Divorced- Need Financial Perspective on Possible Move

[Dahlia]

Hello everyone,
I have a 4.5 year old daughter with my ex-husband. We divorced nearly 2 years ago. He recently bought a large new construction house in a town 40 minutes south from my city. I'm trying to analyze the cost/benefits of moving to that town to be closer to my daughter (disclaimer: I don't like the town and don't want to move).

I have lived in a large metro city for the last 10 years. I purchased my current home 8 years ago for a steal of a deal and it has since appreciated about
$150k. I have a $200k mortgage. I love my place, it is within walking distance to shops, museums, parks and playgrounds. But the school system is poor, and most middle-class families send their kids to one of the numerous private schools around here. I'm ok taking a chance on the public schools, her Dad is NOT and insists she cannot attend public school in the city.

Also- my job is a 15 minutes drive from my house.

Dad does not work, he receives disability and money from rental properties. So he is a stay-at-home dad. His fiance works from home for her families business. For the past year, Dad was living 30 minutes North of my city in an apartment. But has recently become engaged to a very nice woman with 2 children. They decided to buy a house. They found that their money stretches reaaallllyyyy far in the town to the South, and got themselves a 3000 sq ft new build with all the upgrades. This new town has a great school system too. So it was kind of a no-brainer for our daughter to stay at her dad's house Mon-Thursday, go to school 10 minutes away. Then I'll pick her up on Friday after work to spend the weekend with me. I'll drive her to school Monday morning, which means we leave the house at 6:45am to get to school on time.

I also plan to take a long lunch break on a day in mid-week so I can drive to her town after school and take her to dinner, or an after school activity, and then go back to work to make up the lost hours.

She starts school in 2 weeks. She is so excited. Ex-husband just moved into this new house last week.

I'm kinda thinking I'm gonna have to move to that town too, to be a full-part of my daughters life.

So I'm trying to evaluate the cost/benefits side of this idea. Here is where you come in- help me understand the costs of both arguments!

Currently live in a metro city with really great appreciation values. I have a 2400 sq ft townhome that I love. We can walk to food, and activities. My job is 15 mins commute.
BUT my daughter is a 40 minute drive from me. So that is 40 mins to go get her, and 40 mins to go back to my house= 1 hr 20 mins each time I go to her. And I'm thinking I'll be making this drive 3x a week.

OR I could move to this town, and potentially live within a few minutes of my daughter. Her dad would be fine having her less nights a week so she can be at my house. I could be pretty involved in her after school and after activities.

I could buy a larger (than my current) and new house for around $280k.

BUT to get anywhere, even the grocery store- it's a long drive. There is nothing to do in this town, everyone drives to the city to do anything.

And my drive to work would be about 45 minutes each way. So theoretically, I still would miss her school and after activities b/c I would be getting home from work around 7pm.

I really do not want to sell my current city townhouse. The real estate in the city has appreciated so much that I could never afford to buy back into my neighborhood once I sell. So my option is to rent out the house for $3k a month. And risk the damage to walls and cabinets that come with non-owner occupants.

So I'd have my current mortgage at $950/month....plus whatever the mortgage would be in the new town.

UGH. I really want to stay in the city. I feel that my daughter would really appreciate it when she is older (and will probably be begging her dad to take her into the city all the time for events). But I feel really guilty staying in the city.

Should I rent out my city home and just rent in the new town? So I am less invested, but my daughter is so young. I'm looking at 12 years that she'll be in this new town.

And for what its worth- I live with a long-term boyfriend. He is very financially stable and currently pays me rent to live in the house with me. He HATES the idea of moving to this town- but he cannot argue my reason and said he'll do it.

No more children for me!

Thoughts? Opinions? Is there any clear financial reason to stay or go?

[Thrif-t]

Ugh wow, that stinks, I'm so sorry that you are faced with this choice.

For me, I can't even imagine my child not being with me. Can she not stay with you in the city and go to a private school or is it too cost prohibitive?

If not, then I guess I would be moving to my daughter if I couldn't get her with me.

And why is the x allowed to have all the say in the school that your daughter goes to? Don't you, as the Mother get a say?

