how would you feel about getting a used chtistmas gift?

[97guns]

Bear in mind I am not a materialistic person, I received a coffee maker last Christmas from my brother whom is a very materialistic person and a real cheapskate, I had no use for it so it went into my storage closest. Now I am putting together my list of gifts for my friends and family for this years Christmas and was thinking of giving the coffee maker to a friend, I opened the box to check it out to find it is used, a bit dirty and crusty with water mineral all over the pot.

It's a good thing I checked it out before gifting it because I would have felt terrible giving something like this as a Christmas gift.

And ironically a few Christmas's ago the same brother was telling us and basically complaining about how his "best friend" gave him a used harley davidson coffee cup

[ua_guy]

Is it something he thought was new, but might have been returned and the store just put it back on the shelf?

A gift is a gift, but if it's unneeded or you're just giving each other junk for the sake of giving something, I'd rethink doing gift exchanges with that person.

But if that's all someone can afford and it was needed, that's a totally different situation.

[97guns]

Well last year he gave me a combination air pressure gauge/inflator that I again had no use for, I went to eBay to sell it to find it was a $2.99 item from harbour freight, like I said I am far from materialistic and my mom always says its the thought that counts but his gifting is totally thoughtless and is derived purely from the price point, the last 5 or 6 gifts to me i had absolutely no use for and this is from a brother that is retired and is well off.

This cheapness is not only with his gifting but every aspect of his giving, when he goes to a party and has to bring a dish he will shop at the dollar store making certain the dish does not exceed $5, he was supposed to bring a fruit cobbler over for our Thanksgiving dinner but last minute substituted with a pumpkin bread, I'm assuming he wasn't able to procure dollar store fruit. The only time he does not cheap out is when he spends on himself. He drives a very nice Mercedes, has rolex watches and has 2 very cherry Harleys.

I really feel like cheaping out on him too but I can't bring myself to gifting him a $3 christmas present

[disneysteve]

Bear in mind I am not a materialistic person, I received a coffee maker last Christmas from my brother whom is a very materialistic person and a real cheapskate, I had no use for it so it went into my storage closest. Now I am putting together my list of gifts for my friends and family for this years Christmas and was thinking of giving the coffee maker to a friend, I opened the box to check it out to find it is used, a bit dirty and crusty with water mineral all over the pot.

I would have no problem receiving a used item but not in the way that you did. It would have to be something that I wanted that perhaps wasn't currently available or was substantially more expensive new. And then it would need to be in very good condition, not dirty and worn like what you got. That's just wrong. Too bad you didn't open it when you got it.

[FLA]

my brother is a PITA with gifts as well, usually he forgets everything and everybody all year, interspersed with years of extravagant Christmas gifts. So the kids when they were little never knew whether to expect zilch or a Wii, no middle ground. The year of the Wii, my son said it was too much and he felt like he was buying his love, that he did not need such an expensive present. My son was maybe 10, he nailed it. It's nice when he goes lavish with everyone every once in a while, but the ignoring my parents' birthdays, Mother/Father's, all my kids bdays is not worth it. He could've bought the kids a book on their birthdays and they would've been happy. And ignoring my parents or overly fussing over my mom and then nada, not even a phone call for my dad, makes me insane. I gently remind him of upcoming things with my folks, I say nothing about the kids. Doesn't work, he still forgets my parents. But it's not "forgetting", it's blatant, "I don't care".

I decided for my own peace to give to him like I would if he were a normal brother, lol. We are a small family and I would feel bad not sending something for his birthday. Then try to ignore his actions. Last year, he gave everyone basic kindles despite knowing we all have Nooks, iPads, etc. Everyone got one and my dad got zilch. It was awkward and humiliating to my father. I offered him my kindle but he declined. In the end, my brother threw a fit that no one was really excited about a kindle because we have Nooks, grabbed them all back and left with them. We tried to feign excitement but we apparently did not meet his expectations. And to me, if you are going to leave someone out, make it me, not our dad.

It would be ok with me to get that used coffee pot if that was all my brother could afford. But that's not the case, he makes a very good living and has no problem gifting himself with every latest toy. Plus, he is in debt to my parents for thousands and thousands he apparently is never paying back. Rant over, but I feel your frustration.

[cypher1]

If it's your brother, I'm guessing you and your family probably know him better than most. So from that perspective, it really shouldn't be much of a shock. If someone gave me a used gift like that I'd probably just disregard it thinking that's just who they are, and my life would go on. When it comes to the holidays and exchanging gifts, I just don't have any expectations and anything I get I won't complain.

[FrugalFish]

I would have no problem receiving a used item but not in the way that you did.

ITA.

