Asking for an inheritance?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

On another board someone asked the question, how do you deal with inheritances? I feel a bit uncomfortable to say the least asking my parents questions about their money. However I did ask yesterday about whether my parents have a will, they do not. It's a little frustrating that my parents are avoiding their own mortality.

But financial aspects aside, my parents really need to put down the wishes on paper. My grandfather was cremated though my mom and her siblings insisted that he would have preferred an open casket funeral. My grandmother does not approve of that, so he was cremated. But since he didn't leave his wishes known what can you say? I think my family likes to practice "avoidance" more than anything else. Same thing happened to my uncle (my grandmother's brother), he died a few weeks prior to my grandfather and no one knew what his wishes were.

Sometimes I could kosh my family on the head. They don't like to admit their mortality and the idea of discussing money is so taboo. So instead they leave their estates in financial ruin.

As for my parents with 4 kids, I wish they would have a will. I was told on another board I should ask my mom now for a few items I want before anything happens. There are two pieces of jewelry, not worth much maybe $500, which I want. One is my grandfather's ring and the other my grandmother's engagement ring.

I would also like to have my girl's day dolls. These are quite expensive, but they were given to me as a gifts and not my parent's at all. I also would like my hand-sewn kimono from my grandmother. However these items reside in my parents house. DH knows how I feel about these items and thinks I should ask for them. I would never sell any of these items.

But if I can't discuss money or a will with my parents how can I ask for these things? It seems greedy like I'm expecting an inheritance. I just am very unsure how people deal with inheritances, especially inheritances that are not fiscal. Plus how do equitably divide it among your children.

Realize that this is a second marriage and the items I want my siblings have no relationship with. I'd also like old photographs of my family. But without a will, I can't imagine how we would sort out everything. I do feel a bit greedy that stuff my mom got from her parents should be mine, and my siblings who have no relationship with my grandparents should not be allowed to claim any of it. So I know I'm wrong in feeling like this, but they have their own mother's family heirlooms.

I guess this bothers me more because there is no will/directives. And my dad is 77 and my mom is 55.

[boefixepa]

You have many 'possible' nightmares here. If you mom is a step-mom you have REAL possible nightmares. If it's the other way around, it's your step-sibilings that may REALLY cause problems.

Personally, I think it's time to start talking to them about these things. Maybe getting them to slowly return the items that are yours. Don't approach it as a inheritance thing, just as, well my house is in order and I now would like to have these things to share the memories and teach my children about their past.

Maybe have some people come and talk to them, it may be easier for them to take these topics from a non-participating third party.

Whatever, start talking and preparing.

Good Luck!

[pearlieq]

I'd love to hear advice on this too. My mom has advanced breast cancer and STILL hasn't made out even a basic will.

I don't know how to strongly encourage it without being morbid, insensitive, or pushy. I don't want to upset her, but I also just shudder at the thought of her passing without one. Her situation is a bit messy, and I can just imagine months of headaches over her affairs.

Has anyone had any luck getting a reluctant parent to get their affairs in order? What worked? What didn't work?

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I agree that you should ask now for the things that are at your parents house, but which really originally belonged to you. It doesn't seem to me that it would be acting greedy at all. However, you might need to be sensitive about the kimono your grandmother made for you. It might be that your Mom or Dad (whose mother was she?) feels sentimental about the kimono because of the stitches done by their own mother. It could be that that makes them feel connected to their mother (your grandmother) so they might prefer to keep it.

The rings seem like a different issue since they've never belonged to you. If they have already been given by the one parent to the other parent, then even if that parent had no familial relation to the original ring owner, the rings have a new owner. It would be up to them to decide who should get them, even if it is one of the siblings who was not related to the original owner. One of your siblings could be sentimental about the rings now because of them in recent years belonging to their mom - or dad- whoever has them. So even though the rings had belonged to your grandparents, that does not mean that your sibs could not also feel sentimental about them.

The photos? Borrow them now and make copies. No need for only one person to own them exclusively.

[scfr]

Oh, this is a tough one, isn't it?

