Adult Child Won't Leave

**snafu** · 06-03-2015, 06:43 PM

What a ghastly situation. I presume son's an adult and by now has run out of unemployment benefits leaving DH to provide an 'allowance' as well. In my view DH isn't doing his son any favours by being an enabler and continuing to support dependency and removing the requirement that son take on adult responsibilities. It will take the two of you working together to move this guy forward.

Chapter II Is there any reasoning with DH to have him understand that he is harming his son?

**rennigade** · 06-04-2015, 04:49 AM

Thats what happens when you marry a beta male. Tell him to grow a set and step up his game.

**ua_guy** · 06-04-2015, 09:10 AM

Presumably it's also your house, and you are also an active participant in the marriage. The situation sounds untenable for you, but it's unthinkable for your husband to throw his son out. So you're both at odds, and even more awkward, there's this adult "kid" that's become a fixture in your residence.

You need to work together. Maybe you come up with a plan that in order for his son to stay, he has to find a job--ANY job--flipping burgers, washing dishes, WHATEVER, so long as he's bringing in enough money to at least take care of some of his own very basic expenses. Chances are his son is holding out (lazily, maybe) for a career job or a job similar to what he had before. Forcing him to take any job as a requirement for assistance from mom/dad might accelerate/motivate the process of him finding a career type job.

Or, come up with an agreement for him to pay minimal rent--this still provides assistance and you can still help out, but now he's gotta foot some of the expense. This too will encourage him to be a bit hungrier for work.

**gina452** · 06-05-2015, 11:03 AM

Originally posted by ua_guy View Post

Presumably it's also your house, and you are also an active participant in the marriage. The situation sounds untenable for you, but it's unthinkable for your husband to throw his son out. So you're both at odds, and even more awkward, there's this adult "kid" that's become a fixture in your residence.

YES!! The worst part is that his son says that he's actively looking for a job, but he never gets off the computer to go outside and actually look for one. If I say anything to him about trying to get a job, he says that he's looking online. Even if that's true, it's not working because he hasn't found a job. I want to make a deadline that he has to find some work so that he gets out of the house at least part of the day, but I can't get my husband to go along with it.

Right now the situation is I either remain uncomfortable in my own house because there someone living there that I don't think belongs there, or I lose my husband. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable because nowhere in my marriage vows that I say I was marrying my husband and his son. I'm really at my wits end and I'm not sure what to do.

**Drake3287** · 06-05-2015, 12:49 PM

I completely agree with you, both your husband and son are totally out of line. You've been more then fair and patient. There's no reason his son can't find a job, even a job at McDonalds is better than nothing plus it shows his willingness to work and save a little money or provide rent. I could find a job tomorrow if I had to and I'm your age.

You didn't marry into this, give your husband a deadline and stick to it. It's his job to deal with this lazy kid, not yours. Don't be afraid to play hard ball with either of them.

**corn18** · 06-05-2015, 01:44 PM

That is a tough situation and I empathize with your dilemma.

There's always two sides to a story, even a bad one. Would like to hear from your husband and son before offering a solution.

I will offer advice that all three of you sit down and formulate a path forward in a loving, compassionate, non-attributional environment. Maybe you should set a deadline for that vs. a deadline for the son to move out.

Tom

**DoreneHanson** · 04-28-2016, 05:22 AM

Talk with the son directly and explain your situation.

**Fishindude77** · 04-28-2016, 06:10 AM

Luckily we've not had these issues, but my thought has always been ..... No you are not moving back home. We will give you some help and set you up in a cheap rental apartment or house fully paid for, for 6 months which should give you adequate time to get your act together and find some decent work. If you can't get your act together by then, you're on your own.

I would definitely demand some work around the house from a kid that was living there for free and not working. Would also demand that I see ongoing effort to become gainfully employed.

This kind of parenting wrecks marriages and ruins young adults. Time for some tough love.

**Tabs** · 05-03-2016, 04:17 PM

Charge your son rent.

**FLA** · 05-03-2016, 05:10 PM

I'm with ua guy, he gets any job, even a minimum wage job and contributes to the household bills. And helps around the house. How old is he?

My DS decided not to go to college right out of HS. He lives with my ex now. I spoke with my ex that he should set ground rules, he works FT, pays room and board, buys his own car, etc. The ex said he would not do any of that and if DS wanted to play music for a year, he'd allow it. I was furious but he's not in my household anymore. My son shocked me, he works so many double shifts IDK how he does it. He saved up tuition for luthier school. Got rid of the piece of crap car from 2000 that the ex bought him and bought a used Civic with hardly any miles. Buys all his own vegan groceries. A year later and I barely recognize this kid. Thank God he had a spark within him, because my ex has no balls.

could your step son be depressed? something like that that is keeping him from getting back out there?

**rennigade** · 05-04-2016, 04:27 AM

^no point in replying to the op. This was posted almost a year ago...op has 2 posts...just another hit and runner...the usual these days.

**bennkar** · 05-10-2016, 01:00 PM

Originally posted by rennigade View Post

^no point in replying to the op. This was posted almost a year ago...op has 2 posts...just another hit and runner...the usual these days.

True, but it was worth coming to this thread just to read your first post (which I agree with totally).

**Drake3287** · 05-13-2016, 09:10 AM

I wonder what ever happened......

**rennigade** · 05-13-2016, 10:12 AM

Originally posted by Drake3287 View Post

I wonder what ever happened......

Legend has it one morning while the adult child was passed out from an entire night of binge drinking the parents packed their bags and left...never to be seen or heard from again.

Adult Child Won't Leave