Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

**cercis** · 02-04-2006, 10:37 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

I'm of 2 minds on this. The first says "if you wait to afford a child to have a child, you'll never have a child."

The other says "your children are suffering because you can't afford to give them lessons and may not be able to afford a good college."

When I hear about people who have 4 & 5 year olds who are excelling in some sport or another, I wonder what my child might be good at if I could just afford to expose him to it.

I agree that having money or not having it doesn't make a good or bad parent. But I'll tell you this - if you're stressing to pay the bills, that will come out. You will be short and snappish. Maybe not with your kids, but with someone and your kids will see that. Your kids will pick up on your stress and internalize it.

Having money doesn't make you a good parent, but having enough money to pay the bills makes it easier to be a good parent.

But it's all academic for your friend. She's already pregnant, what's she supposed to do now? Abort it? Or was the other friend suggesting she (other friend) adopt the baby?

The thing is, money and money problems can be ephemeral. You never know what tomorrow will bring. The business that isn't doing well today could find a niche market tomorrow and succeed beyond your wildest imagination. The person who has tons of money today could wake up tomorrow to find that her investments have failed (and it can happen even with "safe" investments).

**frugalfarmwife** · 02-04-2006, 11:17 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

At least your friend is someone who is TRYING to better themselves and pay off the bills, even if things are short they're working people who will try!

Now I for one will not pass judgement on having children, I don't have any and trust me the world is a better place for it, not all of us are fit to be parents.

Now what really burns me no end are those that aren't physically/mentally capable of working yet sure can pop out the kids, they make me want to SCREAM! I'm not talking about stories I've heard but things I've seen first hand. My best friend has a brother in law that is married now to a girl that is 25 (he's 48, has a "bad" back and can't work but sure can sit at the computer all day and find all the free food at churches in town) His wife has 3 kids from three different guys yet is on lifetime disability because she doesn't function high enough to work at all! The kids? first one at 18, second one at 19, the third one at 21, yes all on purpose, and in fact the Drs. put her on fertility drugs for the third one because she kept miscarrying and insisted she wanted a girl before she was done having kids! They all get SS, disability and or food stamps and will for the rest of their lifes, and WE are all paying for it! Meanwhile hard working people that have the sense NOT to bring a kid into the world until they're ready are holding off.

As my mom says, if we're not careful these may be the only ones procreating in the future and then the worlds going to be in BIG trouble!

lol, sorry for the rant!

BTW, that was INCREDIBLY RUDE AND THOUGHTLESS for the woman to say to your friend!

kj

**Lori63** · 02-05-2006, 03:17 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

If I would have waited to be financially secure I wouldn't have my three boys (17,14 and 10).
We have had some tough times, but we have never had to be on welfare,etc.
I feel all factors being equal that having debt is one of the least reasons to not have a child. What I mean is, a good work ethic, common sense, morals,-there are so many other things that go into being a good parent.

**Lostsoul33** · 02-05-2006, 04:36 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

I really don't need to type anything. Cercis said it all for me. My thoughts exactly.

**katwoman** · 02-05-2006, 04:39 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

It's going to be tough, but if they're good people they may just pull it off.

I had a friend who had to stay home from work after 3 months of pregnancy. Husband had to shoulder the financial burden and was putting a lot of things on the credit cards. Well.........after the baby came her job found a excuse to let her go! After 6 years of working at this bank they screwed her. Plunged them deeper into debt. Finally the husband declared BK.

BUT....they pulled through! She found another job (after having to work one year for next to nothing) and they sold their home (they made a great profit) and bought another in a better location.

Their child is exceptional! That kid was THE most well behaved kid I had ever known. The parents were very conscious of maintaining a calm, ordered home envirionment despite what was going on financially.

Marla, why don't you and your friends get together and stockpile diapers, wipes and other baby products for your pregnant friend? That would be a very nice gesture and a great help!

**Ima saver** · 02-05-2006, 08:49 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

I know of someone in my family who should not have had kids. They could not even pay their bills, but she had one kid after another. Her 2nd husband taught her all about the system so she went on welfare and food stamps. She had complete medical coverage for nothing and was always claiming to be sick. Of course the births were free, all 5 of them. She would not work at all and had 5 kids from 3 different guys.
She is 36 now and still not working, trying to get disability. She lays on the couch and eats all day, all the way up to 300 pounds.
When the kids got older, she got tired of them. She gave the 2 oldest girls to their grandmother. The oldest boy (who is not related to the grandmother) came to visit last summer and the mother has not come to get him yet. great life for those kids!! She won't even call them and she lives in another state.
No,I don't believe you should have kids until you can afford them.

