Trying to break the habit of financial anxiety

[TBH]

Do any of you have this problem? I find that it's hard for me to stop worrying about money, even when I'm doing very well.

Right now, for instance, I have a good full time job with benefits. My spouse's job doesn't pay a ton but it's very secure. I also have a part time job and I do a little freelancing, and we have a rental property that brings in some income. We don't have any debt except a mortgage on our home and another mortgage on our rental property.

For the first time I can remember, we have plenty of income to live comfortably AND save quite a bit of money. I feel like I'm catching up on savings from all the years when our income was volatile and we weren't able to save as much, but other than that, things are good.

But I'm still just as anxious now as I was during the years when our income fluctuated a lot. For most of my career, my income has gone up and down dramatically. I have had a lot of temporary jobs, part time jobs, then I was self employed, and I've missed months of work due to illness. Our income is much steadier now, but I just can't break the habit of feeling like our income could evaporate overnight.

We have enough right now to live a comfortable but not extravagant life. I am very satisfied with our current lifestyle. We live in a nice house. We have a 10-year-old car and we're hoping to get 5 more years out of it. We are able to travel to see family a few times a year, and every other year or so we go on a vacation that is not visiting family. We're catching up on retirement savings, especially for my DH who is older than I am and started saving late. We have some money set aside for college for our DS. We are really doing okay. Even if our income did drop suddenly, we have a good emergency fund and our income is well diversified so we would be very unlikely to lose ALL our income at once.

So how do I stop worrying?

[tripods68]

Could it be having two mortgage payments what causing your anxiety and not reaching your savings goal as of yet? Might be normal anxiety to me....I think most Americans "worry they have not save enough".

We just have a mortgage payment and recently paid off all our debt. I feel like we have come a long way. Those debt snowball are now all going towards maximizing our retirements, roth, 529, and living less anxiety. But we also know, if one of us lose our job, our finances and ability to save will be greatly affected and our future goal of 3 million in retirement.

[TBH]

Tripod, it's true that I would be much less anxious if we didn't have a mortgage on our house. The mortgage on the rental property doesn't bother me as much because it's only about half what we receive in rent, so I consider that mortgage to be necessary for giving us the rental income.

Hmm. I have been focusing on catching up on retirement savings and saving up cash in case we want to buy another rental. But maybe I should start throwing more money at our mortgage. It would be so nice to see that thing go away.

[cypher1]

So how do I stop worrying?

While I can't exactly speak for your lifestyle or situation. I will say nothing lasts forever, good or bad. I'm a pessimist by nature, but I accept that there is a lot in our lives that is out of our control.

Be grateful for your health, family, and financial accomplishments. This is easier said than done, but it could always be worst. You brought up examples of previous illness, income changing, etc. That was then, this is now. Sounds like you should be focusing more on the positive things in life you have going on, and moving forward. Instead thinking about the past, and possibly allowing that to stagnate your future.

Don't get me wrong, we all still think about those risks of losing a job/income, health, and having to dip into our EFs. But we can't plan for everything. It sounds like you've got all your bases covered, and just need to take a step back and enjoy the present.

[Bob B.]

And there are people who don't have two nickels to rub together, and don't have a financial care in the world.

I worry about money pretty much the same as I did when I had a lot of CC debt.

Each of us is wired differently in the head. My guess is that your nature is that you'll want to have the same anxiety when you have zero mortgages.

Some of us who have a bit too much anxiety need to use it healthfully without letting it get the best of us. Other coul use more anxiety! But my guess is that it's usually the person, and not the situation they are in at any given point in time.

[TBH]

Thanks, everybody.

I think you're right that I will worry about money no matter what my actual financial circumstances are.

[tripods68]

It would be so nice to see that thing go away.

Your lives will be different when you no longer have mortgage payments. The more you have control about your finances the more you will feel liberated.

I certainly felt liberated when we paid off our car after a year following Dave Ramsey principle. It felt weird at first, yet it was an overwhelming emotions because we always had debt---and to feel suddenly without the extra burden of debt was a surprise feeling. We're screamed....WE'RE DEBT FREEEEE!

[phantom]

When I'm anxious about something, I often find it helps to practice visualizing the event that makes me anxious and imagining myself handling it well. It works wonders when I'm nervous about talking to a big group of people or trying something I've never done before. I've never tried it for anything an event that was going to take more than an hour, but I still think you could make it work well here.

