Help! Do I need to move??

**sweeps** · 04-28-2008, 07:59 AM

Yes, I think you need to downsize to a smaller, cheaper place. You net $5,000 a month and will soon spend $3,000 of it on rent and utilities alone? That is unsustainable.

**PrincessPerky** · 04-28-2008, 08:23 AM

Moving is stressful, but so is much of a kids life..including mom working a third job. you can't remove all the stress but you can opt for the best future..which in your case seems to be moving.

Can't help you with the husband though...a serious heart to heart asking him what he wants might lead to more information, lesss swearing...but then you might need a third party moderator for that.

**jIM_Ohio** · 04-28-2008, 08:34 AM

I think you need to downsize.

Downsize to the condo
Downsize your spouse's ego. If he is too lazy to work, you should be too lazy to consider his opinion valid.

**disneysteve** · 04-28-2008, 09:50 AM

You already lost one home and are now in another that you can't afford either. You need to find a place you can afford. I don't know what the issue is with your husband and work, but if he is able-bodied and just not willing to work, I think you need to seriously reconsider that relationship.

**creditcardfree** · 04-28-2008, 09:52 AM

I would move.
I don't know the age of your son, but I would also talk to your son before. Get him help by talking to a counselor if necessary. This move would be by choice rather than forced. You can visit the new school ahead of time. He can help with packing, picking out his room, maybe get a new wall color. I would somehow get him involved and excited about the new place.

**smileybear** · 04-28-2008, 10:03 AM

Well thank you all for responding. I don't normally operate in crisis mode like this - but I've been trying to SERIOUSLY get back on my feet financially and can't avoid looking at our current cost of housing. My husband does have some medical issues - but refuses treatment (after which he could likely work) and refuses to get disability, I don't know that we'd qualify anyway b/c of my salary. (Can you say"enabler"!)

The thing is, my son wouldn't have to change schools! He'd go to the same elementary school. He's in 3rd grade, and fortunately, he is a VERY secure kid, secure in who he is, and I think he would not be happy but I've talked to him about money (Rich Kid, Smart Kid comic books etc.) so he I think would understand, maybe better than his dad! (We had a blast at the thrift stores last weekend!)

We are older parents, so the urgency for saving for retirement cannot be put off. Every year I delay is making it worse. And given our budget i can't even contribute the entire 401K match at work, I put in 1 or 2%.

So, yes, I have to bite the bullet as they say, it will work out far better in the long run I know.

**smileybear** · 04-28-2008, 10:05 AM

PS, I just have to say I love this site..

I was desperately looking for sites to get an answer and clicked "I Feel Lucky!" on Google - and I think I did get lucky! the info on this site about saving, investing, making the right choices, is really amazing.

I am planning on sticking around.

SB

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 04-28-2008, 10:51 AM

I bet the upset in the family is more distressing to your child than moving to a new house. Stability is important, but stability is provided by the people more than by the the domicile...I, too, want to reinforce that you can't keep going on like this or even slide into a worse situation with rent higher than what it is now.

Your husband's qualification for social security disability is based on the disability, not on the spouse's income. If he collects disability insurance, he probably will also get Medicare, in which case he can probably get help with that disability, perhaps solving the problem as you suggest is possible.---But it sounds like it will be easier to decide on your own employment and living place than to deal with his reluctance to get help and/or get work.

In the time since your bankruptcy and then the foreclosure, have you actually accounted for every bit of your spending so that you know where it is all going? I ask because I am surprised to hear you say your gross $100,000 but your take home is $60,000 after taxes. Did I get that right? You had $40.000 in taxes? Are you speaking just federal income taxes or are you including all other taxes in that 40% hit on your earnings? Is it possible you are not paying that much tax, but have lost track of where substantial amounts of your earnings are being spent?

**Broken Arrow** · 04-28-2008, 11:05 AM

SmileyBear, I think you know what you have to do in order to protect the family. So, the issue here isn't knowing what to do but mustering the courage to do so. I think many if not most here have been through situations like that, and for what it's worth, we can relate to you well. We are on your side.

