What would you do in this situation?

[amastewa93]

stay out of it and mind my own damn business

Well, she kind of made it my business when she reached out for advice... I didn't get much of a choice in the matter.





An update - I did chat with her this weekend and just let her know that I'll be happy to be there for her when/if she decides she needs to get out of that situation. I also told her that the past week of chatting with her about it constantly has been draining, emotionally, and that I needed to take a step back. I was sure to reiterate that I was there for her, but couldn't continue being at her disposal 24/7 for venting/crying. I'm hoping she decides to go back to her mom's, but at this point, I'm doubtful she'll make any change at all.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Would it be wrong to tell her parents what is going on? Maybe they can do an intervention? Or do they know and there is nothing they can do?

[myrdale]

She should wait until he is liquored up really good. Then once he passes out, tie him to the bed. Next get the toilet plunger and beat him to within an inch of his life. I've heard of this working wonders on one occasion. This is probably not "good" advice but it is effective.

[james.hendrickson]

She should wait until he is liquored up really good. Then once he passes out, tie him to the bed. Next get the toilet plunger and beat him to within an inch of his life. I've heard of this working wonders on one occasion. This is probably not "good" advice but it is effective.

Um...isn't assault illegal?

[amastewa93]

Would it be wrong to tell her parents what is going on? Maybe they can do an intervention? Or do they know and there is nothing they can do?

I've chatted with her mom and she's reached out to help, but she's shut her out now and stopped answering her calls. She is willing to just move forward and act like it didn't happen... until it does again. I feel she is starting to isolate herself, which is concerning. But I think that I've done what I can for her for now. I'm just hoping she doesn't isolate herself from everyone and not reach out when she needs help again.

[kork13]

I've chatted with her mom and she's reached out to help, but she's shut her out now and stopped answering her calls. She is willing to just move forward and act like it didn't happen... until it does again. I feel she is starting to isolate herself, which is concerning. But I think that I've done what I can for her for now. I'm just hoping she doesn't isolate herself from everyone and not reach out when she needs help again.

You've done what you can, don't fault yourself for her unwillingness to act. The ball's in her court, only she can take the necessary steps to deal with the problem. Maybe things will turn out great, or maybe it'll happen again...and again...and again.... But until she's ready to do something about it, there's really nothing you can do. Don't beat yourself up, and as we said -- offer your support, but she's got to want to make a change before anyone can help her.

[myrdale]

Um...isn't assault illegal?

Typically yes. Technically tieing him to the bed is probably kidnapping as well. I believe that is also illegal.

It would be interesting to see the look on the responding officers face though when he shows up to the call of a wife beater who was was assaulted by his victim.

[kork13]

Typically yes. Technically tieing him to the bed is probably kidnapping as well. I believe that is also illegal.

1) Technically, I think it depends on the circumstances... Unlawful restraint, false imprisonment, kidnapping... All sort of on a similar spectrum. This case, maybe just unlawful restraint.
2) Only illegal if you get caught.
3) ^^Kidding... of course.... right?....

It would be interesting to see the look on the responding officers face though when he shows up to the call of a wife beater who was was assaulted by his victim.

Cop: <<Sees bruised-up wife holding a plunger with the bloodied husband on the floor>>
Cop: <<Tips his cap>> "You have a good evening, ma'am."
(That probably is not how it would go down... but it's a bit fulfilling to imagine)

[Gailete]

So sorry to hear this. As someone that gets 'promotions' that she has to move for, I assume she is smarter than the average bear. Dealing with domestic abuse is rough. One of the hardest things is if the victim of a beater makes that decision to leave, unfortunately, many times they find themselves dead if the spouse catches on before they are safely away. She is thinking he wouldn't do this again. I suppose he apologized and probably brought her flowers or roses. How many flowers would make me wonder just how sorry he is. Abusers come in every shape and color. I was emotionally abused by my former husbands. At times I wished he would smack me good so I had a lovely bruise to prove what was going on. But I managed to get away anyhow. Yes, it means starting all over. It means financial problems. There are lots of problems involved with these jerks who think they can do and be anything they want, and lest we remember that husbands can be abused as well by the wife. It is sickening to know that this person who vowed to love and be faithful, etc. and they really don't mean it and most likely never did. One of the many reasons to really counsel young girls who are letting their boyfriends beat on them because "I love him and he loves me". They don't understand love in the least. Love cares for a person even before his own self. An abusive situation is no different.

I can say that having someone that you can talk to and who will listen is a huge gift. I had two women from church come and tell me that I wasn't being a good wife in how I treated my husband after 13 years of his abuse, telling me not to talk to him every time I did try to talk and many things I can't even begin to bring up here. Within about two weeks they both came and apologized after he accused both of their husbands of meeting me on the side and having who knows what with them! I came home after a 12-hour nursing shift (7P-7A) to find him pacing in the driveway and when I pulled in he started hounding me about why I was so late, etc.etc.etc. Okay, I was about 5 minutes later than usual pulling in and as a charge nurse, I wasn't always off work at the same time. I was so tired it took me a while to remember I had dropped another nurse off at her house on my way home, which took about 5 minutes. It took me a while and I finally figured out where he was having all these crazy ideas from. His BIL had cheated on his sister and thus I must be cheating as well. Although what kind of affair a dead tired nurse could conduct in 5 minutes is beyond me. The point being I talked to my mom some, but I had NO close friends that I could talk about what I was going through with. It would have helped so much to have had a listening ear at that point.

So be a friend and offer suggestions if asked. Otherwise, just listen. If this is the first time he has done this, then she probably thought that it won't happen again, especially if he said so. But she needs to watch out. Holidays are horrible for sending unstable families into a crisis. My 2nd husband always picked a fight on every single holiday which I think was a throwback from his early years with an alcoholic mom, a dad who wasn't right in the head, a retarded sister, and a mentally ill sister, and who knows how many other family members that at times they ended up getting poisoned by the turkey as it sat out so long while the problems were raging. I guess he figured without a fight it wasn't an adequate holiday. I don't know, I didn't grow up that way. Before Medicare stepped in we also got the holiday 'dump' of old parents that the kids didn't want them spoiling the day so they would bring them to the hospital complaining of chest pain so they at that time had to be admitted for around 3 days. Families don't do well on the holidays and the biggest one is coming up. Abuse is probably going to be just as bad if not worse then. Thank you for listening to her and there is nothing wrong with setting limits to how long each call can be. As she complains about him, ask her how she felt when he did whatever. She has to learn to get in tune with her own feelings and remember that she is a valuable person and wasn't put on this earth to be a punching bag.

[Like2Plan]

I am not trained in how to handle a situation like this one, so I think the suggestion up thread to find a counselor who has been trained is a really good one. DV is a very difficult situation. Probably the most unexpected response is sometimes both the aggressor and the victim turn on the person trying to help.

I think probably the most important first step before anything else is the victim has to be safe from further abuse. Maybe, a counselor familiar with available resources could help with that important first step.