What would you do in this situation?

[Smallsteps]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

To provide a bit more information - there was a police report filed the day it happened. One of her neighbors called the police because they could hear the altercation. When the police got there it was obvious she'd been hit. She filed a report and decided against pressing charges (for whatever reason).

I'll do some looking into some groups/organizations near here where she can go. I've been trying to talk her into just going back to her mom's house. That seems like the best option for her right now and her mother wouldn't turn her away.

Of course things can be different in different states etc. in many States, the aggressor in a domestic violence situation is taken in to jail for at least a night.
I know you WANT to help but if she is stating and perhaps mentally creating all these "roadblocks" she has no intention of leaving. it is hard to help someone who is not on board.

If she has most of the money she has leverage period. As others stated if he has access to her money change that ASAP. she has more power then she thinks.
She find her options like if local rules or laws have an escape clause in lease etc. or find a clear ending on how long she has left on current lease.
In your post she moved for her job did this company have spots in her previous location closer to family?

[amastewa93]

In your post she moved for her job did this company have spots in her previous location closer to family?

There may be but, at this time, she's made it clear she doesn't want to move again. I believe the move back would cause her to lose the promotion she moved away for.

[amastewa93]

You haven't said where she lives, but if it's a decently-sized city, there's probably a women's shelter in the area. Perhaps you could talk to them and they could make contact with her to start the process of helping her? (probably better to do that with her permission)

Yes - she lives in the Phoenix, AZ area. I'll see if that is something she's interested in. She seems to shut down just about every suggestion I make.

[Smallsteps]

She seems to shut down just about every suggestion I make.

Unfortunately until she WANTS to do it she won't. So sad that many of these situations get worse before the person flips the switch and can see many roads out instead of only roadblocks keeping them there.

[rennigade]

At this point I would separate yourself from what she's going through. She basically just wanted to vent to someone when the incident happened.

[disneysteve]

She seems to shut down just about every suggestion I make.

You can't fix other people's problems.

You can be a friendly ear to vent to. You can be a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. But you can't fix other people's problems.

Be there as a friend but don't make suggestions. Don't tell her what she ought to be doing. Don't involve yourself in the personal affairs of a married couple, especially one where there is abuse going on. Don't get sucked into other people's drama. Just nod your head and say "I'm sorry you're dealing with that".

[Keshet]

All you can do is urge her to leave RIGHT NOW. Screw the "no savings" or "I'll lose my promotion". Abusers do not get less violent with time. The decision is of course, up to her.

[kork13]

Unfortunately, if she isn't willing to take action to protect herself, then Steve is probably right. Be a friend to her, and give her all the support that you can, but probably only offer advice if she asks for it. You can't force a person to act -- they have to want and be willing to do it themselves. Until she's ready to change something, there's nothing you can likely do besides help her to know that you care for her (because heaven knows she won't get that at home). If she asks for help, provide it generously. Otherwise, just support her as you can and as she will accept. My heart goes out for her...

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Yep be supportive but at the end of the day it's her choice. I would however preface by saying you can always find another job and make money again. Getting out of a situation no matter what it seems like financially - promotion, apartment leased, etc is just money. Money doesn't buy happiness or your life. A friend left her husband and yes she's poorer. Yes she's in debt. But everyday is a better day because of it and she'd be the first one to tell you it was worth every penny even now.

[amastewa93]

At this point I would separate yourself from what she's going through. She basically just wanted to vent to someone when the incident happened.

Yes - that's what I am going to do. I need to take a step back from it and not give it too much thought.

Any thoughts on ignoring some of her calls? Right now, the whole thing, for me, has been emotionally exhausting... but I don't want her to feel alone either. However, I think we've spent like 6.5 hours on the phone this week.

[mumof2]

Ask her what she wants you to do and let her know how you are feeling...if she is not prepared to leave the situation then there is nothing you can do and tell them that it is emotionally draining for you to hear this when there is nothing she wants to do about it....I have people in DV situations in my family and there is nothing we can do until they decide that they want to leave...I however tell them when they are ready to leave i will help them but I don't want to hear about what happens if they choose to stay...for the same reason it is mentally and emotionally draining for all involved..its a hard situation to be in..but you need to take care of yourself as well...yes she may need to vent but she needs to do more than that

[creditcardfree]

Ask her what she wants you to do and let her know how you are feeling...if she is not prepared to leave the situation then there is nothing you can do and tell them that it is emotionally draining for you to hear this when there is nothing she wants to do about it....I have people in DV situations in my family and there is nothing we can do until they decide that they want to leave...I however tell them when they are ready to leave i will help them but I don't want to hear about what happens if they choose to stay...for the same reason it is mentally and emotionally draining for all involved..its a hard situation to be in..but you need to take care of yourself as well...yes she may need to vent but she needs to do more than that

This ^^^^. Tell her again and again you WILL be there for her if she wants to take ACTION. I mean I literally would buy a plane ticket and house a friend or family member that wanted to escape abuse. Until she wants to take action, the time you invest in discussing this issue is limited and for the professionals to help her sort through. Have you suggested she see a counselor? And yes, ignore some calls...if necessary for your mental health.

[mumof2]

This ^^^^. Tell her again and again you WILL be there for her if she wants to take ACTION. I mean I literally would buy a plane ticket and house a friend or family member that wanted to escape abuse. Until she wants to take action, the time you invest in discussing this issue is limited and for the professionals to help her sort through. Have you suggested she see a counselor? And yes, ignore some calls...if necessary for your mental health.

Im not saying ignore her at all but being so far away and not being able to do anything for them and them not wanting to do anything is taxing on a person...so until they do want to more than you don't really want to hear that they are abusing them in anyway...it is hard on people mentally and emotionally...it seems that all suggestions she is given she doesn't want to do...so I was just suggesting to take care of themselves until she wants to do something

[creditcardfree]

Im not saying ignore her at all but being so far away and not being able to do anything for them and them not wanting to do anything is taxing on a person...so until they do want to more than you don't really want to hear that they are abusing them in anyway...it is hard on people mentally and emotionally...it seems that all suggestions she is given she doesn't want to do...so I was just suggesting to take care of themselves until she wants to do something

Yes, understood and agree! I also didn't say to ignore all calls.

[greenskeeper]

What would you do in this situation?[/h] ]

stay out of it and mind my own damn business