Should I call off the wedding?

[chad]

I'm engaged to be married in about 2 months and the wedding invitations have already been sent out, the arrangements made and everything is pretty much set. Then last night my fiance let me know that she had $90,000 in student loan debt which I had never known about (we are both a bit older -- 32 and 34) she has her phd, but is not using it for anything at the moment and doesn't plan to since she has decided that she's no longer interested in that field.

It concerns me that this never came up before and now only that everything has been set. I'm also worried about taking on so much debt. Any advice would be appreciated.

[fruitbowlk]

Why did she decide to tell you now?
Do you all talk about money? Investing, saving, debt?
That's a lot of money. Is this her only debt? It's not the worst thing she could have told you but she should have told you much sooner. I would set her down and talk to her and figure out how this debt is going to be paid off and how fast.

[aida2003]

Oh, boy... After reading more and more stories like yours I'm starting to believe in an advice given by some divorce attorney (I read in the newspaper). She said that before everything gets very serious, a couple should sit down together at a computer to obtain their credit reports and review them together. So that way both partners play with open cards before deciding whether to unite their lives or just live together, split or whatever.

As far as your situation goes, nobody can advise you what to do because it involves emotions and your personal life. Aren't getting married for love? But I do understand your concern about the debt. What about having pre-nuptials drawn if you don't want to be saddled with the debt?

Also, you haven't given us more detail. What does she do now? Is she paying her student loan at all? Where does she stand financially? Is she a frugal person? Are you both on the same page financially speaking (future goals, savings, retirement, etc.).

Yep, me personally I'd feel very cheated and mad if I learned about such a debt before upcoming wedding.

[cschin4]

If you are going to make this a point of resentment and bone of contention, then yes, call off the wedding. The fact is you are both entering marriage with all your glorious flaws, warts, and pimples. We both still had student loan debt when we got married. It was just part of life and we both had to work to pay it off. Do you love her enough to whole heartedly accept her debt? If so, then if you walk down the aisle, you accept it as YOUR responsibility along and pay it off and never mention it again.
Why do you think it just came up now? Was she trying to hide it from you or was it just not discussed? Has she faithfully been paying on time? If so, then she has demonstrated that she is responsible.
But, the other issue is that the debt does exist. So, if you plan your life with her, most likely you are going to have to delay buying a home and many other things as this is a significant debt. Also, if you are planning to have children, most often the wife takes more of the childrearing aspects and thus may not be able to work as much in the near future to pay off this debt.
To be fair to both of you, if you cannot enter into this marriage and both wholly accept one another's flaws and debts as well as all the good, then I would say you are not ready to get married. The WORST thing that could happen is not getting stuck with this large debt. The WORST thing is setting up a lifetime of resentment and anger. The debt while annoying could be handled and paid off over time. It will come and go, but anger does not.

[hopefulfirefly]

I think we need more info about why this just came up now. If you guys had previously discussed your finances (in depth, not just on the surface level), then there are serious trust issues about why she withheld that information. However, if you both made (incorrect) assumptions about eachother's financial positions, then you are both at fault and it doesn't seem that it was being deliberately withheld.

She has her PhD, did you ever ask how she paid for it?

I'm recently married (1 year anniversary next month), and we've had incredible challenges in our first year of marriage, you need pure honestly or you're not going to survive. You need to decide if this was intentional or not. There's a great book called "Lies at the Alter: The Truth About Great Marriages", it's by Dr. Robin Smith. The back of the book has like 300 questions that she feels you should discuss with your spouse BEFORE you walk down the isle. It's not too late...you should sit down and go through those questions. My dh and I did that before we married and I'm so glad we did.

My dh was engaged before, and called off the wedding just a few months prior and everything was already planned and paid for. He discovered things about her that he never knew before. If you feel you want to call off the wedding, you should, and don't let the fear of "it's already planned" stop you. (Although, I understand that is a real fear and deserves attention, but it shouldn't be your motivating factor).

