In a relationship does it matter who makes more?

[QuarterMillionMan]

Most men must feel obligated to make more. What happens if the woman somewhere later in the relationship makes more? As for women does it matter if he is El Chapo? What about LGBTQ+ relationships? As a single man this is irrelevant for me but curious how people in relationships deal with this. And does the one who makes more handle the finances? If I were in a relationship and I made less, I would not give 100% control my spouse. A lot of guys I know give their spouse full control of their finances which bogles my mind.

[disneysteve]

I’ve always made considerably more than my wife. It’s never been an issue. If she made more, that would be just fine with me.

I manage the finances but that isn’t because I make more. It’s because I enjoy it and I’m quite good at it and she doesn’t enjoy it and isn’t nearly as good at it.

[Drake3287]

Wouldn't bother me in the least. I think the days of husbands feeling bad about wife's making more ended years ago for the most part.

[kork13]

I think it depends alot on how a couple manages their finances. The "his/hers/ours" dynamic where finances are mostly separate except for some shared household expenses could probably create an unhealthy dynamic if there's a big disparity in earning (in either direction). The "household CFO" model where one spouse earns the money & the other controls it could have a similar dynamic, depending on the each person's level of influence on money decisions. Where it could become problematic is just when one's ego gets wrapped up in your income -- one person can feel undervalued/otherwise if the spouse earns more than they do... Which I think is mostly what you're talking about here. I wouldn't say that any manner of it is necessarily wrong, and it's naturally-ingrained in most men to feel driven to provide for his family. It's just one of many other dynamics in a relationship to understand and work through together.

FWIW ... I've always made more than DW so far (married almost 10 years), but I expect that may change within the next handful of years once I retire from the military. Plan is for her to still be working for many years as a newly-minted PT doc, very easily earning almost double my pension .... and I couldn't be happier for her. She wants to be a sugar momma while I play the SAHD role? SOLD!! We've always treated all of our combined income as a family resource, so I've never worried whether it's coming from her work or mine. In fairness, I may never have really asked this specific question to DW ... but she's never expressed nor have I ever detected any sense of inferiority based on income. We're partners, and between us we get things done, sharing the load as needed & according to our abilities ... we've got what we need, we're good.

[myrdale]

It's even more interesting when the kids make more than the parents.

My friend who is an assistant manager at a parts store is at $15/hr. Her daughter just started at McDonalds flipping burgers for $20/hr.

During my summers between college courses I was working +60 hours at a lumber mill and out earning my mother who was an LPN at the time.

[kork13]

It's even more interesting when the kids make more than the parents.

I know what you mean .... I can't say for certain, but I'm fairly confident that for at least the last 6+ years, I've solidly out-earned my father. What's more, he retired about 2 years ago, and we discussed his retirement finances somewhat regularly around that time as he built his plan. He was (reasonably so) quite proud that he'd amassed over $1M in his TSP account, which with his federal pension, sets him up fairly well. But occasionally my own finances came up, and he seemed surprised to learn of where I was at financially, and what I'm aiming for, and I always felt a bit awkward about it when it came up. I think he'd be quite shocked to discover that our NW has now climbed above $2M, but not something that I'm intent to volunteer to him. I know that he's proud of my success, in his way, but I think it also makes him feel regret that his own military career got cut short by the post-Desert Storm RIFs.

[ua_guy]

My husband and I pool our money and pay expenses out of a joint account. We also have a combined savings. We manage our retirement savings separately, as a function of who our employers contract with for those services but we discuss our investments and it's all open-book. We both have our own little pots of money on the side which are considered part of our joint savings, but it's a no-questions asked kind of thing. As long as all of our obligations are being met, that money is free to be used however we like.

