How to ask new partner about their financial savings?

[~bs]

why the push to get married? You're both previously divorced. Why not just cohabitate? If things go south badly, his problems are his, yours are yours, and you'll go your separate ways (instead of divorcing again). What benefit is there to all these marriages you insist on going through time and time again?

[Dahlia]

I'm not pushing to marry! It's all of you guys! I never mentioned it; you all interjected that topic!

He married twice before- I have a feeling his women wanted to lock him down. He might have knight in shining armor syndrome- based on the two past relationships.

What does that say about how he perceives me...I hope he see's me as independent (I am), responsible (I am) and diligent in my work ethic (I am), and I hope he see's that as a breath of fresh air.

eh- time will tell. If nothing else and we break up- I'm keeping his dog. She's great and I've already told him that she stays with me no matter what.

[~bs]

I'm not pushing to marry! It's all of you guys! I never mentioned it; you all interjected that topic!

He married twice before- I have a feeling his women wanted to lock him down. He might have knight in shining armor syndrome- based on the two past relationships.

What does that say about how he perceives me...I hope he see's me as independent (I am), responsible (I am) and diligent in my work ethic (I am), and I hope he see's that as a breath of fresh air.

eh- time will tell. If nothing else and we break up- I'm keeping his dog. She's great and I've already told him that she stays with me no matter what.

ok thanks for the clarification!

I do think your suspicions are on point. He may be the type to try to help family, friends, girlfriends, etc out at his own expense. It's ok to be a giving person, but you really need to take care of yourself first.

[GoodSteward]

To be blunt. You guys are just together to share the "cow" without the commitment. I noticed things like when you said how are "you" going to retire one day(referring to him), not how are "we." You are already setting yourself up to not be with him.

I have a lot more I could say on this, but you didn't come here for marriage or life advice. You just wanted help getting your BF to open up. Simply put, he has no reason to open up to you. He isn't responsible for you, only himself. That isn't meant to sound as harsh as it does, but when you want a relationship without the responsibility...you have to accept the drawbacks that come with that kind of choice.

The walls you and him are keeping up trying to protect yourselves will also be the downfall of this relationship.

[rennigade]

Aside from the financial stuff, one thing that jumped out at me in your first post, Dahlia, is that the two of you have been together for 1.5 years but he just got divorced a few months ago. So for most of your relationship, he was a married man. Keep that in mind.

Not uncommon at all. Depending on how civil each party is in the divorce proceedings...divorces can take up to 2 years to finalize...at which point a mediator will step in and settle it.

Should those getting divorced put their lives on hold for 2 years until everything is legally done? Remember...marriage is a contract...its a piece of paper that you signed when you get married. Nothing more.

Actually here is the definition: the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. Meaning you sign a legal binding contract recognized by the state. People hate to hear this because they think a mystical bond will magically form when you're married.

[msomnipotent]

I would still see an attorney to make very sure that none of your money can be used to factor in child support. Get everything in writing. It sounds unromantic, but always CYA. Also check your state's common law marriage laws. If you plan on living with him, that could trip you up.

Just come right out and ask him if he has savings. I highly doubt he has any if he is showing you budgets and nothing mentions savings. Then ask him when he plans to start saving for emergencies.

[GoodSteward]

Remember...marriage is a contract...its a piece of paper that you signed when you get married. Nothing more.

It is a lot more, but on the legal side, it is just a contract. Take away marriage, and the family structure will fall apart. Just look at how many single mothers are out there because a guy saw marriage as just a contract he was tired of and walked away from his commitment. It doesn't take long to see the emotional damage that is done to the children.

People today just want the paycheck without the responsibility of the job. For a relationship, this ends up being unfulfilling from an emotional standpoint. It all goes together.

So, I highly disagree with you, but that is for another thread.

[Petunia 100]

To be blunt. You guys are just together to share the "cow" without the commitment. I noticed things like when you said how are "you" going to retire one day(referring to him), not how are "we." You are already setting yourself up to not be with him.

I have a lot more I could say on this, but you didn't come here for marriage or life advice. You just wanted help getting your BF to open up. Simply put, he has no reason to open up to you. He isn't responsible for you, only himself. That isn't meant to sound as harsh as it does, but when you want a relationship without the responsibility...you have to accept the drawbacks that come with that kind of choice.

The walls you and him are keeping up trying to protect yourselves will also be the downfall of this relationship.

Not everyone wants to get married. So what? We are all different.

[AJ444]

Not everyone wants to get married. So what? We are all different.

Exactly, my wife and I are only legally married for the legal benefits. It actually means nothing to us in our relationship. With or without the signed piece of paper we would still be in the same relationship boat.

Nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to define it as more in their relationship. I only have a problem when someone else wants to point at what I define it as and call it wrong. We don't all believe in the same things.

[GoodSteward]

What a sad way to view marriage.

[Petunia 100]

What a sad way to view marriage.

Perhaps for you. But again, we are all different. No need to be condescending.

[MonkeyMama]

Exactly, my wife and I are only legally married for the legal benefits. It actually means nothing to us in our relationship. With or without the signed piece of paper we would still be in the same relationship boat.

Nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to define it as more in their relationship. I only have a problem when someone else wants to point at what I define it as and call it wrong. We don't all believe in the same things.

Ditto.

We are personally very commitment-minded, but because of that, the actual marriage itself doesn't mean a whole lot to us. I would never marry someone if I felt that they wouldn't have been as committed to our relationship without a marriage contract. We both realize that our marriage is little more than a legal contract. But the underlying relationship is what is actually important to us.

I can't imagine feeling sorry for people because they chose different life paths. I guess I know way too many miserable married people.

[GoodSteward]

My question to those who view marriage so lightly, why did you get married? Did you use a minister or priest? Did you care what the vow said? I hope that you did, but you are all sounding like you didn't say anything. You just signed a paper.

What good are your words if you don't even consider them to have meaning?

[james.hendrickson]

To the OP - you might also consider finding out what medium your partner responds best to. Some people do better with written information, some do better hearing things and some people need a combination.

Once you know what this is, you'll be better able to communicate.

[AJ444]

My question to those who view marriage so lightly, why did you get married? Did you use a minister or priest? Did you care what the vow said? I hope that you did, but you are all sounding like you didn't say anything. You just signed a paper.

What good are your words if you don't even consider them to have meaning?

This is the concept you fail to grasp, I don't have to explain to you why I got married, we satisfied the requirements of the state to do it and from there we can choose what we want it to mean. The difference here is I don't judge you for choosing to have it mean something different to you.