Marriage Age?

[Exile]

I think the assumption in a lot of posts here is that the man is the primary breadwinner, and the woman is the primary caregiver. Those have been the traditional roles but when I look around to the people I know, it's less and less the norm.

Education and career is not a "hobby" to many women - some of the best mothers I know are highly educated and very dedicated to the careers. They are happy, fulfilled, love their children, and set a great example.

I think that delaying marriage and children until the late twenties or early thirties is great for society AND families. People have a chance to establish themselves in their career, get an education if they choose, save a little money, and gain a little maturity. I would hate for us to go back to the days when it was standard for women to have three kids by the age of 25 and have to rely on their husband for everything, sometimes trapped in bad marriages because they couldn't support themselves. That happens enough as it is.

In my opinion, EVERY woman should have the ability to support themselves and any children they have. Marriages end, spouses die or become disabled. Also, I think it's better for a child to have a strong, accomplished, happy mother even if it means they spend a little time in daycare. My mother sacrificed her education/career and stayed at home with the kids, and was horribly bitter and unfulfilled because of it.

DW and I were 29 and 25 respectively when we got hitched. That was about 38 years ago. Through our marriage, we were DINK'S (Double income, no kids). I think one reason that our marriage has lasted as long as it did because DW is an independent-minded professional who could alwasy take care of herself if I left the picture, one way or the other.

I agree that it's beneficial to society for people to defer marriage until they have developed some maturity and common sense, which is usually the outcome of life's experiences and ordinarily doesn't kick in till about age 25. There are always exceptions as some of the previous posts attest to, but on the whole, I think that people who marry later are less starry-eyed and less impractical about the realities of the demands required for a successful union.

[MonkeyMama]

I think the assumption in a lot of posts here is that the man is the primary breadwinner, and the woman is the primary caregiver. Those have been the traditional roles but when I look around to the people I know, it's less and less the norm.

Education and career is not a "hobby" to many women - some of the best mothers I know are highly educated and very dedicated to the careers. They are happy, fulfilled, love their children, and set a great example.

I think that delaying marriage and children until the late twenties or early thirties is great for society AND families. People have a chance to establish themselves in their career, get an education if they choose, save a little money, and gain a little maturity. I would hate for us to go back to the days when it was standard for women to have three kids by the age of 25 and have to rely on their husband for everything, sometimes trapped in bad marriages because they couldn't support themselves. That happens enough as it is.

In my opinion, EVERY woman should have the ability to support themselves and any children they have. Marriages end, spouses die or become disabled. Also, I think it's better for a child to have a strong, accomplished, happy mother even if it means they spend a little time in daycare. My mother sacrificed her education/career and stayed at home with the kids, and was horribly bitter and unfulfilled because of it.

Just because I would have been happy to be married at 18/19 doesn't mean I wanted kids at 18/19. Neither did my parents who married very young. So I tend to disagree. Or rather to point out that is not my assumption at all. I am a female and the breadwinner of my household. I was certainly not interested in having kids until I could support my family financially.

I think my response is kind of opposite. I also did not want to have kids with someone I barely knew. So marrying young I was able to establish a 8-year relationship before I had kids in my mid-20s. (We dated many years before we married) & have the career. If I married very late I don't think I would have been comfortable having kids quickly, after a short courtship. I also like that we had a very rich life before kids. We're the couple who remember life before kids and will still have something in common when they are grown.

[MonkeyMama]

I was 20 (turned 21 a week later) when I married. I thing the personality and beliefs of the person plays a larger rule than age. Some people will never be ready because they have too many ideas (often conflicting) of what their partner should be. I have a friend who wants the guy she marries to be a sensitive blue collar guy who is artistic, can fix anything, and listens to and respects her feelings (but at the same time, she views guys who are nice as pushovers).

Though I admit I was VERY lucky to meet my spouse so young, I also notice this too. I have always been very open minded. So though I met my spouse at 18 I dated a lot of different types before I met him. A lot of my single friends keep dating the same "person" over and over and over. All the while lamenting that they are not "perfect." They need to both widen their horizons and get a little more realistic.

[MonkeyMama]

And that is why my wife had our wedding date engraved on my ring.

That's why we got married in 2000. LOL. We're coming on 8 years. I never have to do those mental gymnastics to remember. Phew.

[feh]

In my opinion, EVERY woman should have the ability to support themselves and any children they have. Marriages end, spouses die or become disabled. Also, I think it's better for a child to have a strong, accomplished, happy mother even if it means they spend a little time in daycare.

We're getting a little off topic now, but...

My first thought when reading this section was: "How many mothers are actually happy to have a career and kids, and how many are completely frazzled and stressed out?"

I don't know the answer to that question, but my guess is that there are more women that are unhappy having to wear so many hats than there are who enjoy it.

And of course, when both parents work, the kids (during their pre-school years) spend more than "a little time" in daycare. If you add up the hours, they may spend more time with the day-care providers than their parents, which I think is a shame.

[MonkeyMama]

We're getting a little off topic now, but...

My first thought when reading this section was: "How many mothers are actually happy to have a career and kids, and how many are completely frazzled and stressed out?"

