How to ask new partner about their financial savings?

**Drake3287** · 03-21-2017, 12:57 PM

It's not surprising he has no money left after two divorce's. He's actually doing pretty good considering everything he's done and is still able to put 10% into a 401K.

You do realize a future marriage to this guy is a recipe for disaster don't you? The odd's of this working out long term are very low. I just hope your prepared to protect or possibly lose your own financial security over it.

Sorry, but you did ask for advice.

**Dahlia** · 03-21-2017, 01:48 PM

Thanks Drake,
LOL- I realize the risks of being in a relationship with him. But I truly think there were some outstanding factors that contributed to his divorces. I don't want to say to much and run the possibility of getting identified

Actually I find it encouraging that you say he is doing ok given the divorces. He makes a lot of money (and works a lot of hours for it), but he is so generous with his funds, that it becomes easy for him to become a fallback for family members to rely on him to provide. They become reliant on him.

I still want to get a clear organized picture of his finances though. He has sent me several months worth of budgets that he created - but it just lists income, and debts.

My finances are pretty solid. I have a high net worth and minimal debt. Therefore, I feel bad asking to see his entire net worth picture- I think he will feel bad. I just want to motivate him to pay himself a portion of his paycheck- rather than taking on financial needs of others.

**rennigade** · 03-21-2017, 02:01 PM

3rd times a charm...or so they say, lol.

Seriously though...let him do his thing. it doesnt matter. No need to get married. In a couple years he'll be gone.

Not to mention you didnt say how much you had saved, your debts, etc? We're only getting one side of the financial picture.

**TexasHusker** · 03-21-2017, 02:04 PM

If I was a woman, I would never marry a man who expected to have me without the vow of marriage. Then again, I would never consider marrying a woman who would offer me such.

So the two of you sound perfect for each other. Good luck!

**disneysteve** · 03-21-2017, 02:08 PM

Originally posted by Dahlia View Post

I feel bad asking to see his entire net worth picture- I think he will feel bad.

There are a lot of red flags in your comments.

My wife and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer and someone who is newly married recently asked me what the secret of a successful marriage is. I said that the number one thing is COMMUNICATION. If you "feel bad" about asking him about something as vitally important as his finances or he "feels bad" about his situation compared to yours, that's a huge problem that will poison your relationship. Your lives both need to be open books, figuratively and literally. He's bringing a lot of baggage into this relationship. You need to know what you are signing on for upfront.

he is so generous with his funds, that it becomes easy for him to become a fallback for family members to rely on him to provide. They become reliant on him.

This is another big problem. It sounds like this is still an ongoing issue. You both need to get on the same page with this and work together to put a stop to it. Suze Orman is fond of saying you need to learn to say No out of love instead of Yes out of fear (or guilt). A 42-yo guy with zero savings is way, way behind in providing for himself and his new partner (you). You guys need to circle the wagons and protect the homestead, not have him writing checks to friends and family to "help" them (enable them more likely).

Putting 10% to the 401k is a great first step but at 42, he needs to be doing a lot more than that. You mention him paying off debt but only mention the car payment. Is there more debt than that?

Lots of questions here that need answering. You guys need to schedule a "financial date" (that's what my wife and I call them) where you sit down together, maybe have a couple of glasses of wine, and lay everything out: income, savings, debt, retirement balances, etc. You also need to talk about goals and priorities going forward. Do you share the same wants and desires for the future? Are you both willing to work together to get there?

Good luck.

**disneysteve** · 03-21-2017, 02:12 PM

Originally posted by TexasHusker View Post

If I was a woman, I would never marry a man who expected to have me without the vow of marriage.

Aside from the financial stuff, one thing that jumped out at me in your first post, Dahlia, is that the two of you have been together for 1.5 years but he just got divorced a few months ago. So for most of your relationship, he was a married man. Keep that in mind.

**Dahlia** · 03-21-2017, 02:40 PM

Thank you guys,
I would have the same concerns you are all raising. In fact I regularly wonder if I'm dumb and headed for a fall, or if he & I are in fact a compliment for one another.

I am recently divorced myself (DisneySteve will catch onto that) and I'll be posting my own questions and stuff about my own journey- it seems like every financial topic is a story.

But basically I've been tracking my net worth for years and I am financially conservative. Ok- not to the level on this site though. I will slowly tighten up to get to the savingsadvice level of conservative.

I have $1.123 in assets (including my home) and $324 in debt (divorce lump sums and mortgage), leaving me with almost $800k net worth. -I had an inheritance 10 yrs ago. I also work and earn around $50k annually.

BF was earning around $60k /year up until 2yrs ago. Then he got a doctorate degree (not medical) (no student loans- used his employer and cash to pay for it)and was able to adjunct at colleges. He earned 100k in 2015, and $140k in 2016.

