I hoped his cleaning habits would improve but they haven't. They have gotten worse instead and I understand how spending money or cheating gets worse the longer you are together if that's what you did before.

But if people were hurt by cheating, and then continued one I ask why? As for spending money, if you knew they liked to overspend and didn't think it a problem, why continue? Again I thought DH wasn't that messy and I was okay doing 90% of the cleaning. It hasn't improved and instead it's worse but I did know what I was getting into.

[bjl584]

A lot of people get caught up in the romance part of dating someone new and ignore red flags.
Once they finally start paying attention, it's too late.

[myrdale]

The way I see it, either marriage is a holy union in the eyes of God and/or your vows are your life long promise to that person.... or its not. Regardless of persuasion. And it has to go both ways. Two other friend I know just got divorced. One took it serious and for the other it was a party. To the first, their marriage was the most important thing in her life, while her wife had fun while it lasted.

In the eyes of the United States government marriage is a tax status. Infidelity is not a crime. And to quote whoever Dave quotes, "divorce turns marriage into a business transaction".

From my understanding, for a marriage to last, both people have to be on the same page on money, religion, and children.

Graduating from high school, waiting until you're 21 or older to get married, waiting until you're married to have children are three top factors to determine if your going to be above or below the poverty line.

Having both sets of parents, yours and your spouses, still married is another positive marker for a marriage that will last.

[MonkeyMama]

A lot of it is repeating patterns they learned from their parents, etc. It's hard to break these cycles. I've been really digging the 'I Will Teach You to be Rich' podcast lately, which really delves into this. How much people would benefit from therapy and unpacking their baggage.

[ua_guy]

In the eyes of the government, marriage is legal consideration for a lot of things, not just tax status. And that tends to cause additional financial trouble when it ends poorly, not even counting the cost of legally dissolving the marriage.

I think society places such a high value on being "with" someone else that the red flags of a potential spouse get ignored. People figure they'll deal with those issues if/when they ever come to a head. Don't forget passion, that can cause a lot of oversight as well.

[Tabs]

A lot of it is repeating patterns they learned from their parents, etc. It's hard to break these cycles. I've been really digging the 'I Will Teach You to be Rich' podcast lately, which really delves into this. How much people would benefit from therapy and unpacking their baggage.

Fun fact, but I used to be a moderator for Ramit in his old forums. They are now defunct, unless he has a new one up, which is very likely, but I didn't look into it because I was busy with my own life at the time and couldn't continue to contribute like I used to.

Also, the scam bots were a huge issue at the time, and basically, I was the only one trying to hold them all back, and didn't have a lot of tools to work with. I think the technical issues were what ultimately crippled the original forums.

In any case, over the years, I think Ramit has gotten really good at this personal financial stuff. Again, I haven't been tracking him in detail, so I can't be certain, but what little I have heard from him is really good.