Dealing with Cheapskates

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Okay so I am visiting with my in-laws for Thanksgiving. Life is good in some ways and not in others. So i have to comment on a few behaviors that I think are a little cheap.

No napkins in the house. They lick their fingers while eating and when I asked for some (I have two kids 3 and 1) to use kleenex. I feel awful but I began taking napkins from fast food places we go to. I tried to buy some from the store and they said why. Arrgh.

Ran out of dish soap and laundry detergent. Gotta go to costco and get them some. They have one small trash can and are horrified that we fill it with diapers easily in one day. Height 12 inches, width 4" by 6". Again I am not sure what to do, I'd offer to buy a new trash bin but they try to stack it higher and higher because the trash can is smaller than even a grocery bag.

Saturday we were parking at the super busy mall. My FIL turned off the car to save gas while waiting for someone to leave their spot, but left car on to keep heat on and radio. It died and we were fortunate to be waiting for a spot because we pushed the minivan into the spot. Fortunately my DH and I also had AAA so they came to help us. Mind you this is -10 C weather. And it was a 1996 minivan. I asked why they don't get AAA when they have older cars (ie about 20 years) and they said it's not worth it. Of course we visit once a year and this has happened pretty much everytime we visit but we have AAA. We've had their old cars towed or jumped. They like to think that it wouldn't be worth it, but waiting 2 hours on top of pushing the minivan, arrgh.

It is always like this with them. Penny wise and pound foolish with everything. They are always so concerned. They reroofed their house themselves because they felt that the roofers were overcharging at $5k. So they spent $800 and went up themselves and fell off the roof and broke a hip this past summer and they are 61 and 63.

Next they complained about the two windows they replaced for $5k. Why so expensive? Big bay windows but they refuse to acknowledge that two windows could be expensive that are 8 x 10 two of them.

Then they told us to be careful showering because they tried to replace the shower soap holder but broke the tiles around because though it's a screw in, it was motared in. So they cracked the tiles and because it is original 1975 they couldn't find replacement tiles. So long story instead of fixing it we have to tape over the plastic over the hole so water won't go in when we shower.

Am I completely off base? I am on this site because I feel like I'm pretty frugal but my in-laws I swear are cheap not frugal and yet make me feel like the most wasteful person ever.

[kork13]

One side of my grandparents is that way, now ~80-ish yrs old... Believe me, I TOTALLY understand & commiserate with everything you're saying... My father (it's his side) lived with it, but my mother (and the rest of us) just couldn't deal with the ... lunacy? .... so my family finally decided not to stay with them when we visited. We just get hotel rooms or whatever and keep our separate spaces in order to keep the peace. Some of the supremely cheapskate habits still grate on the nerves, but at least with the separation, we could grin & bear it for a little while then go back to our own place for some peace and sanity. I know that they'll gripe about the waste of money spent in lodging costs (at least mine would/did), but it can easily be explained away, needing privacy & some freedom to explore, don't want to impose, whatever they'll accept.... or if nothing else, simply ignore the complaints. In the end, just like with an obsessive packrat, you can't be a party to their madness. My opinion, and perhaps I'm a bit cold-hearted, but so be it.

[disneysteve]

We've had these discussions before - cheap vs. frugal. They are not the same thing. The behavior you are describing borders on mental illness. Cutting costs to lessen unnecessary spending is fine and something we all encourage. Putting your life at risk to avoid paying a roofer in not okay. Wiping your hands on your pants rather than using napkins makes no sense. I can understand not wanting to use disposable paper napkins, so buy cloth ones and wash them. That's what we do.

What would I do in that situation? I would bring everything I knew I would need that wouldn't be provided for me. If they didn't like it, I'd let them know that the other option is me not coming at all. There is no reason that you need to participate in their craziness.

[Snydley]

You had me at no napkins. Ridiculous!!

[bjl584]

They are definitely beyond frugal and anything that makes any sense.

Take your own supplies, drive your own car if you go shopping, and be thankful that you only have to deal with this around the holidays.

[neatdesign]

I asked why they don't get AAA when they have older cars (ie about 20 years) and they said it's not worth it. Of course we visit once a year and this has happened pretty much everytime we visit but we have AAA. We've had their old cars towed or jumped. They like to think that it wouldn't be worth it, but waiting 2 hours on top of pushing the minivan, arrgh.

Maybe next time this happens you should tell them that you took their advice and cancelled your AAA coverage and are thrilled by the extra money you're saving. Then when their car dies during your next visit (which sounds inevitable), then oops, they won't be able to benefit from your AAA coverage.