**PRICEPLUS** · 02-05-2006, 10:17 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

My parents were poor as church mice and had 9 of us. We were kept clothed, fed, and we were educated. We turned out okay. Yes. Have your kids but be responsible for them!

**Ima saver** · 02-05-2006, 11:05 AM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

We were poor after my father died, but my mother would never take welfare and food stamps. I got a job at age 12 and went to work and we lived on what we made, which wasn't much.

**Lemony** · 02-05-2006, 12:02 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

There are good parents in all socioeconomic backgrounds. There are also bad parents. I don't think one's wealth should determine whether they are "worthy" of having kids or not.

If your friend is doing her best to work on paying down debt, then she's doing better than a lot of Americans. What the other woman said was just plain rude.

**abowers** · 02-05-2006, 01:40 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

If this woman is expecting a child in 4 months there is not much that can be done about it now...If they are tight on money they can get some of the things they need from garage sales or at her baby shower, or maybe from friends that have already had children.

I'm not married yet, but at 22 I would not want to have children yet because I'm making just enough money to support myself, and I'm working on paying off loans from college. I don't plan on having children until at least my late 20's after I will have earned my master's degree and worked for a couple years. My boyfriend and I have even talked about it-- I would like to work for a while, save up some money, he will be making big bucks with his PhD and I would presumably stay home, or at least only work part time until a child/the children were in elementary school. This is a long ways off though.

I'm not going to tell other people what to do with their lives, but I don't think it would be fair for me to have a child when I'm worrying about supporting myself right now. It would make me a very stressed parent and I don't think I would be able to devote the time and energy to a child that I'd like to be able to.

**PrincessPerky** · 02-05-2006, 02:05 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

Kids are not 'financial burdens' they are kids, I love mine no matter the cost.

And for some they help us be better people (even financially) for others, well they prolly wouldn't do so well regardless.

And while many are angry over being 'poor' many have no idea what poor really is, I can feed my kids, I can clothe them and keep them under shelter. I am rich.

**robex** · 02-05-2006, 02:21 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

Princess Perky, I like your explanation!

If you can afford food, housing, and clothes for your family, then you certainly have the basics for their care. Being a good parent has nothing to do with being able to pay for extracurricular activities. We have friends who have loads of money and their kids are involved in everything under the sun...cost is not an issue. Those kids are two of the biggest brats I've ever met!

When we had our third baby we were living in a two bedroom, 900 square foot townhouse. We couldn't afford to move at that point, but we were fortunate to give our other kids a new baby brother to love!

**jodi** · 02-05-2006, 05:43 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

Ditto on the previous few posts - having or not having money does not in itself make one a good or bad parents, providing a parent can feed, clothe, and take care of their child's medical needs. If those basics are not met, then perhaps they should wait and work on the budget.
However, that being said...I personally want to raise my kids as though we have less money than we do. IMO, which I am sure many will disagree with, kids do not need their own tvs and computers, lessons from the time they are 3 years old, to go to the "best" schools, to wear name brand clothes, etc etc. My kids are going to play outside, use their imaginations, color and draw, build with simple blocks, go to public school, wear thrift store clothes and their older siblings hand-me-downs, eat homemade food and veggies we grow in the garden...they same as I did. And I think they will be just as "privileged" as any kids whose parents think it really does take $100k to raise a child. And I am certain that they will appreciate what they do have.

**Snoopy2645** · 02-05-2006, 07:11 PM

Re: Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?

Well I am not sure on this one I know I wouldnt have had my kids if I waited till I could afford them but after each was born I found away to support them. And I did work hard threw my first 2 pregnancies to have enough to support them when they came & I never went on welfare either!! I always found a way to make money & pay for things like gymnastics lessons & outings even as a young single mom.

But it is disappointing to me that some peoples kids want to play ball & go to outings & the parents cant pay because they are too deep in debt it just dont seem fair to those kids ya know. So I guess my point is you can make money to pay for kids but if you are deep in debt maybe you should wait until you are out to pay for them. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope it does.

Is it fair to have a child if you're poor?