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I have just recently ended a 17 year friendship with a woman, who is turning 40 years old in August, due to the fact that she is the true "epitome" of the enabled adult child in my opinion. Her parent's constant enabling (financially and emotionally) allows her to consistently make poor choices that are detrimental to her and to her children. I also know that I too have been enabling her by always coming to her rescue though she lives 5 hrs away from me in another state. I finally realize that this woman will never get her life together and be able to stand on her own two feet. Her life WILL continue to be filled with chaos and problems!
She has had two miserable marriages with men who have abused her and her children: emotionally, physically and sexually. She has had a boyfriend do the same, and though my "friend's" daughter told her mother about the abuse (with both men), my "friend" did nothing. She just gave birth to the 2nd soon to be ex-husband's daughter (he doesn't even claim the child), and he was molesting her daughter from her 1st marriage. To make matters worse, she didn't leave him- he left her for her other "best friend" after beating her up while she was pregnant.
For the last 10 years her parents have been financially paying through the nose through her marriages and her divorces (as have I). Her brother spends much of his spare time trying to help her keep up with her home. She has a job, but doesn't even make $30K a year and thus cannot afford 3 children. None of the father's of her children pay child support and that's Ok with her, because her parents keep paying her bills, and she has been able to count on me financially as well.
She also has a hoarding problem. In January of this year, I paid $8K to have her home cleaned out and deep cleaned so that DHR would not take away her children. She also has many animals including 2 wolves that she allows around her children and which are dangerous. The cats pee and poop everywhere. I even found out from the lady in charge of the hoarding clean-up that my "friend's" daughter had cat feces in her bed and the child had obviously been sleeping in it for a long time! This child is 11 years old, and I find it very disturbing that she thinks sleeping in cat poop is OK.
I just visited this "friend" for the birth of the baby, and found myself deep cleaning the house, washing all the clothes, bedding, etc in order to get ready for the new baby. She even asked me to be in the room for the C-Section! I then brought her 2 children home with me for 10 days so that she could focus on the baby. This last stint cost me another $3K.
During the time that her children were with me, her Mom and Aunt stayed with her constantly, bringing her food and attending to her every whim. The entire time her children were with me, I spoke to her once on the phone and all she could say was how depressed she was.
Her 9 year old son obviously has problems (how could he not), some of which were exhibited at my home by his violent outbursts including throwing a full coke can at my living room walls, pooping on the floor of my bathroom (then rubbing it into the rug and towel and not even telling me about it- I walked into the bathroom and found the mess), and throwing my 3 pound dog across the room so that she landed on her head!
Needless to say, having her children stay with me was no "joy ride" and I couldn't wait for them to leave. I also fell behind on my business due to the 2 weeks I spent attending to her and her children. Sadly, my "friend" did not even have the decency to tell me that the children made it home safely nor to thank me for keeping them for 2 weeks.
I also found out through her mother, that the wolves are now back at her home. She had just gotten rid of the wolves, but after one of them "put his mouth around a child's head", the couple that took the wolves immediately brought them back.
I realize this friend did not tell me that the wolves were back, because she knew I would not approve. She only tells me what she wants me to know, and when she wants me to know it. Usually, I find everything out after a disaster has occurred and then I run to her rescue. I now see such behavior on the part of my "friend" as very manipulative and I like her parents have been "enabling" her for too long.
After some very choice words, I have ended our friendship. Her mother then sent me an awful message making me the "bad guy", calling me "abusive" to her daughter, and telling me that her daughter is depressed and I'm lucky that I didn't cause her to lose her milk supply for the baby! Her mother also doesn't see a problem with the wolves being back as the children "love the dogs"!
I am now angry and resentful. I am fearful for the future of her children. I see the wolves as another extension of the dangerous situations that my "friend" puts her children in. This time it's not an abusive man, it's wild animals, but I guess I'm the only one who sees it like this. I feel terrible and helpless and I only want what's best for my "friend" and her children. However, I realize I don't have the emotional energy nor can I or should I keeping helping her financially. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think she'll ever change, and I'm not really helping her, I've been enabling her. . . .
She has had two miserable marriages with men who have abused her and her children: emotionally, physically and sexually. She has had a boyfriend do the same, and though my "friend's" daughter told her mother about the abuse (with both men), my "friend" did nothing. She just gave birth to the 2nd soon to be ex-husband's daughter (he doesn't even claim the child), and he was molesting her daughter from her 1st marriage. To make matters worse, she didn't leave him- he left her for her other "best friend" after beating her up while she was pregnant.
For the last 10 years her parents have been financially paying through the nose through her marriages and her divorces (as have I). Her brother spends much of his spare time trying to help her keep up with her home. She has a job, but doesn't even make $30K a year and thus cannot afford 3 children. None of the father's of her children pay child support and that's Ok with her, because her parents keep paying her bills, and she has been able to count on me financially as well.
She also has a hoarding problem. In January of this year, I paid $8K to have her home cleaned out and deep cleaned so that DHR would not take away her children. She also has many animals including 2 wolves that she allows around her children and which are dangerous. The cats pee and poop everywhere. I even found out from the lady in charge of the hoarding clean-up that my "friend's" daughter had cat feces in her bed and the child had obviously been sleeping in it for a long time! This child is 11 years old, and I find it very disturbing that she thinks sleeping in cat poop is OK.
I just visited this "friend" for the birth of the baby, and found myself deep cleaning the house, washing all the clothes, bedding, etc in order to get ready for the new baby. She even asked me to be in the room for the C-Section! I then brought her 2 children home with me for 10 days so that she could focus on the baby. This last stint cost me another $3K.
During the time that her children were with me, her Mom and Aunt stayed with her constantly, bringing her food and attending to her every whim. The entire time her children were with me, I spoke to her once on the phone and all she could say was how depressed she was.
Her 9 year old son obviously has problems (how could he not), some of which were exhibited at my home by his violent outbursts including throwing a full coke can at my living room walls, pooping on the floor of my bathroom (then rubbing it into the rug and towel and not even telling me about it- I walked into the bathroom and found the mess), and throwing my 3 pound dog across the room so that she landed on her head!
Needless to say, having her children stay with me was no "joy ride" and I couldn't wait for them to leave. I also fell behind on my business due to the 2 weeks I spent attending to her and her children. Sadly, my "friend" did not even have the decency to tell me that the children made it home safely nor to thank me for keeping them for 2 weeks.
I also found out through her mother, that the wolves are now back at her home. She had just gotten rid of the wolves, but after one of them "put his mouth around a child's head", the couple that took the wolves immediately brought them back.
I realize this friend did not tell me that the wolves were back, because she knew I would not approve. She only tells me what she wants me to know, and when she wants me to know it. Usually, I find everything out after a disaster has occurred and then I run to her rescue. I now see such behavior on the part of my "friend" as very manipulative and I like her parents have been "enabling" her for too long.
After some very choice words, I have ended our friendship. Her mother then sent me an awful message making me the "bad guy", calling me "abusive" to her daughter, and telling me that her daughter is depressed and I'm lucky that I didn't cause her to lose her milk supply for the baby! Her mother also doesn't see a problem with the wolves being back as the children "love the dogs"!
I am now angry and resentful. I am fearful for the future of her children. I see the wolves as another extension of the dangerous situations that my "friend" puts her children in. This time it's not an abusive man, it's wild animals, but I guess I'm the only one who sees it like this. I feel terrible and helpless and I only want what's best for my "friend" and her children. However, I realize I don't have the emotional energy nor can I or should I keeping helping her financially. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think she'll ever change, and I'm not really helping her, I've been enabling her. . . .
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