I realize this sounds petty but seriously, they can't have it both ways. They either choose to have older, crappy cars with roadside assistance coverage, or they choose to have younger, better cars without it. They can use the money they save by not buying napkins or large trash can bags to pay for their AAA coverage.

[cschin4]

Well, whether what they are doing or not makes sense is really irrelevant. If you want to vent, then this of course is the place. But, they have their own life and their own ways. Nobody is "right" or wrong. So, letting it bother you is just an exercise in futility and a waste of time. Accept them for who they are and that is their way. However, you are allowed to have your ways in your home as well. And, don't let their cheapness influence you either. If you go on vacation for them for example, just keep everything separate. If they want a cheap hotel, they can stay in the cheap hotel and you can stay at the Ritz or where you want. Same with eating out, you can invite to say, we are going out to dine at X. If they balk at the price, you just say, well that is where we are going if you would like to come.
My point is to let them be who they are and you be who you are. You aren't going to change them nor should you. Let it ride.

[97guns]

went to a store with my brother for fixins for a cheese cake on a familt dinner night, we picked out all the ingredients and threw them on the conveyer belt, as soon as the checker starts ringing the stuff up he jumps up and says "I NEED COUGH DROPS" and runs to the back of the store leaving me holding the bag

[disneysteve]

Well, whether what they are doing or not makes sense is really irrelevant.

That's true right up to the point where it impacts other people. LAL has given a couple of examples of how the in-laws' behavior affects other family members who are visiting. So then the choice becomes either don't visit anymore or do something to compensate for the bad behavior. That's why I suggested bringing along whatever you know you'll need that they won't provide. I'd have no trouble pulling out a stack of napkins so that my family doesn't need to wipe their hands on their pants.

[atomicrc11]

Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt. I have complete empathy for you. We all have family issues in one way or another. My family has an issue with communication and lavish spending. If I do not purchase something of the quality my family thinks I should, I am berated for purchasing something "cheap". I was clear that they are welcome to stay, but I make my own decisions on what is appropriate for my family. They were not happy and stayed away for a while but things got better.

Since in your situation you are going to them, as suggested above bring what you need and if they balk at your actions let them know lodging with them is not the only option. Sometimes it causes friction but I am not a person who is willing to play the passive-aggressive game, nor participate in one. I let people know how I feel in the best way I can communicate with them. Sometimes the truth hurts but expressing your opinion in a respectful way is the best modus operandi in my opinion.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Oh I tried to buy napkins but was told why? It's a waste. And we wouldn't use it after we leave. Same with a few other "Needs" I wanted to buy. I need to sneak to the store next time after we arrive without my in-laws looking at everything we buy.

My DH and I rented a car but when my FIL found out he was insulted so we cancelled it. He insisted he was picking us up and driving us. Sigh. We tried to book a hotel but they were exceptionally hurt and made us feel bad.

I tried with my parents as well and that was epic fail so I give up on staying in our own place unless we are not going to our hometowns then we get our own space. They feel like we're saying their homes aren't good enough for us.

Trust me my MIL was like "why would you check luggage," you have a seat for my DD so just carry another carry-on. Like we didn't have enough with two kids, two strollers, and two handcarry period.

I've contemplated what would happen if we didn't have aaa. They have needed a tow before and said it was less than AAA. It wasn't.

These are the same people that I shoveled snow for when 8 months pregnant at my house. Bums. Seriously lazy and cheap.

I was told they don't want to ruin the deck they built on the house so they don't put down salt on the wood. So instead please hold onto the railing so we don't slip on the ice. And my DH went out to chip the ice and was told not to because he would damage the deck. So I grab the railing and hang on to my DD1 while my DH manuvers with our DD2 down the deck and steps to the car. I should take a photo of the ice. Again I offered to buy salt to throw down but was told they certainly weren't going to use it or let us use it.

My in-laws also don't shovel the front walk so they have been refused mail delivery and left nasty letters from the post office and neighbors. I made my DH shovel the drive for us and do his best to chip the ice on the walk.

So yes the weirdness does affect us. At least stolen napkins are okay.

[sroot19]

oh yeah...

oh yeah, they would definitely drive me crazy, you are not off base at all.

