Cheap Stupid

[riverwed070707]

We had a dollar dance too Can honestly say I've been to few that didn't have one. Was mind blown when I learned this was a regional thing!

[doingitallwrong]

The gift is not payback for how much money they spent on you. It's supposed to be a gift of congratulations and generosity.

This. I was listing to a discussion on the radio this a.m. about someone who gave a wedding gift of $10 cash (which I do feel is a little light, honestly), and was amazed and disturbed at how many commenters stated that the gift should equal the cost of the guest's dinner. Seriously? When did that become the rule of thumb? If that's the case, why not skip the wedding altogether and just keep the money you would have spent on it? My friends are all married by now, but if I start getting invites to their kids' weddings I'll tell them straight out that if they expect a gift of equal value to the meal, they can just uninvite me and consider the money they saved on the meal as my gift to them!

As for the original story, yes, it does sound like it was poorly planned and the venue really fell down on the job. Yes, it is the bride and groom's wedding and they are entitled to have the kind of affair that they want. That said, when you throw a wedding reception you are the host/hostess and it is your duty to see to the comfort of your guests. If you are inviting people to a dinner, you should darn well make sure there's enough food and drink (non-alcoholic) for everyone. If the table runs out of *tap water*, you tell the staff to get more tap water, or you grab the pitcher and go fill it up yourself. It sounds like this couple threw the wedding simply as a way to get gifts and money, with no concern for their guests.

Personally, we went with a semi-expensive venue, because we figured it would probably be the only party we threw in our lives! There were a couple of hiccups, and we were late getting to the reception. Appetizers and the bar were available when the guests got there, but we had estimated the timing and had decided to shut down the bar during dinner. Unfortunately, the venue took us too literally and shut everything down at the time we expected dinner to start, not when it actually did. It was only about a 15-minute overlap, but still, I went around and apologized to everyone once things were worked out. (We never even got any appetizers ourselves, but I heard they were fantastic!)

Anyway, I can totally see being irritated at the lack of consideration, *especially* if they had asked me for cost-saving advice and then ignored it all in favor of choosing to not provide enough food and drinks for everyone.

[Eagle]

As to the OP my initial thoughts are two words: wedding planner

[Eagle]

From the perspective of LivingAlmsotLarge (LAL) I think we should consider a few things:

Sounds like this relationship (bride and groom) started off on the wrong foot. Sounds too like they didn't plan ahead or consider other people in their rush to get married.

Kids need food and water. The spicy food thing was inconsiderate. As someone who has kids I can relate.

Sounds like there were multiple trips that LAL's family had to make. What was the total cost of all those trips LAL? Not to mention tux rental, etc.

[Gailete]

We spent about $2000 for a wedding where all family and church friends etc. were invited. We paid a cleaning deposit on our church and when all was left in good condition we got it back as it was our church. A friends volunteered to take care of the reception and other than the large wedding cake that we bought via a local grocery store (it was delicious) the rest of the cake and punch reception items were donated. We did a lot of frugal things, but friends also donated services instead of gifts so we got a free wedding video, the photographer only charged for developing the prints. my first wedding I had less than 20 pix to pick 12 out of them for the wedding album and I spent big bucks for that and we didn't have the photos until 6 months after the wedding. This photographer had the prints AND negatives back to us within a week or two! Anyhow it was a lovely wedding. Considering we had it on a Thursday evening AND on Valentine's Day I was surprised at how many showed up but I guess it was a nice romantic thing to do for many of the couples.

There are inexpensive weddings and cheap weddings. An inexpensive weddings has what is needed, while a cheap wedding oozes out the seams with stuff that is obviously faulty. Bird poo on the patio for a wedding reception? totally unacceptable anywhere.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

First off klarose there wasn't sheet cake. READ there wasn't enough cake for everyone. There wasn't food for kids. There wasn't enough drinks, there wasn't a kitchen but rather there was just a serving area for food. And it's fine to expect guests to bus tables and set up. BUT then get coolers, host it at a place where there is a kitchen, and make it obvious we should be getting stuff ourselves.

Second, the emailed invite was sent out April 6th for May 10th. We flew cross country. Now was that appropriate notice? Would you just be shelling out for plane tickets for a family of 4? Would you be shelling out for rental cars, hotels, etc? And this is what we are doing and taking our kids to "dinner" at 730 with food they can't eat? Goldfish crackers and cake.

Third, they asked for tips on saving money? Ignored every single one. Didn't until 2 weeks out negotiate a rack room rate. Negotiated rate was $150. Okay it was a bit much so we something cheaper.