I don't know the answer to that question, but my guess is that there are more women that are unhappy having to wear so many hats than there are who enjoy it.

And of course, when both parents work, the kids (during their pre-school years) spend more than "a little time" in daycare. If you add up the hours, they may spend more time with the day-care providers than their parents, which I think is a shame.

You can be able to support your family without having to work.

Likewise, work does not have to be so all or nothing. A few hours a week can keep you in the game.

I didn't get the impression at all that fizgig was saying mothers should work while they have kids. There is a huge difference between working and being able to support yourself.

I think the people who do the best in life are the ones who don't see things as so black and white. IF the husband has to work full-time and the wife has to stay home full-time, odds are that isn't going to be the best situation. It's merely traditional. There are 100 different ways you can arrange things so as a woman you are independent and so that you can be there for your kids. You can work opposite schedules. You can both work part-time. You can get your degree and career and take just a few years off. You can work a few hours a week to keep in the game. The assumption that it has to be all or nothing is what is keeping so many women down if you ask me. We need to think outside the box a little more.

I say that as a woman who thinks very outside the box and is very happy with her work/life balance.

[feh]

You can be able to support your family without having to work.

Likewise, work does not have to be so all or nothing. A few hours a week can keep you in the game.

I didn't get the impression at all that fizgig was saying mothers should work while they have kids. There is a huge difference between working and being able to support yourself.

I think the people who do the best in life are the ones who don't see things as so black and white. IF the husband has to work full-time and the wife has to stay home full-time, odds are that isn't going to be the best situation. It's merely traditional. There are 100 different ways you can arrange things so as a woman you are independent and so that you can be there for your kids. You can work opposite schedules. You can both work part-time. You can get your degree and career and take just a few years off. You can work a few hours a week to keep in the game. The assumption that it has to be all or nothing is what is keeping so many women down if you ask me. We need to think outside the box a little more.

I say that as a woman who thinks very outside the box and is very happy with her work/life balance.

I agree with you completely. Once my son started school, my wife began working part time during the school year. This summer she's working 3 nights a week after I get home, so we're still able to avoid daycare.

Even though I didn't state it explicitly, I was referring to mothers and fathers who both work full time, and not necessarily because they enjoy it, but because they need to in order to make ends meet (or just to keep up with the Jones's).

[disneysteve]

IF the husband has to work full-time and the wife has to stay home full-time, odds are that isn't going to be the best situation. It's merely traditional.

Of course, there is nothing at all wrong with "traditional" if both partners are okay with that. My wife was a SAHM for 10 years and wouldn't have had it any other way. She works part-time now, but if she really had her choice, she wouldn't even be doing that. We don't truly need the money, but it is helpful and, as I often remind her, every dollar she is able to sock away in her 401k is one less dollar that I need to earn before we can both call it quits.

[PrincessPerky]

Of course, there is nothing at all wrong with "traditional" if both partners are okay with that. .

ditto that traditional doesn't mean bad....I happen to not get paid for any of my jobs ('ceptthe occassional pinecone survey) But in spite of how much my husband would love to spend more time with the kids, I really am the right one for the home parts. (and have several friends where Dad is the right one.)

[Cylenchar]

Both my wife and me occasionally fantasize about quitting our jobs and being a stay at home spouse. However, we also recognize that we would probably only make it about a month before we picked up at least a part time job for something to do.

[PrincessPerky]

Both my wife and me occasionally fantasize about quitting our jobs and being a stay at home spouse. However, we also recognize that we would probably only make it about a month before we picked up at least a part time job for something to do.

come visit me I will find you lots to do in my home!

[Caoineag]

come visit me I will find you lots to do in my home!

I am pretty sure he didn't mean a slight on sah people. I did a small stint of a whole 2 weeks of staying at home between jobs where I basically got everything ready for a move, moved everything and unpacked everything. It was an entire household and you can't get busier than cleaning and packing 12 hours per day but I still wanted a job.

As to Cylenchar, his month and a half at home made both of us want to strangle him because he couldn't stand it and was getting stir crazy.

Neither time did we need the second income and both times we were very busy. Which makes it amusing that we think we will want to retire early later on in life.

Also another thing to keep in mind, we don't have kids! Amazing how busy they alone can keep people.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I am enjoying life I have to admit supremely before kids. We've had nearly a decade together and it's been wonderful. I have no doubts when we have kids it will be tiring, but honestly I still don't feel the pressure of not being sure about my spouse.

[Ariadne]

We have found that waiting has served both of us best, separately, before we met one another. FH and I both agree that had we met even 3 years earlier, we probably would never have ended up dating. I'm 28, FH is 33 next month; we've been engaged for 2 years already, and the wedding was delayed to 2009 because I returned to school.

[financialnut]

I'm 23 and my wife is 21. We got married 2 months ago!

It's an interesting question as to what the "right" time is... I guess that depends on the person.

Honestly, I believe marriage to be absolutely essential. I've grown and developed more in the last couple of months being married than the last 2 years.

And, yes, I do believe you need to have some level of maturity to decide to get married; however, from my experience so far (very short, I know), just being married and working with your spouse will develop you in ways that you need knew could be developed!

- - Thank you to my wife for that.