There's no way to force someone to make a will if they don't want to. You could talk to them about your will, letter of instructions, etc. (whatever you have) to perhaps plant the seed in their minds that they should do that. When I was working on my estate documents, I talked to my younger sister about it some because she is going to be my executor and trustee. Lo and behold, she went ahead and got her will done and completed her letter of instructions at the same time. It was something she knew she should do, but just hadn't gotten around to it, and I guess me doing mine was the encouragement she needed to go ahead and do hers.

Regarding the things that you want, I'd start with the "easier" things first.

PHOTOS: Borrowing them and having copies made is a great idea. And if there are others who want copies as well, perhaps you could offer to have copies made for them at the same time, as a gesture of goodwill.

DOLLS / KIMONO: Since these were given to you originally, it seems clear that they should go to you. Do your parents still give you gifts on special occasions (Christmas, birthday, etc)? Could you say something to them like, "Say, Mom ... Do you know what I'd really love to get for my birthday this year? I'd love to get my girl's day dolls ... There is a spot in my room where I think they would look just great, and they mean so much to me."

Good luck!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Nope the photos are only of my mom's family. My sibs have no relation. They have no relationship at all with my mom's family. Understand that when my parents married my sibs were already in college/jr high. So the age difference is substantial. And my sibs are not close to my parents because they have great loyalty to their mom.

Actually my parents are nagged on many sides. My sister nags them because her mom and MIL refuse to make out wills either (Also in their late 70s). And they just ignore our wishes.

Gifts, um sort of not really. Maybe if we saw them they woudl give me a gift.

Also I already got an inheritance from my MIL, her god awful silver and china. I hate it, they aren't my taste at all. Advice on how not to accept it? And by the way DH accepted it without telling me, while I think it's ugly now I can't get rid of it.

[Ima saver]

My mother wanted everything to be split evenly between my sister and myself. What she did not understand was, by putting everything in my sister's name, she could not leave anything to me.
My sister was older by 9 years, so my mother put her house, car, money, etc. in my sister's name because my sister was an adult when my father died, iwas not.
When my mother died, my sister changed the locks on the house, moved in by herself and took everything.
I got nothing of my mother's , not even a picture of her.

[ktmarvels]

I would try and still talk to your parents about their wishes and where important items are. Not knowing the wishes of the deceased can cause undue stress when planning the funeral and dealing with the estate. You can either have one big discussion with everyone involved, or have a series of smaller chats casually bring up how certain family members died and no one knew their wishes.

[PrincessPerky]

Just cause they have no interest in the pictures doesn't mean you can't offer...might waste a bit of money, but would be worth it if you get the picts...

As to seeing them for getting stuff...um yeah, it helps if you keep lines of communication open, approach all the 'stuff' you want in a manner of 'gee it would be nice'...not demanding, and of course 'I have this perfect spot' nevermind if you have to create it after she gives it. just mention it. especially the stuff that was given to you, ask when you are in the house, so no forgetting can be done.

I find that there is no need to ask of the stuff that belonged to my husband, we merely wonder on up to the attic and take what we want, we even tell them about it sometimes, now if there were anything not belonging to him, we would ask and accept whatever may come. (my side gave/lost everything already)

As to the will, I second the idea that with them is easier than making them do it...even a conversation such as 'I was thinking of putting together a will, what sort of funeral do you think I should have?' is at least getting their side of it...tell em it is a class project for the kids if you have to (and partially home school for the week to make it true)

Course if all you ever talk to them about is a will and getting stuff from them I wouldn't want to talk to you either! bragging on their grandkids is a good alternate topic to start (jr just decided to learn swimming), inquiring on the next visit is a nice ending (jr wanted to have you over to dinner, if to far, we shall come see you, can we bring chicken or a vegetable?), in the middle ask about the stuff you want one week (what ever happened to the girls dolls? I would like to show those to them), the will another...resign yourself to a long haul regardless.

Family isn't easy, but it is worth the work in most cases...just never get to worked up, you can't pick em, and you can't change em.

[scfr]

This doesn't address the issue of how to get your parents to make a will in the first place, but when my grandparents died my mom and my uncle found an incredibly fair and squabble-free way to divide the non-monetary things, which was pretty remarkable considering their relationship was not good.

