The Economics of a Second Relationship

[jIM_Ohio]

I don't know. . .she's backing up now. . said she was willing to get a place to rent together (that wasn't what was coming through). I told her I think she's bluffing. . .she won't move out of the arrangement her father has set up for her.

She is very angry I am bringing up "scrit" as she said about the bankruptcy, but I'm sorry - it's the elephant in the room.

Well, thanks for listening. I'll try to sort through this all.

I was probably insenstive the way I just undiplomatically blurted out everything. Maybe I am just taking it a bit too personally too.

I actually completely get it if she doesn't want to uproot and move across town. She's got kids. I actually completely get if she doesn't want to take the next step. I was talking to a "big sister" type the other day on this and she said she was sorry she remarried the second time and did it because it was what was "supposed" to be done. She would have preferred to just be close without the marriage.

Really hard. I'm trying.

Maybe it's not supposed to be this much work.

It's work because your forcing it
what if you date each other but don't live with each other.

Keep it simple

[disneysteve]

I have been involved with a woman 41 y.o., caring, loving, but full of drama

I have no experience in the "second relationship" department.

That said, I only needed to read as far as the bolded statement above to know what my answer would be.

[disneysteve]

There is an app called tinder, if you just want to get laid, it works REALLY well and is less drama.

You just never know what you're going to learn at this site.

[Scanner]

A. I don't want to just get laid. My god, I'm 46 years old and don't want to be a Romeo and I have made it 46 years without a STD. But thanks for the info on Tinder.

B. Well, okay, maybe I feel that the people who have done well in life, the people I know, tend to do be in partnerships. My best man at my wedding. Heck, our own DisneySteve. This isn't just true in personal life, but also in business. For instance, did you know, given an area with a certain demographic, doctors in GROUP PRACTICE earn about 20-30% more than 3 doctors in solo practice. Beyond just sharing expenses, there is a certain je ne sais quois that they just DO better. So, 3 solo docs may earn 200,000 dollars each, but if they were in group pracice, they would each earn 250,000 each.

Usually. Not always but usually.

So yes, perhaps it's not just romance, but a knowledge that partnerships, if successfully sailed, fare better than solo boats.

But I know I inserted a big if.

I don't think I want to be an eternal bachelor adn I think the online dating scene does give off an illusion that there are PLENTY O FISH when in reality, there aren't that many (which is why I try to salvage this). During a recent break-up I dated a woman with anxiety and depression, would just come unglued at points. Another one was a pychologist who chained smoked. It's a minefield here guys.

I DO enjoy the peace of solitude. I don't need company. But I would like a partner. When I got a LIfe Coach (yes, I did that hippy dippy thing for about 3 months) one of the things we revealed about me is one of my main core values is teamwork. It's probably also why I am considering a professional change into industry. . .trying to get chiropractors to work together for a mutual goal is like trying to herd cats.

[creditcardfree]

one of the things we revealed about me is one of my main core values is teamwork.

I get it and in my marriage it does seem that we are on a team working toward the same goals with of course love and affection mixed in.

This is where counseling could help you together figure out if you are compatible team mates. Based on your discussions so far with your girlfriend does it seem she has ANY of the same goals you are looking to achieve with someone?

[Scanner]

Well, I told her if I was such a tyrant to ask for a variable 650/month, than she shouldn't move in here. And she knows another 20 year mortgage with me (or longer) is a non-starter.

It's yelling and screaming at this point - "You don't know everything, you know." and "You're real funny." and "You keep sinking money into that money pit." (um, her father just rescued her from a 8000 dollar air conditioner/furnance break this winter - ALL HOUSES ARE MONEY PITS) and "You have more debt than me, you know."

Um, hte last part is true - thanks to bankruptcies laws, she walked away from an underwater, subprime house. . .she owes nothing anymore. On the flip side of that. . .she also has nothing.

Guess how well that goes over pointing that out?

[Scanner]

BTW, to once again clarify, if she had equity at all, I wouldn't be opposed to nearly a same mortgage amount/term to get a nicer place together.

The thought of a new mortgage itself doesn't depress me; extending my debt out another 10-20 years at age 46 - yes that depresses me. I want to be DONE at age 56.

I guess she sees it as all "romanticy" to get a house together, like we are 23 and don't know chit from chat. THat's what my older son will be doing in 5 or so years.

That's not the Economics of a Second Relationshp (to steer this away from a rant and back on topic like my tie-in??? )

[Petunia 100]

I don't think I want to be an eternal bachelor and I think the online dating scene does give off an illusion that there are PLENTY O FISH when in reality, there aren't that many (which is why I try to salvage this). During a recent break-up I dated a woman with anxiety and depression, would just come unglued at points. Another one was a pychologist who chained smoked. It's a minefield here guys.

But you don't want just anybody. You want a solid relationship which works for you. And you have minor children to consider.

Being single is much better than being with someone who is all wrong for you.

