Pay Your Kids to Behave

[Valerie S. Johnson]

By Valerie S. Johnson

Not so long ago, if a parent said “because I said so” it was reason enough for a child to behave. Researchers and parenting experts have noticed a somewhat disturbing trend: mom and dad have to offer material rewards if they want results. And the results they are desperately seeking from their kids are basic things such as behaving in public, brushing their teeth, and doing well in school. Simply put, many parents are bribing their kids.

While an appropriate reward system can promote positive behavior, there are unfortunate outcomes to paying off your offspring. Kids develop a sense of entitlement, and they are constantly raising the stakes. An ice cream ain’t what it used to be. You wonder if kids appreciate the expensive rewards that they do receive.

Have parents turned soft? Or is this trend the inevitable result of our increasingly materialistic society? Or are we all taking a “what have you done for me lately?” attitude?

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[kimiko]

Why pay at all when you can just take away privileges? Parents todays seems to forget the meaning of punishment and only understand reward.

[tinapbeana]

i agree with kimiko: there's a difference between rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior. children are people too, and just like everyone else in society there is an expectation of what is appropriate. not meeting that expectation (i.e. bad behavior) = punishment while exceeding the expectation (good behavior) = can result in reward. bribing bad behavior only reinforces the fact that the child will get a reward if they DON"T do what is expected of them... wrong message...

[MonkeyMama]

Agreed.

I remember this when I was a kid though. Friends getting paid to get good grades and such, nothing new. Just getting more extreme I guess.

Sorry for my kids, I am not going to reward them for doing what is expected of them.

[tinapbeana]

yeah, never got paid for good grades either, but heaven forbid a B- made its way home... as a result, i learned that Bs and As were expected behavior (i.e. not rewardable) rather than exceptional behavior (hence deserving a reward). in the long run my folks wouldn't have been able to afford to keep up "good grade" payments for me and my sister anyways, so i guess the lesson worked out the way it should have.

[pretty cheap jewelry]

Positive reinforcement is a very useful tool - Use it for desired behaviours in addition to 'every day' requirements

Punishment is a negative method - Use it for serious offenses such as SAFETY issues

I have had GREAT results with reward 'Charts' - Using 'gifts' for the reward. Wrapped up items like presents.

The age of the child dictates the methods. The rewards can be non-monetary. There are manymanymany sides to this coin.

[cptacek]

I think children will do what is expected of them. If you expect them to do their chores, do their homework, feed the cat, fold the laundry, in short help out when needed and act responsibly, they will. If you teach them to get away with slipping by, doing the minimum, expecting rewards for average behavior and minimal punishment for bad behavior, that is what they will do. Kids are smart. They know how to push your buttons and get what they want. It is the parents' job to enforce the behavior that is acceptable in their house.

The original poster asked "Have parents turned soft?" I think in more and more cases, yes. I also think lots of parents lack confidence and worry that being too harsh on their kids will make them hate them.

[cicy33]

Positive reinforcement is a very useful tool - Use it for desired behaviours in addition to 'every day' requirements

Punishment is a negative method - Use it for serious offenses such as SAFETY issues

I have had GREAT results with reward 'Charts' - Using 'gifts' for the reward. Wrapped up items like presents.

The age of the child dictates the methods. The rewards can be non-monetary. There are manymanymany sides to this coin.

I have repeatedly told my kids to pick up their video game stuff. They do for a while and then here we go again. I grounded them from all video games for a month. I wrote the date on the fridge for them so they can be reminded of it as well! I believe that is punishment and good darn parenting. How exactly would you use "Positive Reinforcement" to make kids pick up incredibly expensive items? and please don't say by giving them a treat if they do it. no way. I believe that kids should take care of their stuff or feel the consequences. No wonder we have so many kids committing crime today. There are no consequences. I personally also believe in spanking when needed. I also noticed an unexpected side effect of grounding them, they are starting to use their imaginations outside again, I heard them the other day making up a game. It was nice! Think there will be more weekends of no video games.

[tinapbeana]

cicy:

if it were me, i'd set it up with a 3 strikes and the *insert gadget here* is out rule
1) if it's not put away, it's gone for a week
2) if it's not put away, it's gone for a month
3) if it's not put away, it's sold and parents are not buying another one. if the kids want it, they can save up and buy their own.

but that's just me with no kids...

[PrincessPerky]

Tina I am with you,

Don't get me wrong I do like positive reinforcement, which is 'good job putting those away!" (though I am not above a bribe..clean up so we have room to play a game/space to eat dinner)

But I also like a clean house, so "do it now or else......" happens and when you are done then you get the positive "great job"

Now my oldest had to be shown the 'or else', my middle kid watched her big bro and learned...my youngest is still deciding what he wants. but I do know of kids who see "good job" and pitch in, or are told how happy mom would be if they helped and pitched in, but..I haven't had one of my own yet .

I have heard many parents with genetic helpers wonder why other parents with genetic anti-socialites have troubles......

because the kid is different.....sorry.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

You don't want to get put in jail do you for spanking your child? Or for telling them to be quiet, that's child abuse! LOL.