my teen daughter and my money!

[FrugalBachelor]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

thanks for all the input!! appreciated immensely

[FrugalBachelor]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

hey im only 37 but....kids are way different today.

I washed dishes in a restaurant for my first car..I bought a plymouth for $700 bux. if i asked my dad to buy me a car he would have laughed until he fell over!! I too worked for what I decided was 'important for me to have'.

I know alot of my frugal bros and sisters can relate as I relate to your predicaments.

[Snoopy2645]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

Well my dad owned a carlot & we still had to work for our own car & I guarantee as much as me & my sister & even my brother were on the phone as teens he knew better than to buy us a cell!! And BTW I am now in a sitution similar to you I have an almost 12 yr old dd from a previous relationship & she wants a cell too I told her she can have one when she gets a job & pays for the thing!! She does get allowance $10 a week & $10 extra if she babysits maybe an idea for your dd. I applaude you if you are paying childsupport & sounds like you are doing the right thing my ex wouldnt pay if my daughters life depended on it!

Oh but hey well tatoes & beer & cigs well thats his priorities oh & a cell for himself even though he dont even work!! SO I would do anything to have a dad who cared about her like it sounds like you care about your dd my ex only wants to make our lives miserable even after 12yrs of being split up!!

[jstanawa]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

First I would like to say I wish I had an ex that was like you. And Snoopy, my ex sounds like yours (think maybe he has 2 families...LOL). Anyway, My 14 year old dd has friends who have it all (think kids of doctors and I am a mear housewife now). I have instilled in my kids they have to earn what they have, there is no free ride in life. Since I am remarried and have 4 children we don't have tons of extra $ a month extra. When dd or her brother (age 12) want things, they must do chores or good deeds for them. Each time they are "caught" doing good I deposit a "reward" into their savings acct. When they do their chores for the week, their "wages" are deposited into their accounts. They know that if they need or want money, that is where it comes from.

I get $200 a month in child support for both of the kids (not much when you consider I am not working). I give each of them $25 out of each out of the 2 monthly payments I get in addition to their "wages". With this money they have to pay for all their clothes, eating out, movies, events, and anything else they think they need. When it's gone, they don't get any $ until the next payday. It has made them live by a budget knowing that if they spend all of their "paycheck" the first day they get it, they won't have any for the rest of the remaining 2 weeks.
Maybe you could work out a similar type of arrangement with your dd or her mother so that she doesn't drain you financially and emotionally.

[PrincessPerky]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

Set limits!

but always remember...she was raised by your ex...with your exes habits..not many teens turn from their parents bad habits..but all rebel in some way..encourage her support her (emotionally, not financially) and relax about what she thinks of you..you can't buy her love...

[Thrifty Ray]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

I will speak from an ex- wife who raised the kids perspective.

My ex was self employed and always pleaded 'broke'. He paid child support but kept going back to court to get it reduced...and at the end, when the kids were in HS (3 of them) he was paying $100 month for all three...(this was just 3-4 years ago).

He felt that he was getting the raw deal because he had to send me money...and it is not too hard to do the math on 3 kids, $100 a month...came to about a dollar a day per. (shame on those courts)

Refused to help with braces and refused to help after they were 18 and attending college.

It would have been appreciated if he had offered to pay for ANYTHING outside of CS, but he never did.

Now, he has money to go on cruises, new cars every two years, spend, spend,spend ....on himself. I guess he wasnt so broke afterall.

Yep, he has a LOT of money...but at the expense of a relationship with his kids.

My point is that it is pretty expensive to raise a child. Child support doesnt always cover 'half' of the expenses...On the other hand, you shouldnt be a 'bank of dad' either.

So, finding a compromise...I really liked the idea of sending a small allowance and helping your DD to learn to budget the money. She may learn to budget, she may not...but you did what you could. Hopefully, as she gets older, she will learn to appreciate you more because youre her dad..and the two of you can have a good relationship.

Dont give up on her....Teens have a way of growing into beautiful young people, sometimes in spite of us parents

[FrugalBachelor]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

Hey, thanks a million for everyone's advice..I read it all and It has helped a great deal.

