Is it okay to charge money for a party?

[disneysteve]

What if they arrive and don't pony up the money?

I'd be shocked if any of our friends did that. If it happened, though, I'd be fine with them paying us later. I trust my friends to do the right thing.

[Nutria]

I'd be shocked if any of our friends did that.

Note the critical difference in tone (which as you know is very important in social interaction) between:

• have everyone chip in $10 to cover costs, and
• announced that this year (you) will be charging a fee

[97guns]

I just find it really cheesy, I would never throw a party and tell my guests that this year I have to charge you to come, if i couldnt outright afford it i would just opt out of throwing it if it became a yearly thing and for the record none of my friends would do that either

[FLA]

Note the critical difference in tone (which as you know is very important in social interaction) between:

• have everyone chip in $10 to cover costs, and
  

If this gets your knickers in a twist with good friends, you have a very stringent POV of what constitutes a friend.

[james.hendrickson]

Just don't go to party if you are concerned about the etiquette.

[Snydley]

I agree with DisneySteve that there is no difference between asking someone to bring something to a party and asking them to chip in $$.

My take on it is the vast majority of the time, when inviting people to your home, you should not ask them to bring or pay anything. It is rude. You should be fully willing to cover the costs if you are inviting someone to your home. That said, it's rude to show up to someone's house with nothing at all- you should bring something, a dessert, a bottle of wine, etc.

Now let's say a bunch of friends decide together that all want to get together for say, the Super Bowl, I can see the discussion being "what house should it be at" and "should we do pot luck or catering".

My cousin and I take turns hosting for Thanksgiving, and his wife, on their year, sent out an email with blanks where we were supposed to fill in what we would bring, with their names next to "turkey" and "soda/water". I thought this was crazy rude!

[disneysteve]

I agree with DisneySteve that there is no difference between asking someone to bring something to a party and asking them to chip in $$.

My take on it is the vast majority of the time, when inviting people to your home, you should not ask them to bring or pay anything. It is rude.

It's interesting that you agree with me first but then disagreed in the very next sentence.

I see nothing at all wrong with having people bring food.
I see nothing at all wrong with having people chip in money.

We've been to plenty of each type of party. On Sunday, we'll be at a Super Bowl party where everyone will bring food. I don't recall the last time where we went to a party where we all put in money but we're kind of past that stage of our lives. Those were more common when we were all young and broke.

[bennkar]

I have been away from here for a bit, and just saw this. I have to say I agree with DS on this. There may be extenuating circumstances, but if the person is providing the house, dishes, etc... and wants everyone to pay a minimal amount for food, and the amount covers a little more than the food, why not go that route? Not saying I have gone to a party like that, nor would I set one up that way, but... I can see the rationale to do it that way. For those that complain, why don't they offer to have the party at their house and setup the rules as they want instead?

[Snydley]

Maybe it's splitting hairs a bit, but I don't think you should blatantly ask people to bring stuff if it's solely your idea to have the party at your place. If I was hosting a big Super Bowl party or summer BBQ, I might say something like "if you'd like to bring an appetizer or something to drink that would be great but not required/expected". If it's a smaller party (under 8-10) I wouldn't mention bringing anything. Good friends (good people) ask what they can bring or know to show up with a bottle of wine or something similar. Occasionally someone has a crazy busy week and forgets and shows up with nothing and that is ok.

I've dealt with this a few times with relatives (as I mentioned in my last post) and a close friend from the past (we aren't friends anymore). This friend was having a BBQ and said to me, "could you bring meat and something to drink? We're asking everyone to bring something". Um, no, don't tell me what to buy for YOUR party. Don't tell me to buy anything. Plus we were thinking of taking public transport with a 2 year old and now I'm supposed to bring all that stuff? Forget it.

Another example- my cousin's wife was hosting a BBQ and sent out food assignments via email. I got "alcoholic drinks and soda". WTF? For the whole party! ...and some other person got assigned baked beans! Talk about a cost difference! I know these are more extreme examples but I think being a good host means you plan to cover the entire cost of the party that was your idea.