I read a decluttering book this past year that had a big impact on a lot of the ways I think about stuff. One of the things she says about gifts (because people keep a lot of stuff they hate because it was gifted to them) is that their purpose is fulfilled the moment they are given. A gift truly is a thought and when the gift someone gives you turns out to be downright rude, that's the thought that truly counts too. Your bro is thoughtless. Maybe it's not even intentional, maybe it's a habit from poorer days when he couldn't do much?

My first thought at your post title is that it's okay to give used gifts under certain circumstances. Each year I joke that I buy DH used gifts on ebay, though the stuff I buy for DH is vintage, antique, one of a kind, etc.- things like antique bottle openers, patches that are unavailable new, and so forth.

Have you thought about suggesting you don't exchange gifts? That might make both of you happier in the long run. Or maybe you could ask him to make a charitable donation on your behalf instead of his usual material gift?

[snafu]

I'm guessing your brother has been stingy and cheap with his contributions to family events and gifts for many years. If you feel it's necessary you can co op other family members who are likewise bothered by his parsimonious behaviour and each tell him how it makes you feel. There isn't much upside as relief only lasts a few moments. Alternatively, you can just ignore it as one more eccentricity from yet another family member.

I don't see any point of feeding unpleasant behaviour with more nasty behaviour. I'd rather be overly thoughtful or tell it with laughter. I'd buy him a big package of black, sport socks teasingly saying you worried he'd embarrass you all by wearing socks with holes.

I've been given a few regifted items but they were very expensive and I felt very blessed.

If you wish to give an inexpensive gift, make soap but pour it into silicone type ice cube trays [often available at GW] and wrap individually to keep them useable. If you make laundry detergent just call it 'Pods' or ' Flings.'

[Singuy]

I rather not receive anything than to receive someone else's junk. It's insulting and condescending. I am not goodwill or a trash can so don't treat me like one.

In the Asian culture, it is customary for people to give money for a wedding. I received $1 from my wife's parents. 1 freaken dollar. I don't understand why but that's just insulting. It's like they rolled their eyes at the thought of giving us money during a wedding and then thought "fine, here's a dollar". Maybe that's not their intention(most likely not since they are Asian) but it can definitely be interpreted as such.

A used gift is acceptable if it's a collector's item..but no I wouldn't want to receive someone's used cup, toothbrush, or underwear.

[Jluke]

Not to this extreme with a used item given as a gift, but over the years I've gotten tired of receiving unnecessary items as gifts.

This year I've excused myself from the extended family gift exchange and have talked my siblings into not exchanging gifts. Instead we are going to go out - for instance to dinner, sports event, etc type of thing. We'll see how this goes.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

depends on the used gift. One not really used like the tripod or camera my mom gave my husband. But definitely not something well used. Something clean, gently used would be fine.

[creditcardfree]

I'm giving a used Wii U and several games to my daughter to Christmas. She knows that we are buying used to keep the cost down. She's getting far more for the money this way too.

OP, as far as your situation...I think this simple reflects on him. To give a gift that is dirty and thoughtless (something you didn't need) is only about him. Sounds like it's time to just stop exchanging or expect nothing at all.

And for everyone reading...we have significantly reduced our Christmas gift list. We love our family dearly and would love to exchange however, we have decided to tell our family we are not exchanging. We specifically told them we would like them to save their time (not shopping) and money. We would rather they spend any money on something that is meaningful to their family. A play, a gift for their own home, or even save for a family vacation.

A gift is a beautiful expression of love when given in that way. However, it seems to me gifts have become an obligation. That is not love. I think it's time for people to step back and really evaluate what they are doing in regards to gifts. Doing the same thing and not liking it every year (or many years) is just sad.

[97guns]

OP, as far as your situation...I think this simple reflects on him. To give a gift that is dirty and thoughtless (something you didn't need) is only about him. Sounds like it's time to just stop exchanging or expect nothing at all.

A gift is a beautiful expression of love when given in that way. However, it seems to me gifts have become an obligation. That is not love.

Are these really cheap gifts indicative of his feelings towards me? I have actually lost all respect for this brother several years ago because of the way my father's estate and final services went down and I continue to be cordial towards him for my mother's sake but its been strictly a hello and goodbye relationship since then.

[disneysteve]

Are these really cheap gifts indicative of his feelings towards me?

It depends. Does he do this to everyone or just to you?

[97guns]

It depends. Does he do this to everyone or just to you?

He treats his friends better than family, always has. He will go the extra mile for his friends and won't lift a finger for family, its possible that he takes family for granted. The funny thing is he doesn't really hold down friends long term, he tends to wear them out like a pair of jeans