Last week I was open with you about how hard it’s been to learn to talk about money with others because I’ve always lived alone. At the end of that post, I mentioned that I’m working hard on open financial communication with my current partner. We’re doing well, and we hope to move in together at some point. However, I confess, I have a lot of fears about the financial aspect of moving in together.
Here are my top ten financial fears about moving in with my partner:
1. We’ll Fight About Money
I think that this is the most obvious issue that couples face when it comes to money. Therefore, I’ll get it out of the way. I don’t worry extensively about this one. However, I’m aware that it’s likely to come up from time to time. Since I’ve never learned healthy “fighting” about money in relationships, this will be an area for growth. Hopefully.
2. We Won’t Fight About Money
I’m actually significantly more concerned that we won’t fight about money. Specifically, I’m concerned that we’ll be resentful, passive aggressive, avoidant, and angry about money problems if we fail to communicate well about them. This is the situation that I saw growing up. It’s the situation that I had with my past partners.
I hope that this won’t be the case. Or, rather, if it comes up, that we’ll catch it early and navigate through it together. We started talking about money early on – about our individual experiences with it, how we see sharing it, what our challenges are about it. We’ve also talked openly about where we know our communication problems lie. Namely, that we both prefer to avoid conflict. Furthermore, we’re both open to the option of couples’ therapy should either of us feel like we need it.
Of all of my fears, this is the biggest one. It’s also the one I think will most realistically come to pass. However, I try to have confidence that we’re able to handle this.
3. I Won’t Qualify For New Housing
This is a sort of random fear that pops up now and then in my mind. My finances are complicated. I’ve always paid my rent on time (early actually). I make enough money to afford to live here. And yet, on paper, you can’t always see that. Moreover, my credit score fluctuates a lot. Sometimes I carry a lot of debt. Other times I don’t. So, sometimes my credit score looks bad.
I’ve actually never found this to be a huge problem when seeking housing. Certain places are very strict about this, of course. However, the kinds of places where I’m happy to live are more flexible about looking at a variety of documents. Nevertheless, it’s this weird fear I have that when it comes time to get a place, the landlord will look at my money and reject me.
Realistically, if we’re moving in together, I actually have a better chance of good housing with my partner’s finances also at play. But then there’s weird shame around “relying” on that.
4. We Can’t Afford a Place We Both Want
We both want to continue to live in San Francisco. However, I’ve lived alone for a really long time. He’s lived alone for a while. We both want to maintain some of our own space. Therefore, we’re not looking at one bedroom apartments. And when you start looking at 2 and 3 bedroom places in San Francisco, you’re talking about a lot of rent money. Rents have gone down since the pandemic, but they’re still high. And if we don’t act fast, they could quickly go up again. So, the high cost of moving into a place with enough room for both of us creates fear.
5. We Can Only Afford It Together, But What If …
At this time, we can probably get the place that we want at a cost we can afford together. We’re each paying independently to live in San Francisco. Therefore, if we each pay that same amount for our halves of a new place together, we should be fine. However, this creates a new fear. What if we move in together to a place I can only afford half of … and then something happens to him? Or vice versa. If something happens to him, I can’t afford to support both of us. He could probably support both of us briefly but then there’s all kinds of guilt potential there for me. That’s scary. It’s scary to sign a lease for a place that you absolutely know you can’t afford on your own.
6. What If Living Together Doesn’t Work Out?
Obviously, there are plenty of other emotional reasons to be afraid of this. Speaking strictly financially, though, this brings us back to points number 4 and 5. If we move in together, then it doesn’t work out, where will I move next. If rents go up in the meantime, and I’ve moved out of my current rent-controlled place, will I be able to afford to rent alone again in San Francisco?
7. We’ll Get Judgmental About Spending
I don’t worry about how he spends his money. He could purchase the most frivolous ridiculous things in the world, and I don’t ever think about it. After all, it’s his money. Will there come a time when I think of his money as “our” money? And if so, will I have to learn how to be honest about my feelings without judgment? Obviously, continuing to keep separate accounts should prevent this problem. Still, it comes up in my mind. And of course he could also begin to judge how I spend my money, something I’ve never had to answer to anyone else about.
8. Our Money Differences Will Become Too Big
We view personal debt differently, among other things. Right now, we’re really respectful of each other’s differences in this area. Similar to, or related to, the spending issue, though, will we become judgmental and resentful about this in the future? If we have to talk about money regularly as part of our shared household, will all of these differences get magnified past the point where we’re okay with it all?
9. I’ll Do What He Wants Regarding Money
This is entirely about my personality and not his. I have a history of molding myself around the person I’m in a relationship with in many different ways. It’s something I’ve worked on consistently in therapy. I do it less these days. However, I am still prone to this.
Oftentimes, it’s really just that I don’t have a strong preference about something. So, when asked what I want, I really just want whatever makes the other person happy. However, I have to have a lot of time alone to stay centered so that I know when I’m doing that and when I actually need to figure out my own ways. I worry that not having that time alone, I’ll choose to bend too much and end up wishing I hadn’t.
10. We’ll Stop Having Fun
I suppose that there’s this fear that if we move in together, we’ll just talk about the house. We don’t have kids but we’ll talk about money and the dog and the mundane things of life. And, as a result, we’ll stop having fun. I’m not sure this is specific to money but it’s all tied up together.
Ultimately, I choose to make my decisions based on faith, love, and optimism. Therefore, these financial fears won’t prevent me from moving forward if my partner and I decide that we want to live together. However, it’s important to stay aware of these fears and work with them. After all, left unaddressed, they can only create problems.
Tell me about how you and your partner have dealt with money issues once you lived together. Your comments help!
Read More:
- 10 Ways Depression Impacted My Finances
- 10 Mental Health Benefits of Saving Money
- How to Talk About Money With Everyone In Your Family
Come back to what you love! Dollardig.com is the most reliable cash-back site on the web. Just sign up, click, shop, and get full cashback!
Kathryn Vercillo is a professional writer who loves to live a balanced life. She appreciates a good work-life balance. She enjoys balance in her relationships and has worked hard to learn how to balance her finances to allow for a balanced life overall. Although she’s only blonde some of the time, she’s always striving for total balance. She’s excited to share what she’s learned with you and to discover more together along the way.
Comments