Daughter uncomfortable with expensive gifts

[disneysteve]

Our daughter will have her Bat Mitzvah in September. A few close family members would like to give her significant gifts for the occasion and have asked what she'd like, or if she wants to pick something out that they will pay for.

While that doesn't sound like it would be a problem, it is. Being the type of people we are, we haven't raised her to be the type to ask for expensive presents, or even to have expensive taste in presents. So now she's getting all stressed about how to pick a gift for hundreds of dollars for these people to give her.

We could have them give her money, but they don't want to do that. They want to give a "thing" that she'll keep long-term and remember them by in the future, like a nice piece of jewelry. As far as she's concerned, though, she puts a lot more importance on where something came from rather than how much it cost. For example, she has a religious charm that was mine growing up that I gave her a couple of years ago and it is her most prized piece of jewelry. She wears it all the time. It isn't valuable at all - worth under $100 - but the fact that it was mine is what makes it valuable to her.

So any suggestions on how we approach this? We've talked about taking her to our jewelry store to browse and see if she finds something she falls in love with, but she honestly isn't excited about the idea. While I'm certainly proud of her for not being materialistic, this is one time when it is actually posing a problem.

A classmate of hers had her Bat Mitzvah last month and her grandmother gave her a Coach handbag. The girl was ecstatic and told and showed everybody she could. My daughter couldn't care less and doesn't understand why anyone would spend $400 on a handbag. So that's the mindset we're dealing with here (very much like my own and my wife's).

[jIM_Ohio]

I don't have any good ideas. Here are my bad ideas:

1) fund a vacation for your daughter. Have one family buy the plane tix, another do the hotel, another do the travel expenses at destination. If you get creative, your daughter could fund a nice vacation.

2) invest the money in something which has a piece of paper (like a bond). So the paper is the material thing.

3) get a new electronic something or other she will need as she approaches college age (think computer+printer+ other).

[musicalbabe85]

Well, first off congrats on having a daughter that understands that money doesn't buy happiness!

Second, I'm not familiar with the etiquette of a bat mitzvah, but I would think that if she isn't comfortable with getting an expensive gift, then that should be made clear. If the day is for her, then I think her wishes should be respected.

Does she feel strongly regarding any certain charities? Maybe a donation could go to that particular charity or organization in her name. Then maybe something could be engraved with the date, reason, and giver of the gifted donation.

Again, I'm sorry if this isn't any help. I really don't know much about the occasion, but I hope that everything works out and she is able to enjoy herself!

[moneybags]

What a nice dilemna to have. Since she is not a Coach bag kind of girl (yeah), I would direct her towards things that she can have forever, making them her own keepsakes. What about Tiffany & Co? It is very popular with the younger crowd and jewelry lasts forever. They have some nice Star of David necklaces (I'm thinking that would be appropriate??). Then, she can make it her own heirloom to pass on to her kids. I find it a bit pricey, but good for a special occasion.

[disneysteve]

1) fund a vacation for your daughter.

2) invest the money in something which has a piece of paper (like a bond). So the paper is the material thing.

3) get a new electronic something or other she will need as she approaches college age (think computer+printer+ other).

Since she's 12, #1 isn't really all that applicable. #2 is the way I'd lean. #3 also not real applicable again because of her age. She's already got an iPod and a cell phone and hasn't really been clamoring for anything else. College is too far off for anything bought now to be useful.

Does she feel strongly regarding any certain charities?

I've thought about that, too, but the giver has to be okay with that, too. And right now I don't think there is a particular charity she'd want to direct the money towards.

I would direct her towards things that she can have forever, making them her own keepsakes. What about Tiffany & Co? It is very popular with the younger crowd and jewelry lasts forever. They have some nice Star of David necklaces

That's pretty much what the family is thinking. Either something that might get passed down in the future or at least something she would always have and be able to say, "My grandmother gave me this way back when for my Bat Mitzvah" long after grandmom is gone. The problem is picking that item. I know that when we go shopping, she'll be just as happy with the $100 star than with the $500 star as long as she likes the design. She won't be impressed by a price tag.

Again, certainly a nice problem to have. Shows that the lessons have sunk in, at least so far.

[mom-from-missouri]

I can tell you what my daughters would chose:

1. A trip with that person--maybe a 2-3 day get away with some memories to bring back.

2. A ceder chest to start a hope chest with.

3. A book collection

4. Mine are getting into charm bracelets. One could buy the bracelet and charms can be added by various persons to remind them of certain events or trips in her life.

[moneybags]

I know that when we go shopping, she'll be just as happy with the $100 star than with the $500 star as long as she likes the design. She won't be impressed by a price tag.

Have her pick a store & a generic item she likes. For example, she can tell the giver that she would like a necklace from Macys, adding in a few details "I like silver, small charms, etc". The giver can than pick the item & the price. I gave Tiffany's in my earlier example, they have a range of prices starting in the low $100's up to thousands, you could send a buyer there & let them decide. I'm not a jewelry person, so I'm sure there are other stores similar, I just don't know what they are.

I think it is a sign of maturity that she is uncomfortable picking out a pricey item. Many teens would jump on that and make a list.

[zetta]

How about suggesting things she can use someday when she hosts sabbath or sedar meals -- candlesticks, special plates, etc? Or are those more appropriate for when she gets married?

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Hmm, that's tough.

A piece of furniture, like maybe a curio cabinet? A musical instrument? A canoe, a personally fitted frame backpack, a fine fishing reel? An original painting? A set of calligraphy pens and inks, sable paint brushes, huge canvasses, a large selection of oil paints??

Jewelry that has belonged to the giver, so that she has a more meaningful keepsake such as she has from you? Handmade wool or silk kasmiri shawl? A really fine, well made jewelry box? A music box that plays the entirety of a favorite piece of music? A past-present-future necklace? This is an inexpensive one but I can't resist: a yesterday-today-and tomorrow plant? A beautiful vase?

Some nice art reproduction books-- the kind of thing one rarely buys for oneself? A reproduction from a favorite art museum gift shop? (Art museum gift shops are full of beautiful things.)

[Like2Plan]

How about stocks in her favorite companies?

[moneybags]

Does she feel strongly regarding any certain charities? Maybe a donation could go to that particular charity or organization in her name. Then maybe something could be engraved with the date, reason, and giver of the gifted donation.

In my experience, when people want to give a special gift, they don't want to go along with this idea. Especially for a special occassion such as this. I've tried it with some of my family, and they always want to give something to me (it drives me nuts).

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Lifetime subscriptions to a quality magazine?

[Ima saver]

I like the stock idea! I always wanted to own stock when I was a kid!

[disneysteve]

3. A book collection

Funny story, and to show that the frugality runs in the family.

Our niece (my wife's sister's daughter) graduated high school 4 years ago (she's graduating college next month). We wanted to give her something special as she is our only niece and we're close with her. What did she ask for? Books. She had gotten into reading a lot of classics and had a list of titles. I figured we'd go out and get the deluxe, leather-bound editions that she could have for ever. Nope. She wanted the budget, paperback editions that Barnes and Noble had printed for their stores. She saw no point in spending more than necessary to get the fancy ones, even if she wasn't the one paying.

It must be in the genes.

[disneysteve]

How about suggesting things she can use someday when she hosts sabbath or sedar meals -- candlesticks, special plates, etc? Or are those more appropriate for when she gets married?

More appropriate for a wedding, since it would be years before she got to use the items regularly. Currently, when we celebrate religious observances, we use the items we already have.

OT, but I see that the items on your financial checklist are all checked. Time for some new goals.