Gailete hit it on the head. It wasn't frugal it was cheap. And we were being hit up for "money" for them. You can tell frugal fun weddings and you can tell cheap.

By the way the bride didn't like the engagement ring (back in january) and made the groom reset the stone in what she picked out and didn't like the stone either so he got a better quality one. He told us this story, fortunately his friend was a diamond dealer and he got a deal, and asked me if I had done that to my DH? My DH said "I wouldn't have married her if she couldn't accept what I could afford." Which by the way he bought the bride platinum because white gold is too cheap.

Yeah it sets the tone. His initial budget for the wedding $20k? I laughed and said double it. Turns out I was probably right, anyone who sends back an engagement ring wouldn't want a wedding for only $20k.

Wedding planner would have been worth every penny.

[Gailete]

My son and DIL had a make it yourself wedding as well. Bride and her mom doing much of the work. I contributed a free wedding dress pattern from my store and her mom made it her unique gown. My DIL being VERY sensitive to the needs of her guests, one being highly allergic to real flowers, proceeded to make all the flowers for the wedding including her bouquet out of ribbons, also all the decorations at the end of the isles. Her mom made the big cake and decorated it with the music notes of the song that my son and DIL had composed for the wedding (CD's of the song were used as favors), she also made a smaller cake for DIL who is allergic to flour & milk so she could comfortably eat some of her wedding cake. As could anyone else with the same allergies. I made the ring bearer pillow. The wedding invites came with a meal check off of either vegetarian (Her sister, et al) or omnivore (LOL-my son!). The food was in a buffet line. I could go on and on but I was completely bowled over by the preparations and the things they did to keep costs down and the things that were truly important to them such as providing food that their guests could and would eat and the photos that went more expensive and let me tell you for those NOT in the situation, doing wedding pictures when both sets of parents are divorced can be difficult as it requires more takes of pictures for parents with the wedding couple and that all increases the costs. Come to think of it the seating can be difficult as well!

Let us just say that when I saw the prep for the wedding and how utterly beautiful this lovely woman was I knew she was exactly what I had ordered for my son. Yet another frugal wedding, but beautiful, and caring about their guests, but I guess when the bride has allergies and others of her family members do as well she was sensitive to it in the planning. No running out of food, no requests for cash money gifts, nothing but let's have fun and celebrate! Weddings, no matter how formal or informal are celebrations, but celebrations for any event can fall flat when people don't pay attention to what the needs of their guests are.

I feel sorry for anyone marrying a girl/lady that isn't satisfied with her ring or the cost of it, but then I begin to think a guy dumb enough to marry a woman like that deserves what he gets because I doubt if it will ever stop, always wanting more and never being satisfied with what a guy can provide. The marriage is bound to stumble and most likely fall flat in not much time. It goes so far beyond frugalness and cheapness, it goes into a different realm entirely. I once worked with a girl that said she had told her boyfriend that she didn't want an engagement ring until it could be a big enough diamond that the weight would make her hand drag on the ground! Doesn't sound like a love match to me.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Gailete I think it was more about looking good and getting money for gifts. I've also indulged in over the top weddings where I roll my eyes. When my 4 year old was the flower girl at 20 months in my cousin's wedding. The dress cost as much as my wedding gown. The wedding itself was insane, but at least the food and drinks were provided since we had to stand there all day for pictures and stuff.

Someone hand carried a tea pot from Canada, because it's the traditional gift his parents give to the wedding couple, and the couple had the nerve to say it wasn't on the registry and would have preferred cash.

[Gailete]

the couple had the nerve to say it wasn't on the registry and would have preferred cash.

No Way! How rude!!! I would have loved it. For my first wedding, my favorite WEDDING gift, given at the wedding mind you, was a mop, broom, etc. I didn't have any so I was very happy to get them given to us instead of having to buy them. But a teapot from Canada, I would have loved. I have one as I went to college up there and a real china cup and saucer with a tiger lily on it (Saskatchewan flowers) given to me by my 'adopted' family. They could tell the first time I was in their house how much I loved pretty china.

Well I guess this is where the term 'bridezilla' comes from. Is there an equivalent for the groom?

[dawnwes]

The wedding is about the couple. Did THEY think the wedding was a nightmare?

My MIL called my wedding "cheap" because I didn't do it the way she wanted me to. Whatever......it wasn't about her.