I say do what you have to do. Let your husband decide for himself whether he wants to come along or be left behind. He's an adult, but clearly not part of the team. He really needs to work out his issues and communicate with you better. Become a part of the solution rather than the problem....

But again, that's something he will have to decide for himself. As for you, you are doing the right thing. Try your best to communicate and work things out with him, but in the end, you have to do what you have to do, and that is to protect the family.

Oh, and yes, you DID get lucky.

This is a very supportive community. They helped me through my tough times too.

**smileybear** · 04-28-2008, 11:05 AM

You're right, I was off a bit in saying it was taxes. I bring home about $6400 a month net, after fed/state taxes, health and vision insurance, disability contributions, I have a flexible spending account (my son and I have asthma, plus husband's issues), plus I'm trying to put $100 a month into a new Susie Orman Save Yourself account, and 1-2% into 401K depending on how desperate i feel each month.

I do NOT account for every penny, and that's a problem. But I am trying the envelope thing, $200 for groceries every paycheck, reducing phone and cable bills, etc. I have some student loan debt ($390/mo)and a car loan ($320, high interest), small credit card ($600) which I just paid off. but our expenses - heat, cable, phones, water - eat up another big chunk. These would go down in a smaller house. I'm about barely breaking even.

Also, because in working 2nd job at home, I am spending some cash, a little, on business needs, like writeable CDs, web hosting fees, some minor advertising $20/mo, must have hi-speed cable internet, etc.). I do bring in about $400 a month extra, but now I'm beginning to work a lot harder, more hours each night, and that should cause income to go up for may and beyond.

I do categorize everything in quicken so I know where it WENT but i never know where it will COME FROM next month

**smileybear** · 04-28-2008, 11:11 AM

Thank you Broken Arrow, and everyone, for being supportive. It is hard to carry it all along by myself, but thankfully I'm strong enough to do it. I wish I didn't have to resort to "tough love" but what are the consequences otherwise? Anyway, knowing others are there cheering on and sending good advice is huge.

BTW - I never mentioned, this all started when i got fired (just a personality clash with some owners, agreed to disagree, nothing performance-based thank goodness) - and it took 8 months to find another. But we had zero saving, emergency, etc... so I was a sitting duck. Given the current economy, I just really don't want to be in that boat again! There is no excuse, I have to take responsibility for making things more secure financially.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 04-28-2008, 02:24 PM

Smileybear, I think I can already see that you are going to be able to help others here, too. Your statement about this all starting with a job loss with no emergency savings just gave me a chill. Yep, these things really do happen to real people.

Well I'm glad to hear that part of that missing $40,000 really does go to buying things you need --various insurances, flex account, "Save Yourself" account, even a 401-K now. It doesn't sound nearly as bleak as I first thought. Actually, if you can afford that great little 3 bedroom townhouse with just one child during a period of financial stress, I'd say you are doing well.

**scfr** · 04-28-2008, 03:58 PM

Yes - it sounds like you know that the move is the best idea. And have you considered going even smaller/cheaper, for example a 2BR?

If your husband is not on board, what about asking him in all seriousness if he has a better plan? He is clearly part of the problem, and so he needs to be part of the solution!

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, and wish you the best!

**Broken Arrow** · 04-28-2008, 04:28 PM

Originally posted by scfr View Post

If your husband is not on board, what about asking him in all seriousness if he has a better plan? He is clearly part of the problem, and so he needs to be part of the solution!

Oooh, that's a great idea. Guys love to be asked questions on how to fix something. Even if it's not broken or the woman already knows what the answer is going to be.

Yeah, makes us feel like we're the great mighty hunters from days of yore... even though we probably subsisted mostly off of the fruits and veggies the women collected after coming home empty-handed from a full day's worth of chasing after and getting mauled by animals that are far bigger than us.

Help! Do I need to move??