In recent years his career has really taken off. We've gone from splitting expenses mostly equally for the first 10+ years - things like a mortgage, utilities, other joint expenses, which was really unfair to me given what I made in comparison, but it was a point of pride to contribute equally. To now, it's more along the lines of "percentage based on income" But that's not calculated to an exact number. And that's at his encouragement, and it's been hard for me to do. I've been raised to pull on my own bootstraps and always provide for myself plus some. Within my own family and circle of friends I never want to be thought of as someone who is kept. The more I open up about it, the more I seem to find that highly successful marriages/partnerships often include pooling resources, and in the end, it's about managing it all in financially prudent ways, no matter who makes what.

Together, we've long outpaced what my parents made during their highest years. My husband's father retired making about $40k/year in the mid-late 2000's, about what a $20/hr employee at McDonalds now makes. It's easy to see one reason why so many people rage against such relatively high minimum wage. Spend 30+ years on the railroad to make an ending/high wage of just over $20/hr or roll out of bed in your parents' basement to go flip burgers for the same money nowadays.

Neither set of parents have any idea what we make and assume we are leveraged/financed to the hilt. It's actually better that way. They also have no idea how we manage our finances, although, much of it we learned from them.

[srblanco7]

I manage our family finances but it's not because I've always made more, it's more that I enjoy it. DW and I review our overall financial "well-being" a couple of times per year and over the years we've found the appropriate "balance" between our personality traits - me as a "saver" and her as a "spender". Will need to develop a plan to get her some help with managing our investment accounts if I'm first to go.

I've been pretty fortunate with my career and can definitively say that I have made more than my parents (and in-laws). And, I'd be absolutely thrilled if my kids someday made more than me.

[bjl584]

I guess it shouldn't, but I can see how some people might have an issue with someone making more money than they do.

[disneysteve]

I guess it shouldn't, but I can see how some people might have an issue with someone making more money than they do.

In almost every couple, one partner will make more than the other. The odds of both earning exactly the same are very slim unless they happen to have identical government jobs. I just don’t get anyone being upset because they happen to be the lower earning half of the team.

[jenn_jenn]

I think it only matters in terms of how each couple approaches it as a team.

Who earns more hasn’t impacted how we manage our finances now that we are married because it is all “our money” but has definitely has impacted other areas of our lives.

For example, I am the lower earning spouse so we have chosen to prioritize my husband’s career over my own. This can be a hard at times because it dictates where we live and negatively impacts my own career opportunities. I’m also the default spouse for anything related to the home or general life management activities - which does take away focus from my job at times and climbing the corporate ladder. With that said, we both benefit by his success and we’ve made these decisions together.

I do feel a tendency for him to undervalue my financial contributions to the team and my own job since he out earns me by so much. Often times he says things with the best of intentions - like if I have a rough day at the office and his immediate response is that I shouldn’t deal with this stress and should just quit because “we don’t need me to work.” But as someone who has worked very hard to get where I am, it can feel dismissive. However, I don’t hesitate to remind him that I’m not exactly a low earner when he lets the ego get the best of him and he tries to take sole credit for things.

At the end of the day, we’re playing for the same team. My husband would be thrilled if I earned more than him, it just works out that I don’t and likely never will.

[ua_guy]

I think it only matters in terms of how each couple approaches it as a team.

Who earns more hasn’t impacted how we manage our finances now that we are married because it is all “our money” but has definitely has impacted other areas of our lives.

For example, I am the lower earning spouse so we have chosen to prioritize my husband’s career over my own. This can be a hard at times because it dictates where we live and negatively impacts my own career opportunities. I’m also the default spouse for anything related to the home or general life management activities - which does take away focus from my job at times and climbing the corporate ladder. With that said, we both benefit by his success and we’ve made these decisions together.

I do feel a tendency for him to undervalue my financial contributions to the team and my own job since he out earns me by so much. Often times he says things with the best of intentions - like if I have a rough day at the office and his immediate response is that I shouldn’t deal with this stress and should just quit because “we don’t need me to work.” But as someone who has worked very hard to get where I am, it can feel dismissive. However, I don’t hesitate to remind him that I’m not exactly a low earner when he lets the ego get the best of him and he tries to take sole credit for things.