The mother is very flaky about doing anything we agree on....I cannot stand her even after 14 yrs!! I'm not a hateful person she just was not a nice person and I will never forget that!

yea...daughter is mouthy like her sick mother...when I mentioned I needed to set bounderies daughter said "i hardly know you and now you want to set bounderies...i wouldn't listen to you"...that hurt!

once again..thanks

[Thrifty Ray]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

Frugal Bachelor,

If you have been out of your daughters life for a long time, it will take time to bond again. It is possible she has been somewhat turned against you by mom, especially since you and mom have had bitterness over a number of years.

But you're still her dad. Whether your daughter agrees or even understands at this point- she needs you in her life.

It doesnt sound like it will be easy for you...but you should keep trying.

Be careful about comparing daughter to mom. Daughter may have some of moms tendencies, but she is not her mother.

Eventually, your efforts will pay off. Your daughter will become an adult and possibly a mother herself....and she will THEN understand what a pill she was during her teen years (they all usually do!) and she will thank you for not giving up on her.

[FrugalBachelor]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

thank you thrifty!!!

[vsjhoc]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

If I had lots of liquid $ it wouldn't be an issue.

I have several sets of divorced friends where both parents have ooodles of money. It is never about the cash. It is about control, anger, guilt, etc.

[miclason]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

In a way, she wants to get at you for not being there all these years, by pretending it's all about the money, she's protecting herself from the pain ...but, in a way, she's only looking for reassurance that you love her (see how hard she can push before you give up on her)...lots of kids do that...tell her you love her very much, and that your desire to set boundaries doesn't have anything to do with not loving her or wanting to control her, it's just that you NEED to set boundaries because you are on a budget...
believe me, even if it doesn't look like it, she'll respect you for that and, eventually, she'll grow to love you (my parents were "mean" to me, and now I'm soooo thankful for all those times they said No!)...
I applaud you trying to get involved in your daughter's life...I have to keep sending emails and calling my daughter's father so he'll be semi-in touch with her...He says he doesn't keep in touch because he's ashamed he doesn't help me financially...I always tell him it is NOT about the money... I had a beautiful relationship with my father and, I just feel so bad that my daughter will never have that...

[FrugalBachelor]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

vsjhoc and miclason...thank you, it's gonna be rough seas ahead for me and her...i can see it.

[Ima saver]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

And sad to say, she may never change. My daughter always expected me to bail her out when she needed money. She would take her money to buy clothes, then cry when her power got turned off at home. I helped and I helped. I helped buy cars, house, food, electric, telephone,etc. and finally I said, no more.
She no longer contacts me because I will give no more money!

[PrincessPerky]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

you might find if you are oepn and honest abot your cash availible she might eventually understand mre than a seemingly arbitrary limit..let her in on your own allowance..

OR she might roll her eyes and ignore it..but you get to rest easy knowing you tried.

[dshep]

Re: my teen daughter and my money!

I have three kids.. oldest son is 25 and started working at 15, for all those gap and abercrombie clothes, he wanted and I said no to ( he has since learned to buy normal clothes..lol) second son is 20 and in college, he has also been working summers since he was 15 and he pays for all his own expenses (including books and gas money back and forth from NH) during the college year on the money he makes during the summer.. Mom does send care packages back with him after he has been home, lol.. and last but not least.. my 17 year old daughter who will be a senior this year.. has been working summers since she was 15 (babysitting before that) last Feb she went on a school trip to Italy, she paid for it herself... this summer she has been making installment payments on a trip to London with the school... she also pays for her own gas and any extras she needs. My kids know that there is no money for xtras... and totally appreciate it when I surprise them with "money" to help them out. I scrimped and saved so that I could give my daughter some extra spending money for her Italy trip... want to know what she did with it.. bought me a awesome necklace... she was suppose to spend it on herself....
I would just tell your daughter no, that you cant afford it. Plain and simple. Love can not be bought with Money.... your daughter needs to figure that out.... dont let her put you on any guilt trips!