Talking About Money

**bjl584** · 04-23-2021, 04:51 AM

I try not to talk to others about money unless they specifically ask.
And even then, it usually doesn't end well.

Self talk is different.
I've always just stuck to my plan and to my priorities.
Saving and investing my money always has been more important to me than spending.
"stuff" that I want I have always saved up for.
Patience is key I suppose

**disneysteve** · 04-23-2021, 05:21 AM

I generally avoid talking about money, especially our personal finances, with others as much as possible, except for a handful of people very close to us.

When the issue does come up, I also avoid saying I can't afford it, since that isn't true. I'll say something like I'm not interested or That's not worth it to me or I'm going to pass ; Have a good time or something similar depending on the situation.

**Snicks** · 04-23-2021, 05:23 AM

I agree with not talking about it per se. I mean I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation or justification about what I buy or don't buy.

**ua_guy** · 04-23-2021, 07:27 AM

Talking about money with those in my life has gotten a lot less interesting and is much more infrequent, the older I get. I know I have friends and family in deep doo-doo, and I don't want to know the details. I also have friends and family who appear to have made stratospheric leaps, and I really don't want to know about those details, either, because it will make me hate my working reality even more. I've got a Plan A and I'm sticking to it. If someone genuinely asks for help on how to manage money or how to come up with a retirement plan, which also hasn't happened as life has gone on, sure, I'd do that.

When others talk about money IRL, I just nod and listen, and don't share much these days. Not worth it. I use a lot of phrases like "that's not a priority" instead of "I can't afford it".

**james.hendrickson** · 04-23-2021, 07:33 AM

Originally posted by ua_guy View Post

Talking about money with those in my life has gotten a lot less interesting and is much more infrequent, the older I get. I know I have friends and family in deep doo-doo, and I don't want to know the details. I also have friends and family who appear to have made stratospheric leaps, and I really don't want to know about those details, either, because it will make me hate my working reality even more. I've got a Plan A and I'm sticking to it. If someone genuinely asks for help on how to manage money or how to come up with a retirement plan, which also hasn't happened as life has gone on, sure, I'd do that.

When others talk about money IRL, I just nod and listen, and don't share much these days. Not worth it. I use a lot of phrases like "that's not a priority" instead of "I can't afford it".

Ua_guy, why not talk with the people who have made stratospheric leaps? I bet they'd have some interesting lessons.

Also, I think its good that you're engaging with all your friends, even if they don't make the kinds of decisions that you would.

**disneysteve** · 04-23-2021, 07:45 AM

Originally posted by ua_guy View Post

Talking about money with those in my life has gotten a lot less interesting and is much more infrequent, the older I get. I know I have friends and family in deep doo-doo, and I don't want to know the details. I also have friends and family who appear to have made stratospheric leaps, and I really don't want to know about those details, either, because it will make me hate my working reality even more. I've got a Plan A and I'm sticking to it. If someone genuinely asks for help on how to manage money or how to come up with a retirement plan, which also hasn't happened as life has gone on, sure, I'd do that.

When others talk about money IRL, I just nod and listen, and don't share much these days. Not worth it. I use a lot of phrases like "that's not a priority" instead of "I can't afford it".

I agree with all of this. Although I'd be happy to talk about financial topics, it's really hard to do so unless you know that the people you're speaking with are in a similar situation as you (which is virtually non-existent for us personally). At work, I know I earn several times more than my staff and most of them are young (20s and 30s) so at a very different phase of life than me. With friends, it's also challenging. We're going out tomorrow with 2 other couples. One of them is good with money but the husband recently went out on medical disability so they're dealing with the financial challenges brought on by that. It would be kind of insensitive of us to talk about how well we're doing when we know they're facing some significant struggles. The other couple I don't know as much about. I think they're doing fine but I'm still not going to "brag" about how we're doing.

So yes, nod and listen is typically my response.

**amarowsky** · 04-23-2021, 08:05 AM

currently i talk a lot, and very openly about finances.

Talking less, in general, is something I'm working on though.... I can see the pitfalls....

Maybe I heed the words of the musical Hamilton, "Talk less. Smile More. Don't let them know you're against, or what you're for". - Aaron Burr. (lol one of the following lines = "fools who run their mouths end up dead")

**ua_guy** · 04-23-2021, 08:13 AM

Originally posted by james.hendrickson View Post

Ua_guy, why not talk with the people who have made stratospheric leaps? I bet they'd have some interesting lessons.

Also, I think its good that you're engaging with all your friends, even if they don't make the kinds of decisions that you would.

I don't disagree - I enjoy hearing about their path, their industries, philosophy at work, etc. And it's not that they openly share money things, but I wouldn't ask, either. I have no interest in details of how they afforded something or what they're worth, details of their compensation, etc. It would taint a friendship or familial relationship which has nothing to do with money.

**jenn_jenn** · 04-23-2021, 09:50 AM

Most of the time I’ll say something along the lines of “chose not to afford” it since this is a reflection of us recognizing that we chose to stay focused on our priorities and goals.

As far as talking about money, I’m pretty open about it with my friends and family. it’s. It’s not as if we share bank statements or things like that but it’s often focused around our goals and things we’re doing to meet them.