They made a complete list of all of the items my grandparents owned, with each item assigned a number.
They each had a couple weeks to peruse the list and discuss things with their own children.
Then they went to a coffee shop together with their lists.
They flipped a coin.
Whoever won the coin toss got to choose first.
And then they took turns choosing an item, and they would both cross off each item as it was chosen.
Anything leftover that no one wanted, was donated to charity.
There was no discussion of monetary value, sentimental value, who deserved what, or anything like that. Each person was free to choose according to what they wanted most (my mom seemed to want things she was sentimentally attached to and my uncle seemeed to want things with the highest monetary value, and that was perfectly fine and dandy), and neither person could make any comment or complain.
The whole process was remarkably civil, and I was very proud of them, especially considering they had been squabbling about other things (like my grandparents care) prior to that.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually my mom was very unhappy by grandmother cremated my grandfather when she was pretty sure he wanted an open casket funeral in January of this year. This is what sort of started the argument.

Who had the right? The kids who felt one way or the spouse who felt another? And to be honest my grandfather probably would have agreed with the kids. So my mom was not happy. But the her and my dad still did not make a will though even after this experience.

Arrgh, now I know my my sister gets mad at her MIL and mom. And her MIL has a handicapped child to care for no less. So they are trying to get the executor, etc stuff in order.

But really who likes to do it.

[Daniel_Shop]

I also saw this happening many times. As I am a Catholic and I would like to give a different point of view

As for the story of Ima, I would like to say that what your sister did does only belong to her conscience...

... what I want to say is, I don't think you should be counting on your parents goods. Just count yours, and whatever they want to do, and whomever keep it all... is not your problem, that will remain in everybody's conscience.

Let's put this in another perspective. Our parents grew us and fed us and educated us. Now it's us whom must return them all that and care them and feed them as they get older, their bodies deteriorate, their lives go away and its painful carrying over an old body.

Why do you worry about their goods? You must be the one that give all you have to them.

[Daniel_Shop]

However, I understand we need to know. I suggest first you forget about their goods. Then, aproach them this way

Advice him to sell their goods and go for a trip, but ask them please they leave you the doll and kimono. This is a way to approach.

Tell them if they were going to leave the world, they should enjoy their money left.

Another trick would be. My father likes cars so I advice him:
"why don't you buy a Mercedes? enojoy it who cares about debt. (then smile and say) Of course if your were going to leave all of us (brothers) would like to keep the Car, but forget it... why don't you buy a mercedes?"

These are approaching ways. Keep up sense of humour.

would this work?

[cptacek]

Could you approach it as, what happens if one of you have to go to a nursing home? Where are your bills? Where are your investments? Where does the money come from to pay the house payment? Get some of that down. Then, proceed on to, "If you had to sell something to get buy, what would you sell?" That might prompt them to start talking about their processions, and they might start saying "but I wanted to give that to <blank>."

I agree, if all you ever do is call them to pester them about their will, they probably won't want to talk to you.

You could say things like "A friend of mine went to a funeral the other day, and they did this! Can you believe it!?" That will get them talking about what other people do, and if they approved or not, so you could see what they want through that.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I never pester my parents, if you recall I can't even ask for my stuff. I only asked about the will because something came up and I said do you have one, answer "no". That was the end of the conversation.

Actually my mom started asking me why didn't her rollover work when she retired. My answer, "I don't know because I don't know what you do with your money. If you want to inform me of stuff do so, if not then don't try to ask questions when you aren't willing to share."

That is my parents for you. They are very bull-headed. Trust me I don't want their stuff and they certainly don't ask for advice. If they did I'd say please get a will, stop buying crap, and focus on taking care of yourself.

My parents do not like home repair, so their house is a mess. The roof is falling in, there is water damage but they don't repair it. So I have my mom complaining to me it's my dad's responsibility to call someone to fix it. But my dad hates home repair. So there is a puddle in the house. Yep, that's my parents.

They don't like to repair things so the floor has a hole. They have termites, but are too lazy to call. And you think they don't have the money? Yes they do, instead they bought a 4th car. Um, so my parents love to spend money but they hate being responsible. Responsible to repair a house falling down. But sure no problems buying another house, buying another car. Nevermind they don't drive the other cars, and why bother selling it?

Yep, that's my parents, too lazy to throw stuff away or sell it. So it accumalates. You don't have like 5 couches in the house and a 3 broken tvs if you were a bit more normal.