Choosing to be happy

[ua_guy]

I would agree with the OP. I've read a few books like that, and a lot of them align on what happiness is (a combination of genetic, environmental/external, and cognitive/learned factors). That model is a nod to all types of happy and unhappy people, but I think the "percentages" of happiness that each of those factors comprise is debatable and could vary by the individual.

Personally, I believe happiness is an "inside job." It's a utilization of the model above, and requires an introspective look and deeper understanding of oneself. This is not "choosing" to be happy in light of everything else, it is an ongoing effort and working towards being able to experience happy moments and otherwise maintain a neutral, non-negative, non-destructive, state of being.

Happiness doesn't come easily for me from a genetic standpoint. That means I really have to manage the external/environmental influences in my life, as well as be acutely aware of my perceptions and thoughts. That doesn't mean I experience happiness when I manage those things well; it means I can follow a more common/normal pattern of happiness/unhappiness and levels of both. In other words, by managing those things, I can make the unhappy times shallower and shorter, and be able to better enjoy the happy moments when they come.

In my day-to-day, the goal is to eat and sleep well to regulate my moods and state of being. Happiness is doing a variety of different things; those vary for everyone; but my goal is to get at least one of those things in, every day. An important piece of that for me is introspection, to listen to my own thoughts and put together a picture of how I'm doing. What can I change? What do I need? Overall, how are things going? And-- appropriately sizing and priortizing issues.

[hamchan]

Nobody is saying that clinical depression doesn't exist or can be fixed by changing your attitude.

Maybe no one has said that in this thread, but it's an attitude I come across frequently out in the world.

[FrugalFish]

Okay, I'll go out on a limb here and share my thoughts.

I've traveled some pretty dark roads in my time starting with a dysfunctional family where we were expected to be happy at all times, or face some negative consequences. I struggled for decades feeling like a person who just couldn't be happy.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that being a happy person is a myth. It's purely not natural IMO. Happiness is a state of emotion that waxes and wanes- just as sadness. Sure, some people might be able to spend more time on the upswing, but life is a series of ups and downs and being perpetually happy is unrealistic, at least for me. Sometimes really awful things happen and it's more than okay to not have any inklings of happiness during such times, even if they last an extended period of time. That doesn't mean you get to be a jerk to everyone around you, it just means that it's not necessary to feel good all the time or paste on a smile if there's no reason to smile.

What I've come to learn about myself is to practice acceptance and contentment. These are more realistic states to maintain in the presence of whatever you are facing at any given time. Happiness, at least as it was taught to me, is a state of joyfulness. Contentment is taking the good the with the bad and finding peace with it. Maybe that is how some people, who feel naturally happy, would define happiness. I don't know, but the inability for me to find peace for many years stemmed from an expectation of smiling and whistling in the face of adversity- which for me is not possible- it seems like this is a negative trend I see socially around me as well, people are desperate to achieve and maintain a perpetual state of happiness, so when they don't feel joyful even part of the time, it makes them even more depressed than before.

[shaggy]

Okay, I'll go out on a limb here and share my thoughts.

I've traveled some pretty dark roads in my time starting with a dysfunctional family where we were expected to be happy at all times, or face some negative consequences. I struggled for decades feeling like a person who just couldn't be happy.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that being a happy person is a myth. It's purely not natural IMO. Happiness is a state of emotion that waxes and wanes- just as sadness. Sure, some people might be able to spend more time on the upswing, but life is a series of ups and downs and being perpetually happy is unrealistic, at least for me. Sometimes really awful things happen and it's more than okay to not have any inklings of happiness during such times, even if they last an extended period of time. That doesn't mean you get to be a jerk to everyone around you, it just means that it's not necessary to feel good all the time or paste on a smile if there's no reason to smile.

Completely agree with you.

"Think yourself happy" is often a recipe for unhealthy denial IMO.

Chasing "happiness" caused a lot of grief in my life. Now I prefer to think in terms of "serenity", not happiness.

[ua_guy]

Okay, I'll go out on a limb here and share my thoughts.

I've traveled some pretty dark roads in my time starting with a dysfunctional family where we were expected to be happy at all times, or face some negative consequences. I struggled for decades feeling like a person who just couldn't be happy.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that being a happy person is a myth. It's purely not natural IMO. Happiness is a state of emotion that waxes and wanes- just as sadness. Sure, some people might be able to spend more time on the upswing, but life is a series of ups and downs and being perpetually happy is unrealistic, at least for me. Sometimes really awful things happen and it's more than okay to not have any inklings of happiness during such times, even if they last an extended period of time. That doesn't mean you get to be a jerk to everyone around you, it just means that it's not necessary to feel good all the time or paste on a smile if there's no reason to smile.

What I've come to learn about myself is to practice acceptance and contentment. These are more realistic states to maintain in the presence of whatever you are facing at any given time. Happiness, at least as it was taught to me, is a state of joyfulness. Contentment is taking the good the with the bad and finding peace with it. Maybe that is how some people, who feel naturally happy, would define happiness. I don't know, but the inability for me to find peace for many years stemmed from an expectation of smiling and whistling in the face of adversity- which for me is not possible- it seems like this is a negative trend I see socially around me as well, people are desperate to achieve and maintain a perpetual state of happiness, so when they don't feel joyful even part of the time, it makes them even more depressed than before.

Well said. That's a very good differentiation, happiness versus contentment.