What is wrong with adult children living at home?

[sagremus]

I have been reading and thinking a lot lately about the stigma of adult children living at home with their parents in the United States.

Personally, my parents and I had a rocky relations when I lived with them, but I moved out during college and our relationship has drastically improved.

However, I can see that if you have a good relationship with your family, it could be a good thing to stay at home. This would only be beneficial if the adult child was working, contributed to rent and living expenses such as utilities and groceries, helped around the house, and generally contributed to the family and the home. As my parents get older and being the eldest female, I often feel compelled to care for them, help them, and watch out for them. I would worry about an elderly parent being home alone and would feel better living with them so I could keep an eye on them.

So, both adult children and parents can benefit finacially and by other means with this type of arrangement. I know that in many cultures it is the norm. So why is there such a push to get children out of the home in our society?

[disneysteve]

I have been reading and thinking a lot lately about the stigma of adult children living at home with their parents in the United States.

This would only be beneficial if the adult child was working, contributed to rent and living expenses such as utilities and groceries, helped around the house, and generally contributed to the family and the home.

So why is there such a push to get children out of the home in our society?

I think the reason for the stigma is the part I bolded from your post. When most of us talk about adult "kids" who need to get out on their own, we're referring to the ones who aren't doing what you listed. They aren't supporting themselves. They aren't helping around the house. They aren't paying rent or buying groceries. They're mooching off their parents. It isn't good for the kids and it certainly isn't good for the parents.

I know numerous parents of older kids who feel trapped. They are spending money to support adult children that should be going toward retirement savings. They're also seeing their lifestyle dreams vanish. Maybe they wanted to travel more once the kids were grown. Maybe they had plans to move and downsize, or remodel their existing home. Whatever. They've seen their plans go down the tubes because they can't get their kids out of the house.

And the kids are eating it up. Many of them are working perfectly good jobs and enjoying nearly 100% disposable income because the parents are covering their expenses - no rent, no utilities, no groceries. They get to spend all of their money going out with friends, traveling, partying, etc.

I see all of that as very dysfunctional and unhealthy for everyone involved.

Now, if there is a very beneficial-for-all arrangement like you allude to, like an adult child moving back in to help aging parents both physically and financially, that's an entirely different story.

[UnknownXV]

It's one thing to live with your folks and not pay anything. I don't see anything wrong if you pay your fair share.

Hell, there's nothing morally wrong even if you don't, as long as your parents allow you to stay. It's their choice to support you. I have less respect for someone that wants to shut themselves away from the world, but it's hardly a huge issue.

[BMEPhDinCO]

I see it as a way for the child to avoid growing up. There's no need to get a "real" job, since "rent" is usually pretty low (I have a friend who pays less than $100 a month for her "bedroom"), "food" is usually pretty low (just special items for my friend), car expenses can be low (she borrows her parent's car and only pays gas for what she uses, no insurance), cell phone pretty low (family plan) and usually utilities aren't part of the deal. That means she can get by only making $300 a month.

But what happens when the parent dies, or moves, or can't support this? Then this "adult-child" must grow up and usually can't cope.

So I think it's a bad idea. Now, if it was a compound, with bills all split equally, a separate living quarter (like a house) for each, etc, then I think it would be more ok.

[Wino]

In many cultures, it is commonplace for a family to live in one large building or compound. I'm talking about grand parents, parents, children, grandchildren - multiple generations. I think the US and much of western Europe tends to be more of a "push the bird out of the nest so it can fly" type of countries.

Nothing wrong with living at home, as long as every knows and plays by the rules. The problems happen when someone decides the rules don't apply or that the rules should change.

[cypher1]

I've said it before on here, but if the person is actually contributing to the household and not mooching off parents then I don't see a problem. I lived at home till 28, paid my parents rent, mowed the lawn each week, shoveled, fixed their cars. I never ate at home though, only slept and showered there, and did my laundry at laundromat (I actually found it more convenient using 3 machines at once vs 1 load at a time at home). But on the flipside I've had other siblings leech off my parents when moving back, not contributing at all.

[UnknownXV]

I've said it before on here, but if the person is actually contributing to the household and not mooching off parents then I don't see a problem. I lived at home till 28, paid my parents rent, mowed the lawn each week, shoveled, fixed their cars. I never ate at home though, only slept and showered there, and did my laundry at laundromat (I actually found it more convenient using 3 machines at once vs 1 load at a time at home). But on the flipside I've had other siblings leech off my parents when moving back, not contributing at all.