I divorced 8 years ago at age 40. My children were 16 and 11 at the time. So, I do have some experience in this area. I know that at this stage in life, many of the people in the dating pool are single for very good reasons.

I'm not trying to dis your current girlfriend. But from what you write, she seems like a bad fit for you. Marriage is hard work. Living together involves compromise. But dating should be easy. If it's not all sunshine and happiness now, that does not bode well for the future.

She is who she is. Trying to change her is going to be a frustrating experience for both of you. If you cannot accept her as she is, move on.

[Scanner]

Well, that's just it - socially, physically, emotionally - it IS sunshine and roses.

When it comes to the business side of the relationship, it just falls apart. I have said I realize partnerships are rarely 50/50. . .I don't mind it being 80/20 but after that. . .yeah, I start to get worn. I need more effort from my teammate.

It's weird. . .I actually have come to LIKE fights about money. Money really is a peculiar substance and I told her (to try to introduce her to BASICS of finance) that Suze Orman says, "PEOPLE. MONEY. THINGS."

If you notice, money is second, meaning it's got somewhat some importance in life over all the things we want or have. She hates talking money. . .avoids it.

I think when it comes down to it, she hates to pay me ANY money, hates the thought of it because she sees 250/month + utilities as "enrichening" me with an asset she wants or thinks she deserves half of. Which is a shame. . .had I made it that far with the millionaire I was dating, I would have paid her my share and let it enrichen her. . .she loved jewelry. . .she could have went and spent it on that, saved it, whatever.

My current gf would rather go out and rent another place and pay that LANDLORD 600/month while I pony up 1200. . .hey, if it keeps the peace, maybe I'll consider that. It's on the table.

[jIM_Ohio]

You just never know what you're going to learn at this site.

Steve, check your daughter's phone...

[jIM_Ohio]

Well, that's just it - socially, physically, emotionally - it IS sunshine and roses.

When it comes to the business side of the relationship, it just falls apart. I have said I realize partnerships are rarely 50/50. . .I don't mind it being 80/20 but after that. . .yeah, I start to get worn. I need more effort from my teammate.

It's weird. . .I actually have come to LIKE fights about money. Money really is a peculiar substance and I told her (to try to introduce her to BASICS of finance) that Suze Orman says, "PEOPLE. MONEY. THINGS."

If you notice, money is second, meaning it's got somewhat some importance in life over all the things we want or have. She hates talking money. . .avoids it.

I think when it comes down to it, she hates to pay me ANY money, hates the thought of it because she sees 250/month + utilities as "enrichening" me with an asset she wants or thinks she deserves half of. Which is a shame. . .had I made it that far with the millionaire I was dating, I would have paid her my share and let it enrichen her. . .she loved jewelry. . .she could have went and spent it on that, saved it, whatever.

My current gf would rather go out and rent another place and pay that LANDLORD 600/month while I pony up 1200. . .hey, if it keeps the peace, maybe I'll consider that. It's on the table.

Maybe the issue is she is paying YOU instead of paying for THINGS
people paying people can make the other person feel less human
there is a compromise- have her pay 100% of the utilities and pay you $0
have her agree to replace the ____ (car, hot water heater, roof) when it needs replacing

avoid having her pay YOU and see if the problem changes

[jIM_Ohio]

Well, I told her if I was such a tyrant to ask for a variable 650/month, than she shouldn't move in here. And she knows another 20 year mortgage with me (or longer) is a non-starter.

It's yelling and screaming at this point - "You don't know everything, you know." and "You're real funny." and "You keep sinking money into that money pit." (um, her father just rescued her from a 8000 dollar air conditioner/furnance break this winter - ALL HOUSES ARE MONEY PITS) and "You have more debt than me, you know."

Um, hte last part is true - thanks to bankruptcies laws, she walked away from an underwater, subprime house. . .she owes nothing anymore. On the flip side of that. . .she also has nothing.

Guess how well that goes over pointing that out?

I use the word "I" in discussions more than "you". Try not to change her, as that is a sign you aren't willing to change.

I think it's best if you get a house with a 15 year mortgage together. Keep the houses you have now and rent each of them out. Make sure the house you buy now is also "rentable"- if the bottom falls out of relationship you would be out what you each put into the house.

Before buying a new house, consider getting a joint checking account for a portion of your paychecks and agree what gets paid out of that account. Don't use money to take a person's individuality away.

[CashUp Sammy]

Steve, check your daughter's phone...

Tinder, what a brave new world we are in!

[bjl584]

Just to update my situation, I am once again single.

I won't bore anyone with the details, but I can definitely say it's for the best. We were different people with different views, and there wasn't a sign of compromise or middle ground to be found.

So, I am sad and I do miss her, but I know things would have never worked between us long term.

Back to the dating scene for me I guess.

[cypher1]

Sorry to hear that. But better to be single and free with options. Than in a relationship feeling trapped, that doesn't make you or the other individual happy. Just my opinion though.