Talking about money

[rvtgirl]

I grew up with a single mother, money was never discussed, she earned all the money and spent it as needed. If us kids asked for money she would give it to us (or buy whatever it was we wanted) and if the money wasn't there the answer was no. My mom (recently) admitted she has no idea how to budget, she earned enough money that she really didn't have to think about her income, except for large purchases like a car. Even in that case she would save up enough to buy the car outright in a few months and carried no debt.

My fiance's life growing up was similar, money wasn't talked about. He has strong ideas about the man being the provider and after a job loss that ate up a lot of savings and created credit card debt, I have realized that we are dealing with money the way we were raised - don't talk about it. Except we aren't earning enough to not talk/think about it.

Every time the money subject comes up, the conversation quickly goes downhill, he seems to think that it makes him less of a man, which isn't the case at all. The economy was really bad, and a lot of people lost their jobs. Now he is working but he is focused on paying off his credit card debt and building his savings before helping on household bills. I meanwhile, still have debt and am struggling to pay it off. I need us to come up with a budget but have no idea how to start the conversation, how to keep the conversation from going downhill and how to decide how much each should pay.

Our monthly income can vary from month to month and since he was out of work until recently if you look at last years taxes I made more than him, so how do we come up with a balance?

[Redraidernurse]

Combining finances before marriage can lead to very sticky situations. Especially if you are both paying down debt. If he is saddling you with the household bill so he can pay off his own debt & bills, that's a huge red flag. If you are living together, it should be a roommate type situation for household costs, 50/50.

[breathemusic]

Before you bother with planning a budget based on your income, you first should make a list of your expenses. pull all your bank and credit card statements for the past few months and look at the bills you pay. Figure out what you're spending on EVERYTHING and then categorize it into needs (rent, utilities, food) and wants. Then compare that to your income. If your income varies, consider looking at a worst case scenario and look at the months that you didn't make as much. See how your expenses compare to what you made, and also look at what you can cut from your expenses. Maybe you'll see that you spend way too much on clothes or eating out, etc. Maybe you already don't buy much more than you need and you just need to focus on what should be paid first.

But in general, your monthly needs (rent, utilities, basic food, minimums on credit cards and loans) should be paid first. Then any extra can be applied toward paying down debt faster.

[Baby_nurse]

First of all, he should be pulling his own weight on current bills. What his fair share is depends on the 2 of you. It might be 50/50 or it could be a percentage of income based upon what both of you make.

Why on earth would you let him think that his past bills are more important than yours? You are setting your self up for a financial disaster.

[snafu]

Talking about money and personal finance will be something new and out of the comfort zone for you both. If fiance saw you with a stack of library magazines like "MONEY," or 'KIPLINGERS,' that offer easy to read articles whose lifestyle and problems are easy to identify with it might open a door for conversation. I don't suggest buying these because it's a *one read* so library works best and has older and back issues.

Were you looking for conversation openers something like...I want to be smarter about money. Many guys co operate with openers like ...can you help me figure out.... what do you think about...etc. News reports about the economy, or credit card rates or planning now to minimize the tax bite later all talk about money in a non threatening thread. If he gives defensive answers keep bringing it back to current and moving forward by the end of summer...by Labour day, by Thanksgiving etc. 'what do you anticipate?'

Getting on the same road financially is important in any relationship but it can take time, takes work and there are nearly endless roadblocks. DH often comments that everyone has a hand in his wallet. As mentioned, currently you each need to maintain your own accounts - kept quite separate. Many couples also open a low cost joint account to pay joint expenses like rent/mortgage, utilities, food, transportation, insurance and whatever they agree are shared expense. Each individuals also has their personal expenses like SL, CC car payments and what they keep separate.

The couples I know pay joint expenses based on salary percentages with the higher earner paying a higher percentage. A lot of SA participants split joint costs 50-50. Any purchases over $ X. require agreement on all the details. Couples need to decide what works best in their circumstances.

[rvtgirl]

Update

Thank you everyone for your input. I am pleased to say that we have started talking about money. Not our finances but money habits in general and the fact that we need to come up with budgets.

This weekend (being a holiday) has been very busy with family in town, so next weekend we are going to pull our bank statements, look at our expenses, figure out our debt, minimum payments, interest rates, total amounts owed and we are each going to create a budget for ourselves.

Since he just started a new job and our income varies we are going to create a general budget based on percentages for the year and a more specific budget for the month of June. We are going to sit down with our bills and budget at least once a month so reassess.

As time goes on, we will be able have to adjust things, with his job being new and my interest rate increasing in Sept.

I am just so happy the conversation has started and he is agreeing for the need to change the way we do things!