Envy

[inneedofhelp]

In this day and age, many of us are tightening our wallets and going without things we do not need.

Everyone is worried about the economy and the recession and making money stretch further.

I have heard horror stories and sad stories about people trying to live off of the income from just a part-time job and it really scares me. I am also saddened by the people losing their houses and I am not quick to think they were greedy, etc., I am more apt to think that the mortgage lenders, etc. made a lot of very unscrupulous deals and many people were led to believe that their interest rate would never double in the way that it did. but that is another issue altogether.

I know that I will have to tighten my own spending, but other than not having money for entertainment or extra coffee, I will still have food to eat, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and all the books I can check out from the library. I think that is far better than a lot of people, and I feel very blessed and fortunate.

I have a couple of friends who earn the same that I do, or a bit more, and they have more disposable cash after their bills are paid. Sometimes, I find it hard to relate to them when we are shopping (my window shopping, them actually shopping) and they are buying designed clothes or going out for drinks as usual at their favorite lounge, etc. And these aren't special occasion buys or events..these are every week type of things. I find it hard to relate to them when they say how hard things are, yet they aren't necessarily adjusting their lifestyle all that much.

During these times, how do you deal with the ability or inability to relate to people with a different view of reality? I know people who may earn 3x what I earn, and still bemoan that they are "poor".

My neighborhood is also undergoing major gentrification and it does pain me at times to see people buying the siliest things, all in the name of the label (1 example is a boutique/specialty store that buys an item that is 99 cents at Target 9it is an actual item one can get at any target), puts their own label on it and charges $6...and people buy them like candy!) or designer and how that type of purchase power has robbed the neighborhood of a lot of its culture.

So, during these times....how do you deal with envy?

[ScrimpAndSave]

I love the fact that I can buy all of the high end purses that I want...but I would rather have the coin sitting in the bank. Having thousands of dollars backing me is an amazing feeling...better than new shoes, even.

It's a state of mind. It's about being happy with what you have. I'm learning this as time goes on and I get a little older.

[sheridan15926]

I don't find myself being envious of other people's financial situations...because you never know what is REALLY going on with them, KWIM? They might make the same salary as you, and be going out weekly for dinners/drinks, and buying designer clothes, but they could also be in WAY over their head in debt. You just never know. I take pride and comfort in the fact that we live within our means, have money for a few splurges (mainly yearly vacations), and that we like to see how far we can stretch our money.

[inneedofhelp]

Well, I know that when i am better off financially (have emergency savings primarily) that I am less irritated by their comments.

I just feel like I can't understand their comments.

I may offend some people, and I apologize in advance, but I feel like when I am shopping the discount markets trying to find inexpensive chicken, and they are buying organic and only from the more upscale markets, I just have a hard time believing them when they bemoan the economy.

[GREENBACK]

I don't envy those with lots of stuff because many of these people are never satisfied. They constantly try to spend their way to happiness and never catch it. Of course, we've seen what happens when you spend like this but don't have the means to do so. I have what I really want and need and can go about anywhere I want to so I'm not the least envious. I feel pity for many of these people because most won't realize what matters until it's too late.

[thekid]

I don't envy those with lots of stuff because many of these people are never satisfied. They constantly try to spend their way to happiness and never catch it. Of course, we've seen what happens when you spend like this but don't have the means to do so. I have what I really want and need and can go about anywhere I want to so I'm not the least envious. I feel pity for many of these people because most won't realize what matters until it's too late.

Very nice post I find. I totally agree with you. Envy is the problem of the person who feels it. You would not feel it if you didn't mesure yourself against people around you. Live according to your own rules and value system. What does it matter what others do?

[kork13]

I completely understand OP's sentiment.... One of my very close friends is rather well-off, and his family can mostly afford to indulge their wants. I visit them frequently, and have gone shopping with them a number of times, and I have much the same feelings as you do... Honestly, alot of stuff is just beyond what I, myself, would consider buying, whereas (like Greenback said) my friend is sometimes always looking for that next something. That said, his family is also very generous, and in no way brags about their finances, nor really bemoan themselves in the current state of things. They have a higher living standard than I do, but operate in the same way--adjusting their saving, spending, etc. as necessary to responsibly allow their preferred living standard.... they just use bigger numbers.

As for how I "deal" with envy, I'm rather the introvert, so I tend to simply live with it. Also, I grew up in a large family (4 siblings), so I'm used to not always getting what I want, and simply being grateful for what I have. That's not to say that I don't wish I could do/have what others do--oh, not at all... I actually use those feelings to set my goals. I want to be financially responsible and stable enough such that I can afford those nicer things (and I mean truly afford--none of that "the Jones'" mess).

[GREENBACK]

I have a friend who is a very successful attorney. His income is at least double what I make and probably more. He is a level headed guy but can obviously afford things that I can't consider. We get along very well and work together in a charitable capacity. His house, cars and other things that he and his wife have are things I'll never have at my income level. I don't envy him at all.