[Dahlia]

If daughter goes to school in my city, we have to pay for it. I was originally planning to do that (when we were married and living in the city), and had a savings account for her. It had almost $10k in it before the divorce. But I stopped contributing to it and it's been decided it will be used for unexpected or dramatic expenses related to her. We both have access, but neither of us has touched it without discussing it. We used it once, when she needed stitches and had to pay the healthcare deductible.

Anyways, it's pretty impossible to argue for everyone to pay $4-700/month for private school when there is a free one by Dad's house. Dad is refusing to contribute to or even consider private school. So it would be on me to pay it in full, and he would fight me every chance he could- he is a great dad and wants equal access to see her.

I even did initially offer to pay for private school myself if he would move to the city- but his fiancé cannot afford private school for her two children. So moving to the city was not an option.

And dad is unemployed, so he has the freedom to watch her and drive her around that I cant do. During the divorce, It really felt like I was being punished for being successful and responsible by having a job.

At this point, I see my daughter every day. It was a 30 minute drive, but we would each take one of the drives (pickup or drop off) each day. But it was a split day, with her spending the mornings with me, and afternoon and evenings at Dads house. Now school cuts into available time and I'm cutting back to 1x a week so she can be involved in after school stuff. And I'll still keep her Fri-Sunday.

I guess I was just used to having more time together, and her starting school in 2 weeks has me feeling apprehensive that things are going to negatively change.

[riverwed070707]

I can really sympathize with your situation. The reality is this isn't a financial decision. If you couldn't afford to stay in the city post divorce or you couldn't afford private school and had to make a move that's one thing but doesn't sound like that's the case. As someone who is relatively recently divorced and lives a life of co-parenting as well, my initial thoughts are that maintaining a good relationship with her dad and being close with your daughter are going to supersede any benefits of being in the city and close to all the things you like to do.

Just for devils advocate, what is your official custody agreement? Are you primary or 50/50? What's your relationship like with your ex? It doesn't matter what kind of arrangement you previously agreed to verbally about him moving/caring for her/school situation, your decree should state something along the lines of if one parent decides to move a certain distance from their residence at the time the decree was written, they forfeit their custodial rights. Any time a parent moves out of the current school district and/or county the written agreement becomes eligible for renegotiation. These are your rights and hypothetically if this were my situation, I'd be livid my ex would be willing to move to a city that does not create the ideal situation for DD to be with BOTH of her parents. I'd point out that he chose to move away from the city and that his decision shouldn't have to mean turning your life upside down when you were happy with your previous arrangements and then I'd file for sole custody, enroll her in the school of your choice (private or not because he no longer gets a say) and foot the bill which will likely be cheaper than the amount you'd be spending on gas and/or moving.

That said, I get the impression from your posts you maintain a decent relationship with your ex and you even think highly of his girlfriend and taking his daughter away isn't going to be any better for DD in the long run than the predicament he's put you in. And since this is a financial forum and I like to think outside of the box, let me throw a couple considerations at you:

-Real estate is my early retirement plan and it sounds like you've got yourself a hell of an opportunity to rent a place at a great return in a place you love and defer having to make the decision to cash out for good or keep it. You can always move back in if you hate the southern town or you can sell if you end up loving it. Since you already own it, and assuming you have an e-fund, I see very little risk here
-Is there a happy medium between IN town and the southern town? Maybe its a little pricier but it cuts your commute down and gives you more options for things to do while also keeping you a manageable distance from DD?
-What if you lived both places? Get a home in the southern town and Airbnb or short term rental your place in the city when you aren't using it to help cover the expenses. This gives you much more time with your daughter and the feeling of being close while covering some of your expenses and still allowing you and your boyfriend to live the city life when DD is with her dad
-Have you considered talking to your employer about whether they'd let you work remotely, even if its only one or two days a week?

Again super sorry you're in this situation. Hope it all works out!

[Dahlia]

Thank you for the advice. I think you are right...this is not really a financial decision. This is an emotional one.

I've had a night to sleep on things and I feel better and more patient to see how things develop. Everybody gets into their routine and then I think the right decisions will present themselves.