For example, in general, I know how much my friends make and they know how much I make. It comes up in discussion because we are all career oriented and we benefit from these conversations. Just last month, I talked with a friend who was being paid about $25k less a year than I was when I was in her role. I prepped with her for her negotiations with her employer - she got the raise! I had another friend help me in a similar way about a year ago.

We talk about retirement savings. I was able to introduce my friend the concept of back door roth which she was so excited about.

We’ll talk about our real estate goals, equity, and interest rates. Several of my friends have 1 - 2 rental properties and we’ll share experiences. One friend helped another friend get a better interest rate on their new mortgage.

Investing in the stock market is always a hot topic and everyone’s recent gains or losses. A chunk of our friends are investment bankers (another chunk thinks they’re investment bankers

) so that’s not surprising.

I think a lot of this has to do with our stage of life (we’re all in our 20s and early 30s). I also think our generation is generally a little more open about these things than our parent’s generation.

**breathemusic** · 04-23-2021, 09:57 AM

I love talking finances in a more general sense with anyone who is interested. I like budgeting, retirement planning, etc so when I'm not talking specific numbers about my own bank accounts, I'm happy to discuss what are standard recommendations, best practices, etc. But I don't often talk about my own personal finances from an actual NUMBERS perspective with anyone outside of my household unless I'm seeking my own advice. And I don't ask about personal finances unless I feel it's necessary with a partner, or parent, etc.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 04-23-2021, 10:00 AM

I usually say we'll pass not in the budget this month. I don't say that we can't afford it, because it's very apparent it's likely not true. But I say we don't want to do it. I do however say flat out to people we are friends with and travel "no we can't afford it." I mean but seriously it would take more people aback to spend like $500-1000/night. And maybe we could afford it but I'm like are you nuts? I point out it's $500/night and that is not normal. So even I say it's unaffordable I don't care if you do you have an idea what we make. That's still ridiculous amounts of money. I have no idea to keep up and will say it flat out.

I do talk with friends a bit about investments. but they all know i do taxes so I have a very good idea what people make. I also have a very good idea about investments. I never mention what we have but it's very obvious when people (usually men) start talking about their investments and i can usually add in what we have it's apparent we have a substantial amount. Also more surprising that we did it without any parental help. Most people assume DH and I got our down payment.

I know in our circles based on what we do and where we live, most people's parents helped them buy their homes. We're pretty much the only couple who didn't get any help to buy our home or car. And we're also the one of the few couples whose parents have never treated them on trips or anything and we pay for them. So we are either super "frugal" or make a heck of lot of money.

**kork13** · 04-23-2021, 12:57 PM

My mindset is much closer to jenn_jenn -- most of the money conversations I have with my friends/coworkers center around one of two things: (A) investments of various sorts -- stocks/bonds/MFs, real estate, retirement accounts... Some like to dabble in stock options, crypto currency, etc., but for those I'll mostly just listen & nod, maybe say that I prefer less risky, less complex investments. I've found that folks who believe they're "smarter than the average bear" with that stuff can't be convinced otherwise.... Or (B) goals & plans, especially post-military. Occasionally, the topics of budgeting, credit cards, debt, or similar comes up as well.

With my family, it's alot more far reaching, and more detailed. My father & brothers know I'm a finance nerd, so they'll ask for opinions or advice on occasion... Especially my father (retiring from the federal government in May!!), and my youngest brother (still getting himself established into his young career as a pilot). We've talked exact numbers & specific situations between us, and I'm perfectly comfortable talking that level of detail with them.

As for "affording" something or not, that phrase isn't really used, maybe unless/until we start talking about dropping thousands of dollars in one shot (ex: bathroom remodel -- I don't have the cash on hand allocated for a $20k remodel, so we can't afford that right now)... Or perhaps, we don't WANT to afford that... More often, it's "not worth the cost" or "not a priority" or similar type language.

Random thought along these lines, but I'm slowly trying to convince myself that I can relax a bit when it comes to shopping... Ex: The difference between peanut butter for 9.1 cents/oz vs. 10.2 cents/oz is effectively meaningless for us. And yet, my frugal (mildly OCD?) brain drives me to compare, and frequently go for the lowest unit price. Often silly stuff like that, and I'm trying to let go... But the old habits that helped me get here bit by bit are hard to break!

**HundredK** · 04-23-2021, 01:23 PM

I don't talk to others about money (except for my mom who I am currently helping, and obviously I talk here). But as a rule, no one else. I talk to myself about money constantly, it's almost always on my mind, but not out of worry any longer, just out of curiosity. I never tell myself I can't afford a thing, I just place things into priority levels, and most of the time, saving is a bigger priority for me than buying things. I track all my money religiously and love watching my spending trends, but I never use that information punitively, I just use it to stay on course and make sure it aligns with my current priorities.

**Snicks** · 04-23-2021, 03:24 PM

When I was younger, I might have said "oh I can't afford it" to something I didn't want or didnt' want to do. But, when you say that it almost invites someone to argue with you to tell you why they think you can afford it. So, I found, no thanks , or not interested to spend on that was really more honest and didn't invite anyone to debate !

Talking About Money