We had a buffet and a lovely cake. Plenty of food. No alcohol out of choice, we don't drink. We had a lunch time wedding, so it wasn't as much of an issue. MANY people were coming from out of town, so we chose to have a noon wedding so people could drive in and still drive home if they chose and not have to get a hotel.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Gailete, sigh, more like a couple throwing a wedding for the cash. It's what bugs me the most. And the tea pot has big significance for the people who gave it. They give it to everyone special to them a tea pot and money inside. They were neighbors of the groom, and the groom grew up with their son who brought the tea pot to the wedding. Actually Groom, neighbor and my DH grew up together. The neighbors didn't come and cried because the dad ended up in the hospital. So no it's all about the money.

Dawnes most people flew, very few were nearby. Everyone was staying overnight because the wedding went until midnight.

[Like2Plan]

Sometimes weddings don't always go as planned. But, I think there is a difference between selfish, thoughtless and just plain bad luck. The guests will make their own conclusions.

An example of bad luck is planning an event outdoors and it rains. Thoughtless is not having a back up plan if it does rain. Though, it is difficult to think of every possible contingency (especially if you've never planned a major formal event before). Who hasn't had an event where one thing or another didn't go exactly as planned?

I think a good wedding planner could mitigate some of these situations since they have had lots of experience with these types of events. But hiring a planner also adds to the cost.

Yes, it is a couple's special day, but a wedding is often one of the first formal occasions a couple hosts. Being a host calls for caring for the guests, too.

I think serving really spicy food might have been thoughtless--they might have thought everyone would enjoy it. Or, they might not have had enough money in the budget to fund choices beyond the couple's favorites and they didn't care if their guests were fed or not.

I have a proactive policy that I have adopted over the years of attending banquets. I eat a light meal before I attend an event because sometimes there are extended delays and also, I am a kind of a picky eater. If I don't like the food served at the banquet, it is no big deal.

[hobo2]

If attending a bad wedding...

is the worst thing that happens to you today, then I guess you're doing pretty well.

Good grief.

[Gailete]

They give it to everyone special to them a tea pot and money inside.

Having money in a teapot or sugar bowl, ones that don't see everyday service, has been historically a way for a wise housewife to save up bits of her 'egg money' to finance those special things or to deal with emergencies that the husbands hard work couldn't always bring in. Obviously, this may not have been the thought behind this gift, but for me it is a charming custom. They were literally giving the couple a nest egg of sorts. Glad in a way that the couple that gave that gift weren't there to hear how their gift was received.

I have learned over the years to not have any expectations to the gifts I give after working something like 40 hours on a wall hanging for a room my sister was getting redecorated now that her girls (it was their former bedroom) were out of the house it was to be her own retreat. We handed her the gift, she glanced at it, said thanks and immediately put it down. It wasn't in her hand for more than 15 seconds. I realized then that I would no longer throw pearls before pigs so to speak. Most of my sewing 'gifts' are either for people that I absolutely know would appreciate it or for charity such as quilts for the Project Linus program where I will never see the quilt again and never see how well or poorly it is treated. I just tell myself of course the parents and child will be appreciate it, but don't want to see it if they don't. I could just not make things, but how many quilts does one home need in this day and age??? And because I believe that when giving something to a charity program it should be on the same level as something you would give your own family, I can be as creative as I want and spend as much time and effort as I want to make something really nice.

Many of us have so much in this world, that we have grown numb to the lack of others. It seems everyone wants more, more and more stuff and to what purpose? Does it really add any joy to your life or really make your life easier? And why spend $20K+ for a wedding and then just want money gifts? Save the cost of the wedding by going to the city hall and you will have more cash that you probably would have received at the wedding.

Ramblings thoughts late at night, but I think that the original posters' thoughts weren't so much about the horrors of the wedding itself, but the couple's philosophy about money and what chances she gives a marriage built on such a shaky financial foundation. And I agree that the wedding isn't just about the couple, it is a time to enjoy the company of your friends and they with you and it is sort of hard to do that with a hungry tummy, standing around in bird poo.

[dawnwes]

My point was not that I had a noon wedding. My point was that the wedding was THEIR wedding. They get to do it their way. The fact that you thought it was cheap or not good enough is not their issue and I don't understand why it is such a huge deal to you.

We spent less than $10K on our wedding. We did it the way WE wanted because it was OUR wedding. We are still married 20 years later with no intention of divorcing.

Not your wedding.

Dawn

Gailete, sigh, more like a couple throwing a wedding for the cash. It's what bugs me the most. And the tea pot has big significance for the people who gave it. They give it to everyone special to them a tea pot and money inside. They were neighbors of the groom, and the groom grew up with their son who brought the tea pot to the wedding. Actually Groom, neighbor and my DH grew up together. The neighbors didn't come and cried because the dad ended up in the hospital. So no it's all about the money.

Dawnes most people flew, very few were nearby. Everyone was staying overnight because the wedding went until midnight.