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I will try to use lists so I can organize this question to you/seek advice as I know these things can be long and convoluted. I guess this is targeted at people who have had a second relationship and made it work but also anyone can participate of course.
First of all, my background: 46 y.o. male, 3 kids, actively co-parenting, 17, 12, and 6 (all boys), living in a 4 bdr. house with 1.5 bath. It's run down as you have seen my kitchen on other threads. I will admit it (but it's actually still a cool house in many ways - put together well, even if quirky) I have been involved with a woman 41 y.o., caring, loving, but full of drama, 3 kids, 19, still lives with her, 14 and 5. Her ex-husband is a drunk bipolar loser who barely co-parents. She left a house underwater and declared bankruptcy a year ago.
We can't seem to agree on how to take any next step together.
A. Her father set her up in a 2 bdr townhouse with a finished basement she sleeps in. Her house is too tiny to fit my kids in for any kind of meaningful visitation. He has pledged to give her the equity/house when it's paid off but that seems to be many years away. Maybe, MAYBE she/he have 10K in equity in it.
B. I have a 4 bdr. 1.5 ba but it's kind of a dump. You have seen pics of my kitchen. She says she couldn't live here. I have offered for her to transfer the equity into my place via a lien to protect her and her father was open to that suggestion but she doesn't like my place. I get it. She would have never picked it out. She has good taste, lol.
C. She says we should go out and buy our own place. It's what couples in second relationships do.
1. I am not sure could do that.
2. I am pretty sure I don't want to do that. I have 10 years left on my mortage and this dump is all mine. All mine. I get depressed thinking about financing another white picket fence for 20, 30 years.
Now, don't get me wrong, if she had let's say 50K of equity and I have about 75K and we went out together, solidified by a ring, and got a 200K house, I would consider that. But she has nothing. Brings nothing to the table. And don't forget, I pay child support, which is very hard.
She accuses me of looking at things too much like a business proposition with matters of the heart, which I may say is true but I guess I feel like I have 3 kids I have to provide for, sayeth the State of NJ, along with society. If something goes wrong, what am I supposed to do? It seems she has everything to gain and nothing to lose.
So my question: My final counterproposal is for us to just rent a place but I think she will turn that down because she has a sweet deal with Section Papa Housing. She pays $600/month to him and he foots every other bill. Yeah, I get it - why walk away from that unless another Daddy can offer more, right?
Should I move on? How have you made it work?
First of all, my background: 46 y.o. male, 3 kids, actively co-parenting, 17, 12, and 6 (all boys), living in a 4 bdr. house with 1.5 bath. It's run down as you have seen my kitchen on other threads. I will admit it (but it's actually still a cool house in many ways - put together well, even if quirky) I have been involved with a woman 41 y.o., caring, loving, but full of drama, 3 kids, 19, still lives with her, 14 and 5. Her ex-husband is a drunk bipolar loser who barely co-parents. She left a house underwater and declared bankruptcy a year ago.
We can't seem to agree on how to take any next step together.
A. Her father set her up in a 2 bdr townhouse with a finished basement she sleeps in. Her house is too tiny to fit my kids in for any kind of meaningful visitation. He has pledged to give her the equity/house when it's paid off but that seems to be many years away. Maybe, MAYBE she/he have 10K in equity in it.
B. I have a 4 bdr. 1.5 ba but it's kind of a dump. You have seen pics of my kitchen. She says she couldn't live here. I have offered for her to transfer the equity into my place via a lien to protect her and her father was open to that suggestion but she doesn't like my place. I get it. She would have never picked it out. She has good taste, lol.
C. She says we should go out and buy our own place. It's what couples in second relationships do.
1. I am not sure could do that.
2. I am pretty sure I don't want to do that. I have 10 years left on my mortage and this dump is all mine. All mine. I get depressed thinking about financing another white picket fence for 20, 30 years.
Now, don't get me wrong, if she had let's say 50K of equity and I have about 75K and we went out together, solidified by a ring, and got a 200K house, I would consider that. But she has nothing. Brings nothing to the table. And don't forget, I pay child support, which is very hard.
She accuses me of looking at things too much like a business proposition with matters of the heart, which I may say is true but I guess I feel like I have 3 kids I have to provide for, sayeth the State of NJ, along with society. If something goes wrong, what am I supposed to do? It seems she has everything to gain and nothing to lose.
So my question: My final counterproposal is for us to just rent a place but I think she will turn that down because she has a sweet deal with Section Papa Housing. She pays $600/month to him and he foots every other bill. Yeah, I get it - why walk away from that unless another Daddy can offer more, right?
Should I move on? How have you made it work?
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