At the end of the day, we’re playing for the same team. My husband would be thrilled if I earned more than him, it just works out that I don’t and likely never will.

I think your example is spot-on how these things often play out. One person's career usually has to come first, be it for income or stability. When a career comes first because of income, that usually dictates where home is, and it limits opportunities for the other spouse.

My husband and I are in a particularly interesting situation right now. Both of us work remotely and his employer doesn't care where we live, but mine does. We've decided now would be a good time to move somewhere else, except I will likely have to quit my job if we do. This is a pretty good job for me, but I don't necessarily want to stay here--because he's not going to be happy here, and that's hard for me to live with. I also see what an opportune time it is to sell a home in this particular area, so there's a strong incentive. But.. stay and be damned, or go and be damned. He expressed frustration with me today over having pretty strong reservations and going back and forth on the decision. That kicked off some pretty strong words about the impossible situation I'm facing. If it was his job, this wouldn't be a question. It's mine that always gets thrown under the bus.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I think your example is spot-on how these things often play out. One person's career usually has to come first, be it for income or stability. When a career comes first because of income, that usually dictates where home is, and it limits opportunities for the other spouse.

My husband and I are in a particularly interesting situation right now. Both of us work remotely and his employer doesn't care where we live, but mine does. We've decided now would be a good time to move somewhere else, except I will likely have to quit my job if we do. This is a pretty good job for me, but I don't necessarily want to stay here--because he's not going to be happy here, and that's hard for me to live with. I also see what an opportune time it is to sell a home in this particular area, so there's a strong incentive. But.. stay and be damned, or go and be damned. He expressed frustration with me today over having pretty strong reservations and going back and forth on the decision. That kicked off some pretty strong words about the impossible situation I'm facing. If it was his job, this wouldn't be a question. It's mine that always gets thrown under the bus.

It starts really early honestly in any relationship. It started after graduate school for me. In fact I found this board in 2006 when I was unhappy about moving for DH's job and leaving grad school after 2 years and switching schools and starting my phd again. We chose to prioritize his career from that point because of my decision to go with him. It shot me back and it made it impossible. Unfortunately his graduate work was more financially advantagous and stable out of the two of us and we knew it. We also knew we would have kids and again i'd be kicked down the ladder of the career track. So it was a combination of things. I went to an equally notable school as him and we both got phds. But he went on and got an mba and again it made him more marketable unfortunately. I have the bigger name ivy degree and 'top' credentials but it make peanuts.

But then again 10 years later I pushed us to move and he agreed to the detriment of his job and career. He took a risk and it paid off in spades for us though so perhaps it wasn't the worst thing to follow what I wanted to do. But moving to where i wanted to be happy again weighted the scale that meant he worked harder and I did more with the kids and house to career detriment. Now almost 20 years later no way no how can I ever catch up. There is no career path or job that I can do that can make what he makes so it controls our life.

But then again my DH doesn't do anything but work and so i guess that puts me in the driver's seat for most of our decisions about everything and anything including his work in someways. I'm the one deciding what house, car, vacations, bills, investments, etc. I mentioned the options question, he literally came home and said i got some here. If it's anything but work he just hands it to me, cars, insurance, health, etc. I think it's not usually like this for people who don't earn the majority of the income, we seem to be a bit backwards. But part of it stems from him not being from the US and me doing everything financial from our early years with CC, investments, mortgage, etc and doing all the paperwork.

[riverwed070707]

Woman in the relationship here. I've had 2 long term relationships and always been the breadwinner. At present I make nearly 3x my spouse. I also have always managed the bills and investments - I'm not sure that was ever a conscious decision because I was the breadwinner or if its just because I'm more interested in finance. Either way, I think generally the mentality of men have to provide for the household is antiquated and I'd never be in a long term partnership with someone who felt our earnings were a competition.