Feeling Guilty

[wincrasher]

Turned a friend down for a loan yesterday. He wanted $500. He already owes me $1000 from last year.

It was tough to say no. It was awkward and embarrassing. But I did it.

Now I'm feeling guilty about it. Obviously his rent is due.

[bjl584]

Was your friend angry at you, or did he take it in stride?

[disneysteve]

No need to feel guilty. What I would be feeling is angry because he hasn't repaid the $1,000 he already borrowed. He is the one who should be feeling guilty. And he's got some nerve coming to you for money again when he hasn't repaid your last loan.

I hope you've learned your lesson about lending to friends and family. It is almost never a good idea.

[wincrasher]

Well, loaning (I mean gifting) to family is a whole other matter that I won't go into.

One of the problems I have is that almost all of my friends are not financial peers. It's hard to say no when you have so much more than others, even though it's thru hard work and sacrifice.

It's one thing to say "can't" and another to say "won't".

"Can't" doesn't fly when you are standing in a $400k house, with a $80k in cars in the driveway.

[creditcardfree]

My husband asked his brother for a loan just before we were married. He was well off at the time. He turned my husband down. I think it is one of the best things that could have happened to my DH!

I sure wouldn't feel guilty. You could clarify 'why' you aren't loaning to him if that would ease your mind. And you are right 'can't' doesn't work, but explaining why can.

[disneysteve]

It's hard to say no when you have so much more than others

No it isn't. You shouldn't feel guilty because you are a success. And your friends need to live within their means, not yours. "Borrowing" money and not repaying it isn't something true friends do. And then going back and asking for more is just inexcusable.

[buildmybudget]

It's like giving advice to your friends... What they want to hear may not necessarily be what can help them. In this case, not only are you not helping your friend, your hurting yourself even more by following this process.

[maat55]

No need to feel guilty. What I would be feeling is angry because he hasn't repaid the $1,000 he already borrowed. He is the one who should be feeling guilty. And he's got some nerve coming to you for money again when he hasn't repaid your last loan.

I hope you've learned your lesson about lending to friends and family. It is almost never a good idea.

I second this.

[maat55]

To add, I use business logic when making fiancial decissions. When you know something is bad business, you don't do it on principle.

I've had to fire, layoff and cut hours as an employer, the first few times were difficult. I learned early on that compassion can be applied to your or someone elses detriment. I learned to protect the golden goose over an individual.

It's one thing to loan an respectable friend money and he pay it back, but if asked again after not paying you, I could say no with a smile on my face. Your kindest option at this point would be to give him your favorite personal finance book.

[nmboone]

Like the others said don't feel guilty. I felt guilty over not cosigning a loan for a friend who had children and bills to pay. She had to struggle for a while but her and her family are doing much better now, and she understood and was never angry thank god!

[PetMom]

You might have a twinge of guilt (but not much) if this was his first asking - but it isn't!

You have already loaned him a lot of money.

If people know you manage your finances and have an emergency fund - then they, by friendship or kinship know that is (hopefully) their emergency fund.

Some might pay it back, but usually not. Best thing is to say no.

Even a good ef can be almost wiped out - guard your own financial security.

Better yet, ask him for the loan back - tell him you are having a need now for money.

Friends should not make people be a bank.

The payroll loan businesses got started for this very reason - he can get an advance there if needed.

[wincrasher]

I have several friends, and even family, struggling right now.

It's not that they are all irresponsible. It's that there just isn't any work. Even less that will pay any kind of decent wage.

Two of my friends are really in a spot. One sells health insurance. People are letting this go left and right. New clients are tough to get written because they invariably have pre-existing or chronic conditions. He tells me he's shifting his business model to sell more life insurance and some other products. I think there is hope for this guy. He's the one wanting to borrow money.

Another friend has a dog training business. This is something that people cut right away. I think that this type of business won't come back for her in time. Her house is going into foreclosure. She hasn't asked for money, but I'm sure that day will come soon.

My brother-in-law's situation is stabilizing for now. He picked up a part-time job. It's alot of work for very little money. It's a tough pill to swallow when you are 45 with a college degree and doing the same job as a high school kid, for the same money - but he's doing it. So I'm very proud of him right now.

[disneysteve]

It's not that they are all irresponsible. It's that there just isn't any work. Even less that will pay any kind of decent wage.

Two of my friends are really in a spot. One sells health insurance. He's the one wanting to borrow money.

Another friend has a dog training business.

I'm not denying that these situations are unfortunate, but they aren't your problems to fix.

What is it Suze Orman always says... you need to learn to say NO out of love instead of YES out of guilt.

[PetMom]

It is tough to look at individual situations and even more so when they are hard working people that are in bad times.

People used to live off their credit cards in bad times but now they have gotten tough on the maximum credit limits.

Are there not other people they could ask for a loan? And this is a temporary solution for what might be a tough financial situation for a while. If it is for a last minute save the car from repossesion type of thing that he might need to live in if things keep getting bad - then that is your judgment call.

[kenyant]

the guilt is good. it just means that you are not heartless and that you have a head on your shoulders because you did not mismanage your cash. I think that your friend should pay the cash the owes you first before getting more from you