Visualize some of the specific scenarios that are worrying you. Imagine both you and your wife lose your jobs. Think about what you would do and in what order. I imagine you'd start hunting for new jobs and apply for unemployment. Maybe you'd make some lifestyle cuts right away. Think about how you might use the rental income and when you might need to transfer money out of your emergency fund. Imagine yourself handling all of these things with as much detail as possible, down to the act of sitting at a computer and typing stuff in. Imagine other scenarios besides job loss, like really expensive emergencies all piled up at once. Practice this exercise often, perhaps every time you catch yourself feeling anxious and have some time to do it.

If you can do it with a low enough impact on others in your family, you might want to try practicing parts of your plan for real. Maybe you could have your paychecks temporarily diverted to an account you don't access, and you could practice living off your emergency fund. Maybe you could make lifestyle cuts for a few weeks just to show yourself you really can do it.

If you can visualize yourself handling the thing that scares you with enough detail enough times, eventually you start to feel like you actually have handled the situation before. You've been practicing being worried for a long time, it's time to start practicing feeling confident.

[Bob B.]

Your lives will be different when you no longer have mortgage payments. The more you have control about your finances the more you will feel liberated.
:

I'm not so sure that will be true for me. I plan to be debt free in about 5 years - mortgage, car loans, everything. I'm sure it will feel nice, for a little while anyway. But, I'll nearly immediately replace the anxiety I have over debt with anxiety over retirement savings and college costs for my kids.

It's not a life-controlling, debilitating anxiety. Just a feeling in the back of my head that things can always be better.

And, once I do decide that I have enough saved, and can quit working, and retire, I'll feel anxious about spending during retirement. I just know that I will, no matter how much I've saved, or how old I am when I retire.

[Jluke]

This "anxiety" is probably a result of your direct attention and focus on your financial picture. I have it too.

If it is consuming you, then you need to find another approach to handle your finances.

If it fuels and encourages you in a positive manner, then consider it a tool.

There are times where I wish I could be care free, but it will never happen.

[rob62521]

I, unfortunately, also worry although we are in a good place, no mortgage, cars are paid for, have money saved...I think it is a fear that was learned in my case. I grew up in a household where things were tight and I don't want a hard scrabble life, so I worry although things are going well.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I will owning no one nothing is pretty cool

[TBH]

If you can visualize yourself handling the thing that scares you with enough detail enough times, eventually you start to feel like you actually have handled the situation before. You've been practicing being worried for a long time, it's time to start practicing feeling confident.

Whoa. I'm going to try this. Thanks.

[TBH]

I think it is a fear that was learned in my case.

You bring up an important point. I think many of us are shaped by our family's relationship with money.

I think this is very true for me too, except that I grew up in a household that was comfortable financially--on the surface. We didn't have much money when I was little, but by the time I was old enough to be aware of things we lived a pretty comfortable middle class lifestyle. I went to public schools mostly, but I did go to a few years of private school and there was money for things like summer camp, going out to dinner occasionally, nice clothes. My dad always bought himself a lot of toys--mostly sports equipment. My mom didn't work.

But as I got older I started to realize that this was all largely funded by debt. My dad doesn't believe in keeping money in cash. He lives on a line of credit and then scrambles and hustles and works hard to make payments. His work has always been commission-based so he's always had wildly fluctuating income. He has assets, but they're all highly leveraged and he's prone to risky investments. My mother, on the other hand, is extremely debt averse but doesn't really know how to save money and is into what I call magical thinking--"Everything always works out. I will have enough money in the future if I spend this money now. I've always had enough before so I will probably continue to always have enough." The tension between these approaches to money caused a lot of stress in our family and ultimately contributed to their divorce.

So I have both my parents' hunger for a lifestyle that's just slightly nicer than I can afford, and also my mom's fear of debt, and also my dad's hustle/workaholism and his tendency to gravitate towards work that has periods of feast and famine. My DH is naturally frugal and not motivated by money, doesn't want to think about money or talk about money, and whenever he accumulates too much he starts wanting to give it away.

So yeah. Is there any wonder I'm a headcase when it comes to money?!

[Like2Plan]

Do any of you have this problem? I find that it's hard for me to stop worrying about money, even when I'm doing very well.

So how do I stop worrying?

I don't know how to stop worrying--it's what I do

Why do some people feel the need to put acorns aside for the coming winter while others don't feel that pressure and spend money without a care in the world when they are in fact on economic life support? Honestly, I wish I could pass along some of my financial anxiety to some folks I know.