Help with not spoilng the kids

[Jennsnoopy]

Hi. I am new here. My husband and I are 38. We have 2 children, a 6 year old girl and a 2 ½ year old boy. Last fall our son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and 10 days later our daughter was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. While prognosis is good for both, its been a very stressful time for the family. No one thinks they will get hit with serious health issues mid life let alone serious medical issues for your children.

Luckily, the only debt my husband and I have is our mortgage. We’ve been able to weather this storm well so far but the first few months into diagnosis I ended up spending a lot of money of gifts for both kids, unnecessary things for the house, etc. . I’ve showered the kids with tons of stuff, out of guilt, fear, etc and now they expect it. I need to back out of this behavior. About 3 months ago I was able to stop the house spending but with the kids…It’s hard. While the spending didn’t put us into any debt, it did take away from what could have been used for additional savings, plus its not a good lesson for my kids. My husband is the sole bread earner and I want to respect the money he makes. He has been great to me and I feel every penny I can save is like helping the family make money (since I am a stay at home mom I figure that is one way financially I can contribute).

Looking around the house is difficult because of what I have accumulated. I have begun posting on the declutter thread. Still climbing out is hard. I guess you all will learn more of our story as we go along.

I need to learn how to manage my kids expectations of living with not getting spoiled. And I have to learn how not to spoil them anymore. This will be tough as our daughter still has almost 2 years left of chemotherapy and our son has surgeries coming up. I feel bad when they have to go through painful procedures. That is how I rewarded in the past.

Sorry if I sound like a mess. This is an emotional time for our family.


Thanks for any help.

[Mjenn]

Hi Jennsnoopy,

Big hugs to you and your family - sounds like you are doing a great job & your kids are lucky to have you.

I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I can tell you a little bit about what a friend of mine, who's little boy has been battling brain cancer for the last 3 years, has done. They don't have a lot of money, but they have certainly been spoiling their little one with a lot of family time and fun, inexpensive experiences.

They make it a priority to visit LO's favorite places as a whole family (older siblings, mom and dad) at least one, once a week - this has involved going to the beach and playing in the sand in the winter (really funny pics and everyone had a lot of laughs) - going to the park as a family - going to local theatre. They bring picnic lunches and favorite stuffed animals, and sometimes friends, and make a party out of it.

There is a lot of gift giving, especially before treatments, but mostly it is handmade stuff - lots of eggcarton sculptures and drawings wrapped up in paper with ribbons.

I have to say it has been amazing to see this family close ranks and support their little one.

Best wishes to you and yours.... My friends LO is currently in remission.

[snafu]

It must be incredibly difficult to cope with two DKs [darling kids] with such serious medical issues. I wonder if you would consider joining the support groups for families whose children have CP and Leukemia. Those parents have practical experience to share.

Best wishes sent your way

[Jennsnoopy]

I am a member of both support groups online. unfortunately most of us parents have overindulged our kiddos.it's pretty common but i want to start doing better by my kids and my husband. Hard habit to break.

[disneysteve]

I’ve showered the kids with tons of stuff, out of guilt, fear, etc and now they expect it.

Best wishes to you and the kids for full and complete recoveries.

Just as they came to expect all of the gifts, they will come to accept a normal pattern as you return to regular spending. They are little kids. As much as you want to shower them with stuff due to their illnesses, you can't let the expectations of a 2 year old and a 6 year old impact your spending decisions.

How do you stop spoiling them? Maybe you don't. Just change what "spoiling" means. Maybe it means cooking a favorite meal. Maybe it means sitting down and playing a family game or watching a favorite DVD (even if you have seen it a dozen times). Maybe it means polishing your daughter's nails. Or going for a bike ride. Or taking them to a local street fair. Don't make it about stuff. Make it about spending time together.

[cschin4]

jenns - Hugs to you and your kids. There are some excellent points here. I like the ideas of mjenn. Instead of making it about "we are spoiling you and now we are going to cut back", just refocus. Refocus on what is important which is time together with family. But, also, gifts are enjoyed and important to children and there is nothing wrong with. Too often we think we have to remove the ability of people to enjoy receiving gifts. I enjoy the joy of my child getting a new thing and allow them to do so. Have fun. You aren't going to regret doing so.
But, if it seems to be getting a bit out of hand, then you can cut back. And, another way to focus is perhaps to go and donate some toys once a month to a charity, church, etc. Or, maybe have the kids draw or make some pictures for other sick kids in the hospital ,etc. It really isn't so much about the gifts but the long haul of teaching your kids the pleasures of receiving and giving.