[kork13]

My DH and I rented a car but when my FIL found out he was insulted so we cancelled it. He insisted he was picking us up and driving us. Sigh. We tried to book a hotel but they were exceptionally hurt and made us feel bad.

ugh... my grandmother did the EXACT same thing to us with a rental car... My family was all coming into town for a funeral, and my father had asked her (his mother/my GM) to pick up the rental car for us, since we were arriving after the dealership closed for the night. My father had already paid for the rental, and had it all set up (to include having her listed as another driver so she could pick it up for us). We get to the airport (all 4 of us), and she meets us at the curb in her tiny little chevy cavalier... 5 people + luggage for a week, into a car that barely fits 4 people & 2 suitcases... hmm... Well, turns out she thought the rental car was a waste, so she cancelled it for us, and couldn't understand why we were upset & frustrated with her for "saving us the cost of the rental." So we ended up having to borrow a family friend's vehicle, which worked, but inconvenienced & imposed on a good friend because her household of 7 people now had to share 2 cars (one of which was a farm truck) between 4 drivers.

I hate to sound so cold-hearted -- I love my grandmother as my grandmother, and I know that much of it is simply the way she grew up & lived her life... But most of her extreme penny-pinching habits drive me absolutely insane, and sadly I find that I normally can't spend more than a few hours at a time around her.

I can be harshly blunt sometimes, and instances like this bring out the worst of that in me. I'm totally okay with telling someone that I can't deal with their obsessions & neuroticism, and that I'm not willing to be around them or be a participant (or victim) of their insanity. My advice: hold your ground, don't allow yourself to be bullied into accepting their compulsion to be ultra-cheapskates. When you choose to visit, do so on your own terms. Stay in your own hotel room, drive yourself or get a rental car, go out to eat when you like (invite them or don't, as you please), and so on... You're grown adults with your own family. Take care of your own, first and foremost. They may (will) be a bit miffed at you initially, but trust me... if you're firm but loving about it, they'll learn to accept & live with the arrangement.

[Like2Plan]

Oh I tried to buy napkins but was told why? It's a waste. And we wouldn't use it after we leave. Same with a few other "Needs" I wanted to buy. I need to sneak to the store next time after we arrive without my in-laws looking at everything we buy.

My DH and I rented a car but when my FIL found out he was insulted so we cancelled it. He insisted he was picking us up and driving us. Sigh. We tried to book a hotel but they were exceptionally hurt and made us feel bad.

I tried with my parents as well and that was epic fail so I give up on staying in our own place unless we are not going to our hometowns then we get our own space. They feel like we're saying their homes aren't good enough for us.

Trust me my MIL was like "why would you check luggage," you have a seat for my DD so just carry another carry-on. Like we didn't have enough with two kids, two strollers, and two handcarry period.

I've contemplated what would happen if we didn't have aaa. They have needed a tow before and said it was less than AAA. It wasn't.

These are the same people that I shoveled snow for when 8 months pregnant at my house. Bums. Seriously lazy and cheap.

I was told they don't want to ruin the deck they built on the house so they don't put down salt on the wood. So instead please hold onto the railing so we don't slip on the ice. And my DH went out to chip the ice and was told not to because he would damage the deck. So I grab the railing and hang on to my DD1 while my DH manuvers with our DD2 down the deck and steps to the car. I should take a photo of the ice. Again I offered to buy salt to throw down but was told they certainly weren't going to use it or let us use it.

My in-laws also don't shovel the front walk so they have been refused mail delivery and left nasty letters from the post office and neighbors. I made my DH shovel the drive for us and do his best to chip the ice on the walk.

So yes the weirdness does affect us. At least stolen napkins are okay.

I wouldn't buy into the madness. It's more than just you and your DH that you have to look out for. (Personally, I like to have my own space anyway, so it is no reflection on my hosts.) When DH and I were younger we did stay with his Mom. My MIL chain smokes. I can't take it. So, now we stay in a hotel. We pick her up and go sightseeing for the day and we take her out to dinner.
And, I look forward to the visits.
I would rent a car--no way would I put my babies at risk in subzero weather in a car that routinely breaks down. And, I would stay in a hotel. It sounds to me that they routinely overstep boundaries--you and your DH are adults with kids of your own and they need to treat you as such. Respecting your decision to check bags, rent a car or stay in a hotel (if you decide to) would be a good start.

[cschin4]

That's true right up to the point where it impacts other people. LAL has given a couple of examples of how the in-laws' behavior affects other family members who are visiting. So then the choice becomes either don't visit anymore or do something to compensate for the bad behavior. That's why I suggested bringing along whatever you know you'll need that they won't provide. I'd have no trouble pulling out a stack of napkins so that my family doesn't need to wipe their hands on their pants.

Well, I personally like a low drama life. So, choosing to make other people's issues into things that aggravate you, well that is your choice. They are who they are. Who cares? Toss a couple of napkins on the purse for dinner. Whatever. What someone else does doesn't "impact" you if you choose to not make an issue of it. To me, I just don't have the energy to do battle trying to convert everyone to living life exactly the way I do? Are they cheap? Yes, now what? Live and let live.