Have you ever lied to your spouse about money?

**disneysteve** · 01-19-2014, 05:55 AM

Originally posted by mist View Post

I found out recently that my husband has been lying to me about our finances. He painted a much rosier picture than the reality which allowed him to buy stuff that I would have vetoed had I known the true situation with the finances.

Finances need to be a joint effort. It shouldn't be you or him - it should be both of you.

That doesn't mean that you need to hold hands as you pay the bills or that you need to discuss the investments together in detail but both of you need to know what is happening. My wife and I have periodic "financial dates". I'm the one that handles the financial stuff in our marriage but on these dates we sit down and I review the current spreadsheet and how it compares to the last time we talked. I show her where we're doing well and where we need to focus our attention. We talk about upcoming goals and expenses and how we're going to finance them. Our finances are in pretty good shape so we don't do this often, maybe 3-4 times per year, but in your case, I'd suggest doing it no less than monthly.

**KTP** · 01-19-2014, 06:29 AM

I handle all of the finances but we run a net worth total each month so she knows the overall picture. She makes the money, I invest it, we both spend it. The only slight arguments we get into about money is usually because I am so cheap and don't want to spend for anything.

**cschin4** · 01-19-2014, 06:35 AM

We get along very well about our finances so there was never a reason to lie. We have always jointly combined everything so we both know where everything is going. However, that doesn't mean we each don't purchase what we want. I don't inform DH of every purchase. I buy what I want and he does too. I think it is a bigger issue if you are having financial problems.
As for the OP, I think you CAN trust him again. Marriage is a work in progress and working through difficulties together. He may have painted a rosy picture because he didn't want to worry you or maybe he really just isnt' very smart about money. But either way, now is the TIME for both of you to come together as a team and understand how you want to approach it. Don't take it as an occasion for fingerpointing or driving a wedge between you. We all make mistakes so don't assume the worst motive of the person you love who loves you.

**TBH** · 01-19-2014, 11:31 AM

If he just exaggerated in one direction or another that's one thing. Then that's probably partly self-delusion also. He might have convinced himself your financial situation was okay because he couldn't face the truth. But if he out-and-out lied to you, I would have a pretty hard time forgiving that. I would absolutely never let him manage the finances again and I'd also make sure he didn't have access to the family's savings accounts or high-limit credit cards.

**ua_guy** · 01-27-2014, 08:04 AM

I think if his interpretation of your financial situation doesn't match yours, it's something you guys need to work on as a couple. I don't think it's his fault or yours, but both of you need to work on transparency, and maritial finances need to be full disclosure/ both people see the balance sheet on a monthly basis. In my opinion, one person shouldn't "handle" the household finances. One person can be responsible for cutting the checks and tracking that things are paid on time, but in reality, both of you need to be sitting down and taking a look at the bills every month.

This is something I do with my significant other. We gather the bills, review statements, where and what we are spending, and if there are issues, we put a plan in place to take care of the issue in the following months. Every month we both have a stunningly clear of where all of our money is coming from, and exactly where it is going.

**kyoko** · 01-27-2014, 10:35 AM

I don't think you did anything wrong trusting him and letting him handle money. Perhaps you didn't even dream about something like this would happen. So please don't blame yourself. I understand you feel betrayed and violated, but as many people here said, it is the opportunity to work together as a couple to make it better.

I would, however, recommend you take back in charge of finance but get him involved and openly discuss your financial situation at least twice a month.

Good luck..!

**rmhop81** · 01-28-2014, 11:14 AM

Originally posted by mist View Post

I found out recently that my husband has been lying to me about our finances. He painted a much rosier picture than the reality which allowed him to buy stuff that I would have vetoed had I known the true situation with the finances.

I feel violated and I'm not sure that I can trust him again in this area. I had been taking care of our money for a long time, but he said he wanted to take it over so that he could contribute more to the family. I thought it would be a great idea, but now I'm so mad at myself.

Was I wrong for trusting him when he offered? Can I ever trust him again with money? Has anyone else had a spouse betray them by lying about money and how did you deal with it?

what is his reason for lying? Has it always been just only 1 person in the family in charge of the money and the other person not involved at all?

I am in charge of the money, but the wife knows all the bank logins etc and signs in every so often to check how we are doing. not bc she doesn't trust me, but bc she wants the ability to have access to look when she wants. sounds like he can't be trusted and you both need to work together or you take it back completely. Why was he never involved in the first place?

Have you ever lied to your spouse about money?