[bennkar]

If I read this right, you're concerned about a 40 min one way trip twice a week (Ok, I re-read. Its 3 times per week). Correct? There are people who commute 40 minutes each way to work five days a week. (In fact I'm one). Not saying commuting is fun, I know its not. But where I live 40 minutes is an average to below average commute time. If you want to keep where you live, and this is your only concern, I simply don't see the problem. In fact the child getting a better school to go to sounds great. Not being able to be with your child sucks, but it sounds like keeping your house would be the best choice overall, at least that's how I see it.

[riverwed070707]

If I read this right, you're concerned about a 40 min one way trip twice a week (Ok, I re-read. Its 3 times per week). Correct? There are people who commute 40 minutes each way to work five days a week. (In fact I'm one). Not saying commuting is fun, I know its not. But where I live 40 minutes is an average to below average commute time. If you want to keep where you live, and this is your only concern, I simply don't see the problem. In fact the child getting a better school to go to sounds great. Not being able to be with your child sucks, but it sounds like keeping your house would be the best choice overall, at least that's how I see it.

It’s one thing when that’s your daily drive to work and once you’re home you’re near your child. It’s another when there are conferences and school plays and soccer practice and sporting events and that’s your drive just to be able to be present and you still have to commute 40 minutes home and on nights when her daughter stays with her to actually commute 80 minutes to get her to school and yourself to work Monday morning seems like it would cause some serious burn out pretty quickly. When I divorced, my first place was about 30 min from my ex with her school being near his house and my work being halfway in between and I couldn’t do it. I was skipping out on time with my daughter because the commute was so draining (ie dropping her off at his house the night before instead of in the am to make it easier for us both to be on time in the morning) and it sucked. When my lease was up and I was ready to buy I moved closer and we open enrolled her to a better school half way between us and it’s been such a weight lifted.

[TexasHusker]

Do what you need to do to stay near your child, even if you have to live in a trailer house.

[disneysteve]

It’s one thing when that’s your daily drive to work and once you’re home you’re near your child. It’s another when there are conferences and school plays and soccer practice and sporting events and that’s your drive just to be able to be present and you still have to commute 40 minutes home and on nights when her daughter stays with her to actually commute 80 minutes to get her to school and yourself to work Monday morning seems like it would cause some serious burn out pretty quickly.

When I first read this thread, my thought was that it's not a big deal that he's moving from 30 minutes away to 40 minutes away. Is an extra 10 minutes really that big a deal? But the more I thought about it, the more I agree with what riverwed posted. An 80-minute round trip is a big deal. So is a 60-minute trip for that matter.

If you want to be an active part of her life, you need to be close enough to do that. It's not a financial decision at all. It has financial implications obviously, but it isn't a financial decision.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I wouldn't be able to give up my kiddo. I'd move and deal with the commute. It sounds like you'd have 50/50 custody by moving with better schools.

I'm sorry but my kids and schools come before having fun in the city. Sure it's nice to go walk to restaurants, shops, museums, etc but seriously? How much do are you going to utilize it?

I'm being absolutely serious? Do you shop everyday? Do you eat out every day? Do you go to a museum every weekend?

I say that because I have friends who live in the city and pay for private school because they like the city. They commute 30 minutes to their jobs outside the city but want to live in the city. MOST people would live by their work (where there are superior public schools) and not commute 30 minutes and not pay for private school. But they can afford private school, nanny, etc. Personally I live where they work and they admit they just like the weekends where they can walk to stuff in the city. But I don't work and my DH has the same job as the both the husband and the wife. So our compromise is our two same age kiddos go to public school instead of $25k/year private for 2 kids and no nanny/daycare to boot. And our house is nicer. The wife got DH his current job and she's since moved on.

That being said it's about choices. But I wouldn't choose to be without my kid. I'd live closer to them and make every sacrifice. I guess it depends on your custody agreement. But if I had a chance for 50/50 custody and more time by living closer and knowing my kid is in good school I'd take it.

FWIW I'd rent out your place and rent a place so you can adjust and see if you can handle it. Maybe you can't. Maybe the city and commute is more important. Maybe you can because seeing the kid is more important. I don't know but you can always do it risk free by signing a rental and renting your place out for 1 year.