A friend's wedding: What would you do?

[ua_guy]

I have a friend from high school, we were "best friends" for those years (24 years ago) and kept in touch the first two years of college or so. But we really grew apart and for many years we texted each other on birthdays or thereabouts to say hi and catch up on any big events. He's been seeing the same woman for a while now, 6 or 7 years? I met her briefly, once, at his step-father's funeral which was held locally about 6 years ago. I talked to him more often that year but then things trailed off again.

A few days ago I got a text message from him that said he is getting married, finally, and I should check my mailbox for a "save the date" card. The date is this summer, and it's being held over my birthday weekend and I had already made travel plans.

I'm starting a new job and won't have much PTO saved up. I will need to fly across the country (fly all day Friday, wedding on Saturday, fly home on Sunday). It's in Manhattan, so this will not be a cheap adventure between rides, hotels, flights, etc. I'm a tall guy and have knee issues as of late; I literally cannot fly coach anymore. I have to be able to stretch my legs out!!

I'm torn. Do I spend the ~$2k for a couple hours of wedding, plus gifts, just to be there for an old friend? I'm leaning no but grappling with the fact that might make me a horrible person.

When I got married, I told people I was getting married and went to the courthouse with my partner's best friend and my parents as witnesses and it was done. Everyone wanted to know if we were doing a reception or something, anything? No. For exactly this reason--and, my partner and I both hate weddings.

What say you?

[rennigade]

Just say you can't make it and that you made prior arrangements. Simple as that. And, since it's not costing you $2k to go, send him $500 or something along those lines. Seems like a bargain to me.

Edit:. No need to explain you have other plans. Just say no to RSVP and include check or send them a gift.

[jenn_jenn]

I would do the pre-planned travel and send a gift and card to the happy couple. If you didn’t already have travel plans, I would say go to the wedding. You never get a chance to make new old friends but in this case you already had plans and you’re not that close anymore. You’d probably only get a few minutes with them anyway because that’s just how weddings go and the couple will be pre-occupied with attending to all of their guests.

I say this as someone who had their wedding last summer (and had to make some seriously hard decisions when we were forced to cut our guest list due to covid, high school bestie that I only see once every couple of years did not make the cut…) and as someone that has spent way too much money going to other people’s weddings because I very much value and honor friendships old and new.

Good luck with your decision!

[disneysteve]

I vote to not go for all the reasons you've given. And it's really unreasonable for anyone to expect people to travel across the country and spend thousands to attend their wedding. If he's upset about that, it says more about him than about you or anyone else in a similar situation. Send a nice gift. Call him and wish him the best. And if you find yourself on the east coast (or he on the west coast), make a point of getting together to catch up.

[ua_guy]

Thanks for the replies so far. I don't think there is a great answer here. I remember our friendship fondly and want nothing but the best for him and his wife and wish I could be there and do it all, if money/time were no object. Where there isn't a clear answer and it means potentially letting someone down, that's where I struggle.

[disneysteve]

Thanks for the replies so far. I don't think there is a great answer here. I remember our friendship fondly and want nothing but the best for him and his wife and wish I could be there and do it all, if money/time were no object. Where there isn't a clear answer and it means potentially letting someone down, that's where I struggle.

Sure, if money and time were no object, I'd tell you to go, but when is that ever the case? Money and time are always issues. You've got a new job, limited time off, pre-existing plans, and it would cost you a small fortune to be there. If he's such a good friend, he should totally understand all of that.

In some ways, this isn't dissimilar to folks that have destination weddings and then get upset when only 10 people show up. As much as your guests might love to join you in Jamaica, it's just not something most people can up and do.

[mumof2]

Thanks for the replies so far. I don't think there is a great answer here. I remember our friendship fondly and want nothing but the best for him and his wife and wish I could be there and do it all, if money/time were no object. Where there isn't a clear answer and it means potentially letting someone down, that's where I struggle.

You already have plans for your b-day...call or email him and say how you would love to be there but you already have plans for that weekend as it is your birthday...but would love to catch up some other time and send them a gift or some cash (depending on what they want)....if he is a true friend he will understand....lets face it you won't be letting anyone down..believe me they will be on their wedding day and won't have much time for you anyway...and you will be spending a couple thousand to be at a wedding where you probably won't know anyone else...or you can go on your birthday weekend as you have planned and have a great time...whatever you choose I hope you have a great time

[kork13]

Agree with the others. Call & talk to him, express your earnest congratulations, and send them a gift of whatever you feel would be meaningful for them. But just RSVP that you're unfortunately unavailable that weekend, and maybe see what you can do to arrange a visit at another time. An invitation isn't an obligation, and you're both grown adults with your own lives. It's a big weekend for him, and that's great, but you unfortunately just aren't able to be there. They'll survive .... worst case, your absence offends him deeply and he cuts off all ties and communications with you. Impact on your life? Almost zero, besides not hearing from this friend a few times a year. And the likely result only improves from there.

[CryptoSandra]

I agree with the other comments too. Keep in touch and make a time to meet up somewhere in the future - and then you will spend way more quality time together than at the wedding ... because weddings are a big whirlwind for the couple and it's over before they've even spent 15 mins chatting to each person.

[bjl584]

I like the idea of a long phone call congratulating your friend, explaining that you already have plans, and then laying the groundwork to meet up sometime in the future.
Sending a nice cash gift or buying something from the registry would be a nice gesture.

[myrdale]

If the wedding occurred in your home town, on a day you had no other plans and you would attend, would you be willing to write him a $2k check as a wedding present?

If not, then what is the difference?

[Drake3287]

Yep, agree with the others. I think most of us realize that somethings such as travel can't be easily changed. All you can do is explain it, send a gift and move on. Pretty much all of us here have similar friends from High School which we try to hold onto but it can be difficult because of everyones changing lives. Sounds like you're a good rein though.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

yep i am missing a friend's daughter bat mitzvah in June 2022. My DK1 and hers met as babies. We still talk weekly and have even before the pandemic. We're close obviously for 12 years and distance makes us cross country "pen pals". But I have to see my parents this summer and that time close to 4th of july is perfect to see the parents. I have other family obligations later in the summer with a wedding which is when normally go see the parents. So it's a struggle. Compounding it is another bat mitzvah we are going to in Feb 2023 same city. So we are going less than a year late, but it's winter. I'd prefer summer. I'm going to send $100 and say congrats.

FWIW the mom and I have a weekly standing chat to just connect and we are chatting tomorrow so I would love to go and see her. The feb 2023 we also have a standing text chat and the kids chat so it's ughh.