If you were paying rent, there's nothing wrong with using the washing and dryer at home... same for eating, as long as you buy your own food.

Basically just look at it like living with very close roommates and things should be fine.

[kcollins]

It's a cultural thing

If the adult child is not free-loading and contributing to the family and society, I don't see a problem with it. Some cultures consider multi-family living a part of normal life. I know that the Indian culture go as far as having the parents move in with their child's family. The male adult child becomes the patriarch of the household.

I do have an issue where parents allows their adult child to live in the basement, unemployed, get babied, etc. The typical stereotype for a adult child living at home.

Great discussion.

[Dido]

As others said, it depends on what the adult child contributes. My sister lived with my mother for all but 3 years of her adult life...and during those 3 years away, she talked with Mom every night on the phone (and her roommates were always women about our mom's age).

My mother asked my sister, once she was working full-time, to contribute to the household expenses, but my sister never did. She used her salary to pay her own car, medical, food, clothing, and entertainment expenses, but she never contributed towards the household, except, when they remodeled the kitchen and my sister wanted a new oven and range and my mother just wanted to keep the old ones, my sister did pay for the new appliances. To her credit, during the last year of our mom's life, my sister did caregiver duty when she wasn't at work (mom had a professional caregiver 12 hours a day), and she did help mom out with driving and a few chores during the last few years when mom's energy was fading.

But it was a rude shock when mom died and inherited the house and had to start paying all those tax and utility bills on her own, and my sister is still having an emotionally difficult time coping because there's a lot of growing up that she didn't do by staying dependent on mom all of that time. Mom was trying to make things easier for her, but she only postponed the difficulties that we all have in growing up, and made it even harder in the end.

So while adult children living with parents can potentially be mutually beneficial, I thing there's a big trap for the unwary.

[surveyspencer]

The stigma may be changing since there are more adults living with the rents.

[disneysteve]

my sister is still having an emotionally difficult time coping because there's a lot of growing up that she didn't do by staying dependent on mom all of that time. Mom was trying to make things easier for her, but she only postponed the difficulties that we all have in growing up, and made it even harder in the end.

I think this clearly voices the problem that many of us have with kids who remain in their parents' home too long. You need to grow up. You need to become an independent adult. You need to learn how to handle your own affairs. That's all part of becoming an adult. When you never leave the nest, you never to learn to fly. It isn't good for the kid. It isn't good for the parents. Ultimately, I don't think it is good for society.

[dawnwes]

I think much of it is a cultural thing.

I personally don't care if my kids live with me long term as long as they abide by our house rules and are either working and saving or looking actively for a job.

Dawn

[DayByDay]

However, I can see that if you have a good relationship with your family, it could be a good thing to stay at home. This would only be beneficial if the adult child was working, contributed to rent and living expenses such as utilities and groceries, helped around the house, and generally contributed to the family and the home.

So, both adult children and parents can benefit finacially and by other means with this type of arrangement. I know that in many cultures it is the norm. So why is there such a push to get children out of the home in our society?

This describes our living situation with our 22yo. He pays his equal share of rent and household expenses and is building up his own savings at the same time. He'd rather not go rent with strangers, and we'd rather not rent to strangers. So this works for us.

[UnknownXV]

I actually had an idea that when I had a kid, I would charge them rent after they turned 18 if they still wanted to stay. Nothing crazy. About the price of having a roommate otherwise.

Doing this teaches them character and the importance of money.

However, this rent money I would set aside, and give it all back to him // her when they decided to move out. They would not expected it, and more to the point, would have the character and understanding to treat that money and tr save it. It would give me peace of mind, knowing they had the mental and monetary means to be very safe and secure for years to go.

[TheShopMyCloset Project]

I think it really depends on the circumstance that brings the adult child home. If, for example, they lose a job or find themselves in financial difficulties, then living at home could be a great way to help that child get back on their feet. I do think that there has to be very clear guidelines regarding the expectations of the parents and of the child. I do believe it's important for adult children who move back home to contribute to the household-pay rent, electric, buy groceries. This establishes that they are adults in the home. The parents should not on a regular basis-do the kid's laundry, cook for them all of the time (child should cook too), do all of the chores. I have heard horror stories about adult children mistreating their parents (taking advantage) of the parent's kindness and not contributing to the running of the household. Also, children should not live in the home for more than 6-8 months unless it's an extreme situation. Yes, other countries do allow children to live with parents for long periods of time, but, that traditionally hasn't been the culture in the United States. However, I DO think it's important to help family members out. But, as stated before, the family has to set clear guidelines to keep everyone happy.