Ah, visits by cheap relatives -- who wouldn't want that !

[Petunia 100]

Easy to say hard to do. It's easy to say cut off parents. But then to actually do it would make my DH resentful of the relationship we have with my family and parents. Easy to call people toxic but hard prove it to people wearing blinders.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

For example, you could say "Gee, it's too bad you chose to show up on my doorstep anyway after I told you this was not a good time. Let's find you a good hotel."

[disneysteve]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Also true.

For example, there was a time when we would have invited my MIL along on a vacation - until the last time we did that about 6 years ago. Let's just say it wasn't pretty and we are all quite clear about the fact that it will never happen again under any circumstances.

We also limit our contact with her as much as possible in general. We only actually see her maybe 4 times per year at this point.

[kork13]

We also limit our contact with her as much as possible in general. We only actually see her maybe 4 times per year at this point.

Wow, 4x per year? I don't see any family that often, everyone combined! I don't really see any individual family member more than once a year, many only once every 3-5 years! But then, my immediate family & close extended family are literally in every corner of the country (NY, MI, OR, AK, CA, UT, OK, & FL), which does make meeting up more difficult. If 4x/yr for 1 relative is "limited as much as possible", I can't imagine how my family's visits would be described... Lol

[Nutria]

Sadly we let relatives cause problems within our marriage for many years before we started to put our marriage and family first.

That's a critical issue when planning to get married: you leave your parents; they now come in a distant second. (Third when the children start to arrive.)

[disneysteve]

Wow, 4x per year? I don't see any family that often, everyone combined! I don't really see any individual family member more than once a year, many only once every 3-5 years! But then, my immediate family & close extended family are literally in every corner of the country (NY, MI, OR, AK, CA, UT, OK, & FL), which does make meeting up more difficult. If 4x/yr for 1 relative is "limited as much as possible", I can't imagine how my family's visits would be described... Lol

Her mother lives about 40 minutes away. In contrast, my mother lived about 30 minutes away for the first 16 years we were married and we saw her a couple of times per week. Now she lives 3 miles from us and we don't see her quite as often but speak to her daily and see her regularly. My wife only calls her mother (her mother almost never calls us) once every week or two just because she feels she has to, not because she has any desire to speak to her. We saw her recently for Chanukah and probably won't see her again until Passover in the spring.

[sv2007]

So it's not okay for a friend to be so inconsiderate but it's okay for a sister?

Friends wouldn't do this; if they did, then they wouldn't be friends of mine. Family is very much different since we are pretty traditional and must attend family gatherings. Exposed bad feelings would just makes those situations terrible.

[sv2007]

You get to choose who you associate with. You can choose to not be friends with people. But you have to be related to your family. I can attest to the horrible nature of family.

Exactly.

Certain situations calls for handling with great care because regrets can be forever. New friends can be made if one must; but family can't change until they die off.

I'm on a forum that's popular with 20-somethings, and once a while questions pop up on what to do about neighbors. My response always depend on whether if its a owned or rented property -- because sometimes, you can't change neighbors easily! (Maybe a bad example, as I personally think changing neighbors is easier than friends, but I think for most here, it'll not be so easy).