[disneysteve]

Maybe it's splitting hairs a bit, but I don't think you should blatantly ask people to bring stuff if it's solely your idea to have the party at your place. If I was hosting a big Super Bowl party or summer BBQ, I might say something like "if you'd like to bring an appetizer or something to drink that would be great but not required/expected".

I understand. For the parties that I'm referring to, like the one we'll go to on Sunday or the one we went to for New Year's Eve, everyone understands and expects that they are to bring food. That's just how we do it. It isn't the hosts rudely demanding it. It's just a group of people that have been having these parties for years and this is the routine. We all are perfectly fine with it. That's why we circulate the email list for everyone to check in with what they're bringing. It is a non-issue.

[ua_guy]

Asking people to pay a fee would be uncommon, if not downright tacky.

I got a superbowl invite this year. The guy said he'll supply boxed wine, with a paragraph below it that got wordy and rant-ish, reminding people it's not okay to get "****-faced drunk" at his house. He wasn't kidding.

Many of the folks on the invite list are mid 30's to 50's professionals who I know don't get sloppy at gatherings (including myself), some of them making very good money, who may also be skeptical of the boxed punch-du-jour. Maybe that's just an encouragement to BYOB.

I think I'll order a pizza and watch the game at home, thanks.

[Nutria]

I got a superbowl invite this year. The guy said he'll supply boxed wine, with a paragraph below it that got wordy and rant-ish, reminding people it's not okay to get "****-faced drunk" at his house. He wasn't kidding.

Many of the folks on the invite list are mid 30's to 50's professionals who I know don't get sloppy at gatherings (including myself), some of them making very good money, who may also be skeptical of the boxed punch-du-jour. Maybe that's just an encouragement to BYOB.

Maybe he's had bad experiences with people that you'd think would know better.

[disneysteve]

I got a superbowl invite this year. The guy said he'll supply boxed wine, with a paragraph below it that got wordy and rant-ish, reminding people it's not okay to get "****-faced drunk" at his house. He wasn't kidding.

People who I felt needed that warning would not be among those I'd invite into my home.

[ua_guy]

Maybe he's had bad experiences with people that you'd think would know better.

Agreed. His statement just seems very poorly worded (offensive?), especially given the invite list (which are people he is choosing to have inside his home).

People who I felt needed that warning would not be among those I'd invite into my home.

Exactly.

[FLA]

in my large extended family, my grandmother hosted these unreal dinner parties for at least 40-50 of us, mostly refused people bringing anything. She was a wonderful cook and had a way of making everyone feel welcome, Christmas was magical.

When she passed, despite loving these amazing dinner parties, no one in the next two generations felt up to following in her footsteps. So now my parents' generation each have a certain holiday and 1 brave cousin who has a ginormous house and is a natural born hostess and excellent cook. Usually the host family provides the meat and one other thing, then family coordinates together who will bring what so the meals generally look exactly the same year to year (they prefer it that way, don't mess with the old recipes). My cousin always does Easter, last year she designated who brought what for the first time instead of letting us decide amongst ourselves and she wanted a lot of catered trays picked up. I was out on disability and I got a tray of eggplant from a certain place. No problem, then I got there and it was $56! no meat, just eggplant. It's her friend's catering business. I don't think she deliberately thought, well, she's not working, but she can do the $56 eggplant, she just is a controlling person and wants the party her way. But people were not happy about not having a choice and some of the better cooks were really offended at not being asked to bring their specialty.

even within family people get upset about this stuff. I'm just glad we host one event a year, an Open House the day after Tgiving. By now, it runs itself, everybody just brings their same thing or call if they want to bring something different. It all works out and it's the company that matters. We're known for taking in the misfits, people we know from the fringes of our circle that may have been alone the day before. So we have a unique mix of young and old, family and friends.