[jIM_Ohio]

My wife had a good amount of cc and sl debt when we met. I paid some of it off before we were engaged and the rest off after we got married 3 years later.

What is your priority?

[PrincessPerky]

while I wouldn't call off a wedding due to debt I would due to continued deciet..if she was actually hiding it,you have a problem. if she just didn't care then you need to decide if you love her enough to not mind.

her current spening is more important than a student loan...are you comfortable with it? if not you at least shouldn't mix finances.

I agree with an earlier post, the debt will go soon enough in the long life you plan to have, but if her money attitude angers you, you will have to find a way around it or you will be divorced soon.

[Terin]

dont call it off things always work out the way they are supposed to. Good luck in your decision though.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My DH is running up student loans as we speak and I still love him. Debt like I said in the other thread of guy whose girlfriend has CC debt, doesn't bother me.

Problem is why did she lie and how long has she been lying for? Did you already discuss finances? Was it already brought up before complete finances or did you just NOW start discussing it?

I would not end a relationship over $90k in student debt, I WOULD end it if she lied about it, I would call off the wedding if she had been hiding it and not merely "avoiding answering", and I would call it off if she doesn't care about paying it off.

[Tree0164]

This sounds like a much bigger issue than student loan debt. Trust and communication are essentials to a strong marriage.

You need to address this before you walk down the aisle.

[Snave]

If you are even asking if the wedding should be called off, then you probably have more issues than just this. Are you upset that she has 9k in debt or are you upset that she didn't tell you until 2 months before the wedding? Had she told you earlier, would it really change the way you feel about this person? The only thing that would be different is that you would have known earlier. She still would have the student loan. It wouldn't have changed anything. However, if you believe that there are other issues than this, I would suggest the two of you sit down immediately or go through some dort of pre-marriage counseling. 9K is not chump change by any means, but it is not all that bad. I have seen reports that a typical student leaving college has about 17-18k in loans. Typically these are paid off over a fairly generous amount of time. From that perspective, your fiancee is typical. My wife had loans when we were married. Granted I knew about them well before the wedding date, but it didn't change the fact that there were loans. Obviously we don't know the entire story, so it is tough to throw out advice. But, have you looked at it from her side? Why did she feel like she couldn't tell you? My guess is if you are the type of person that might want to cancel the wedding because of this (or at least throw up a post asking if you should), then she was probably scared or even embarrassed to let you know she had this debt. If you love her, resolve this imemdiately and then DO NOT hold it over her. That is not the way to start a healthy marriage.

[gamecock43]

$90,000 in debt. A lot more than 9k. But I agree that maybe there is more fear here than just the debt.

[pedersoc]

Maybe she didn't tell you because she was afraid of your reaction--that you would not want to marry her? Comminication is definitely one of the most important ways to have a healthy relationship. Ask her why she didn't tell you sooner. And ask yourself why was your first reaction to call off the wedding.

Good Luck!

Cheryl

[Snave]

$90,000 in debt. A lot more than 9k. But I agree that maybe there is more fear here than just the debt.

Read that wrong. Gulp! That is a lot. I'm not sure it changes my advice. If I had 90K in student loans. I'm not sure how I would bring that up to my future spouse either.

[gamecock43]

Well, there could be three reasons OP found out about this:

1. She was ashamed and scared to tell him.

2. She does not care. Does not think about finances.

3. She got a PhD. Maybe everyone at her education level has those kinds of loans and it was no big deal to her. She applied for the loan, looked at the monthly payment and thought to herself "ok. I can make that payment every month. Where do I sign?" And she has been making monthly payments dilligently and didnt think it was a big enough number to discuss with the OP.

Now things are a little different because she does not want to work in the field, but maybe she wants to pursue a career that will allow her to keep making the monthly payments and live the standard of living they have discussed for their future. So she thought it was no big deal.