I believe envy is like anger in that it is something that can consume you to the point where you forget who you really are. I've seen both and both are ugly.

[Scanner]

Ah, we all deal with the 7 Deadly Sins, despite some of the posters assertion to the contrary.

I know as a doctor, I get envious sometimes. I think, "Geez, I went to school, sacraficed. . .and look what I make. . .I should have been a Wall Street Banker."

But wait a minute. . .that's not so good any more. (Yeah, I used to really think I should have gone to work on Wall Street, LOL)

So, then I realize I was simply being envious.

Actually, out of all the 7 Deadly Sins, this is the one I struggle with the least. . .when I take inventory, I have:

1. Health
2. Healthy family, mostly
3. A nice house
4. A car that runs and runs and runs and runs, despite it being a 1999
5. My own business that I can't be laid off from, but I can experience a dropoff of business.
6. Good kids who never get in trouble
7. A lovely wife

When I am feeling sorry for myself, sometimes I watch the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles and realize I could be like Dell Griffith.

[maat55]

I never envy anyone either. As stated above, you never know what there situation really is. I don't feel the need to compete. To me, extravegance means less wealth building. I fully believe there will be justification for patience and sacrifice.

[thekid]

Ah, we all deal with the 7 Deadly Sins, despite some of the posters assertion to the contrary.

I know as a doctor, I get envious sometimes. I think, "Geez, I went to school, sacraficed. . .and look what I make. . .I should have been a Wall Street Banker."

But wait a minute. . .that's not so good any more. (Yeah, I used to really think I should have gone to work on Wall Street, LOL)

So, then I realize I was simply being envious.

Actually, out of all the 7 Deadly Sins, this is the one I struggle with the least. . .when I take inventory, I have:

1. Health
2. Healthy family, mostly
3. A nice house
4. A car that runs and runs and runs and runs, despite it being a 1999
5. My own business that I can't be laid off from, but I can experience a dropoff of business.
6. Good kids who never get in trouble
7. A lovely wife

When I am feeling sorry for myself, sometimes I watch the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles and realize I could be like Dell Griffith.

Nice post. I agree that we are all naturally prone to it and have to watch ourselves. I guess like many posters have realized, envy is a path to unhapiness and is unproductive. It's up to us to control our emotional responses to certain things. I think that by realizing that you are the only reference person that matters to you (ie. hold yourself up to your standards), you'll find that you've done quite well and can be happy and proud of what you have. Like you say in your post, with all your wonderfull achievements, who the heck cares what anybody else has?

[snafu]

The people I know that are continually buying and need the newest, best, branded objects seem to be the people with low self esteem and unsure of themselves. They seem to believe that wearing/using an object will make them seem more important or more valued.

I've concluded that shopaholics have a giant hole in their heart and they shop to try to fill their heart. It just doesn't work, they remain emotionally vulnerable

[LivingAlmostLarge]

OMG totally true seeker. Don't forgot my one envy!

That some people have parents who can pay for a $100k wedding, give them $100k down payment, $0 student loans because their parents paid 100% for medical school, law school, etc, AND they got a brand new Lexus or BMW because their parents can totally afford it.

They are very nice people. Super cool, but even though my DH and I make the same as them we just can't keep up with their lifestyle.

Even our roommate has loaded parents, who will pay for an expensive wedding, already told him when he wants a car go buy it, and will be giving him a $80k down payment or more! Nice guy, not mean, not rude, and definitely not bragging. Just the way it is. Plus he gets money for retirement and traveling all the TIME. His parents paid for an African Safari a couple years ago, a trip to Turkey, and this year a flight to London.

How can we keep up with that lifestyle? So envy sets in, until I realize it's just luck of the draw. And I have tons too!

[adam_c]

I find myself with a sort of reverse envy. I don't envy stuff. I've got friends my age (early 30's) who are trying to have it all and they are suffering. We stick with used stuff and bargains and we're satisfied.

I find myself envying those around us who are more disciplined and more frugal. A couple from our church, with four young children, have a monthly grocery budget of under $400/month. Somehow they live peaceably and are content with making dresses for their girls, cooking from scratch and wearing every piece of clothing until if falls apart.

We are just spoiled enough that I fear my family would have a hard time adjusting to the stress if we had to lower our thresholds.

[DC Metro Crab]

For those who bemoan being "poor" when being far from it, they are just bellyaching. Everything is relative and people use "I'm so broke" in the same manner as "they ran out of coffee, I'm dying." I wouldn't get my panties in a bunch over it, just commiserate that their situation sucks and move on. They're not being serious.

As for envy, it comes when you're satisfied with your own situation versus measuring yourself to others. There's harmless envy and there's the kind that makes you feel inadequate. So long as you're not falling into the latter category, it's human nature.