Who and how?

**kealina** · 06-27-2006, 08:06 PM

Re: Who and how?

i've learned to be cautious about that kind of thing... i don't offer advice unless they ask us about something although we have tried to set an example... we also try not to loan money and we rarely gift money(although we plan to when we're older and more stable) with the exception of SIL's high school graduation... we gave her some small gifts and $200 to help her with coming college cost... no, it's not a lot but her parents are giving her hundreds each month and she's not even saving it diligently for college ... we thought about giving her $500 but decided to start small and see how she treated her money ... if she does well we were thinking about giving her additional money, maybe up to a 1,000 or more.... the sad thing is that i doubt we will be (i know, terrible) because she is a notorious spendthrift... out of everybody in her family she is known as the high maintenence one... MIL even told me "that girls has expensive taste"... funny thing is i don't mind that part... i know lots of people with expensive taste... it's more that 1) she's ungrateful and 2) she spends at least $100 on clothes every month but then talks about how poor she is, and 3)the way she treats her stuff... it would be different if she took care of it... but nope, she wants all the new stuff but once she's got it she loses interest really fast...
oops... i meant to post more about some other people but i've got to get going so i can get the discounted stuff at SAM's... cya all later =)

**lillyb** · 06-28-2006, 05:46 AM

Re: Who and how?

I've never experienced loaning money to help someone that turned out good. Only bitterness. The dh and I have decided if we can't 'gift' someone who is truly in need and wanting to change, then we will not loan it. Too many hard feelings.

And then i get to thinking that if the person in need really WANTS to change then they probably will figure a way out on their own. A 'gift' to them would be a blessing, but they would be seeking to help themselves first.

**Ima saver** · 06-28-2006, 05:50 AM

Re: Who and how?

I agree, Lillyb, you don't mind helping someone who is really trying!! I worked with a gal that slept on the floor everynight so her sons could have the only bed. I used to buy the boys christmas presents cause she could not afford anything.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 06-28-2006, 06:51 AM

Re: Who and how?

The loans I've made to siblings were all good. We knew they'd take a while to pay back. In my family we all know pretty much how to squeeze blood from a turnip, so when sibs needed help they were really at the bottom. They pay back while still barely making it and will sacrifice their own comfort and frivolities to pay back. That is what I would do , too.

Another story: Once, I brokered a personal loan for a woman trying to get across the country to escape her abusive husband. She had to leave quick, while he was under observation in a mental institution. I had nothing to lend at the time, but knew someone who might help. He did help. Unfortunately, we left the situation rather undefined, except to say that it would probably be a long time before the loan could get payed back. But that is not to foreshadow that the situation turned out badly. No, it still turned out well in the end. He got paid back, and ironically a few years later this professional man became homeless (but without much debt, I think) and was living in his vehicle. Guess who was able to give him a room to live in and three meals a day until he got back on his feet? Isn't that cool? Honorable people reciprocate when possible.

**kealina** · 06-28-2006, 05:38 PM

Re: Who and how?

wow joan... it was really great to read your story... sorry guys but this is gonna be long...

for me (i'm still young), the things i've done have mostly been small things that any teenager/college student can do... my best friend in high school was pretty poor. government housing, mom on disability, she ended up working to pay the utility bills, etc... as i've mentioned before we didn't have a lot of money but we were yard sale fiends...one day i ended up seeing a pile of clothes in her size at a yard sale that was cheap and way nicer than most of what i'd seen her wear... when i suggested me buying some for her my mom (who can be generous sometimes) said we might as well buy all of it since it was so cheap... i think we spent maybe $10 or so on a garbage bag full of 20+ pieces of clothing... just regular tops and bottoms although i remember a cute pair of overalls... like any teen girl, she loved having new clothes... although she would spend the night already, after that she started occassionally spending friday night and tagging along on saturday mornings to check out the yard sales... my mom was also one of those moms that cook way too much food all the time so we always ended up sending her home with food... looking back i'm so glad we were each able to share things like that...
I have all sorts of memories where i helped in a little way... as for long-term benefits i don't know how much i did aside from be her friend but she's doing better than she was before, although she's still not doing great... she got married to a nice military guy and they now have 3 young girls so they are on a shoestring but at least they is still young, she's working on her education, and he has good job prospects (he's a computer tech) so i hold out hope for them...

my other friend i met in college...she was sweet, responsible and intelligent... she also was a foreign exchange student from Malaysia.... her affluent uncle sponsered her to come to the US and go to college...she ended up in hawaii because she had some other relatives living here on the island that were willing to help her out... like me, she commuted on the bus and was very budget conscious...because of the restrictions placed on exchange students she couldn't get a job to make money... she gave piano lessons for $10 an hour to help pay for textbooks and food... we found that we had a similar outlook on money and ended up hanging out... after i got to know her a little better and finding that we had similar taste i ended up sharing clothes with her... i lent her whatever clothing she had a need for (fancy dress, etc) and i also passed along clothes that she particularly liked that i wasn't very attached to... i might have kept them and enjoyed them if i hadn't met her but honestly it brought me pleasure to see someone i liked enjoy them even more because she had less clothing than i did and i felt i could always get more at yard sales... i also found out she loves fresh fish and when her and her husband ended up living near my parents for awhile i would arrange for my mom to save her a few of the fish my dad caught most weekends.... it wasn't a hardship for us but she really appreciated it as fresh fish would have been a luxury otherwise... i haven't heard from her since she went back to malaysia but i know she married a nice guy and graduated with her degree so hopefully she's doing well too...

i've done similar things for others but these two stand out as leaving warm memories with me because they required so little to be happy... they weren't demanding, entitled or anything else... they also didn't get all wierd when i tried to help them out, understanding that we were all in a similar boat and that helping each other out was natural...
i know clothes, and even food, aren't a major help (and they're definately not money) but it was something little i could easily do to help and i like to think it at least made them feel good... and in return i know they brought so much to my life that i'm thankful for... i know i wouldn't be the same person without having had them as friends so i'm glad i knew them..... we used to have so much fun together without spending even a dime... i really miss them both... but life goes on.... you graduate, get married, move away... i just wish i could find more people like that to hang out with... lol... don't suppose you guys would consider moving to hawaii? lol, we can take over one of the smaller islands and turn it into a frugal paradise...