But his house is about $10k underwater after realtor commissions, he owns 2 cars (beater paid off, and mid-luxury car just paid off last month). His ex wife and her adult children live in his house right now while they have a new house being built. Expected completion sometime June-September.

He lives in my house and pays me rent. And he pays his own mortgage and house expenses. He's straddling the two houses until they move out and he can put it on the market. He is expecting to have to come to the table with about $10k.

We could critique that his family should take over expenses and all that...but he's worked out the deal in the divorce, this arrangement gives him peace of mind knowing the ex and kids got a solid length of time to prepare.

He's actually relieved and the divorce has lightened his financial load. He no longer has family medical insurance, obligated to pays car insurance for everyone, cell phone plans...ext.

So he is working as much as he can to pay bill after bill and have a clean slate. He is very proud of his debt payoffs and tells me about how much he is paying off. He has paid off a house remodel, 2 cars, lasik surgery, and I'm not sure what else went onto the CCs before I was in the picture. But he never mentions saving anything.

Which leads me to wonder how to bring up the question : "Dude, can I look at your bank accounts? Are you saving any of this money, how do you expect to retire, what is your long term plan?"

**AJ444** · 03-21-2017, 03:13 PM

Be direct and ask him the questions you want to ask, the sooner you can have the conversation the better. Just rip the band aide off and do it, if he is evasive that is a huge red flag.

Life is complicated, some people that haven't been divorced will act all high and mighty to those that have. All that matters is you are happy and get on the right path now. Consider a prenup though if you do get married since you have a lot and him not so much.

**Petunia 100** · 03-21-2017, 03:19 PM

Originally posted by Dahlia View Post

I think he is embarrassed to have no savings. How can I bring up this subject to make sure he takes care of himself?
I love him, I want to spend my life with him. I just want to help him rebuild.

Don't allow his finances to become your problem. You've encouraged good behavior (contributing to his 401k) and you've possibly opened his eyes about the subject. It's up to him what he wants to do from here.

Take it s-l-o-w. You're both just coming out of a divorce. You should be in no hurry at all to make another legal commitment.

Split expenses, talk about financial topics, but keep things separate. That's my advice. Best of luck to you.

**Petunia 100** · 03-21-2017, 03:22 PM

Originally posted by TexasHusker View Post

If I was a woman, I would never marry a man who expected to have me without the vow of marriage. Then again, I would never consider marrying a woman who would offer me such.

So the two of you sound perfect for each other. Good luck!

Yeah, most women don't marry men who don't want to take a vow of marriage. In my opinion, that is a sound course of action.

**Dahlia** · 03-21-2017, 03:30 PM

Thank you everyone,
We have no plans to marry, and I don't really see a point to get married at the moment. I am getting the cow for free

And yes, we are both committed to keeping our finances SEPERATE. He learned the hard way with wife #1 and then kept his banking, bills, everything separate with wife #2. He and her worked out a way to split the bills that they felt was fair, and it never caused a problem.

I joined most everything in my marriage and it was awful. If I had kept everything separate- I think my marriage would have lasted longer. Lack of control over my finances created high anxiety in me.

But as I type, I realize that the savings and long term game plan is the only part of his financials that I don't know. He's totally open with me, and wants my opinion. He also wants my approval. He would tell me if I asked in a respectful and caring way.

I will sit down with him, pour some drinks, and help him come up with a long term plan that maximizes what he can do. Managing a month to month budget shows that he likes the organization, and it motivates him.

**disneysteve** · 03-21-2017, 04:23 PM

If the plan is to stay single and keep finances separate, I think that changes the story somewhat. In that case, your business is your business and his business is his business. And I don't mean that in any negative way. It's just that knowing every intimate detail of his finances (and he of yours) isn't as important because you aren't taking on responsibility for his decisions and habits.

You do both need to agree on how everything will be split as far as expenses are concerned, but I'm not sure how far you need to go beyond that. And obviously there's no need for a pre-nup if you won't be getting married.

Of course, if he wants to share his info with you and solicits your input to improve his situation, it's fine for you guys to discuss that. But that's entirely up to him.

**PeggyHefferon** · 03-21-2017, 04:44 PM

Based on what I have read, I can't help but suspect you two were seeing each other while already married? If so, were you both at least separated before you started your relationship?

This situation has disaster written all over it.

**Dahlia** · 03-21-2017, 04:50 PM

ok, seems like all I can do is keep encouraging him and give advice as it's solicited. So far we have worked out a financial plan between the two of us that we feel comfortable.

I want to get him financially strong, but I'm seeing that it's not really my place so early in the relationship. I need to be patient and let him recover from the divorce and watch how he makes decisions afterward.

How to ask new partner about their financial savings?