Marriage Age?

[maat55]

There was no "married housing unit" at my school. And even if there had been, that would totally have changed the whole college experience. To me, college is a time for kids to transition into adulthood, develop independence, enjoy some new-found freedoms and generally grow up. Marriage is something that happens AFTER you grow up, not before. Marriage is a serious commitment. I don't believe most 18 year olds are ready for that.

Plus, if I had married before college, what would my wife had been doing? If we didn't both go to the same college, or at least in the same area, how would that have worked? Would we get married and then go live apart from each other for 4 years? Or would we both have had to limit our school choices to those that let us be together? Neither is a very good option, IMO. Then in med school, I was away for a month at a time on numerous occasions doing clinical rotations. That would have been a lot more difficult had I been married already.

Maybe it could work for some couples, but I can't see how it would have been a good thing for me and my wife.

My son-in-law is still full time in college and they're doing fine. I think your medical degree is an exception to the norm, I'm sure it was much more demanding. And my daughter and son-in-law both only went to college for the degree, less the experience.

My older daughter on the other hand, went mainly for the college experience ( Influenced by her mother )and majored in sorority it seems.

[disneysteve]

My son-in-law is still full time in college and they're doing fine.

And where is your daughter? Is she also in college? If so, same school or not?

I can see where it could work if both are students at the same school, though I still think it would be awkward unless it became the norm. But what if I was attending school in one city and my wife was in another city (or state)? How would that work? What kind of marriage would that be? And even if you were both at the same school (or close enough to live together), you certainly couldn't start a family yet. Although I know of people who have done it, getting through college while pregnant and then while managing an infant would be far from ideal.

I'm not saying it couldn't work, but I think it would represent a phenomenal cultural shift and change in priorities that we aren't ever likely to see.

[maat55]

And where is your daughter? Is she also in college? If so, same school or not?

I can see where it could work if both are students at the same school, though I still think it would be awkward unless it became the norm. But what if I was attending school in one city and my wife was in another city (or state)? How would that work? What kind of marriage would that be? And even if you were both at the same school (or close enough to live together), you certainly couldn't start a family yet. Although I know of people who have done it, getting through college while pregnant and then while managing an infant would be far from ideal.

I'm not saying it couldn't work, but I think it would represent a phenomenal cultural shift and change in priorities that we aren't ever likely to see.

My younger daughter thats married, only completed her associate degree and is working to help support his schooling. He is on scholarships and is working as a bank teller. They together mow our and the other parents lawns for side cash, they are a great team. He has only one year left for his finance degree and will take extra classes for a second major in accounting. They began dating while she was in school, 150 miles away from his.

They were friends from 7th grade and share a lot of common experiences. This is why they could date long distance for a short time period.

[savingmama]

I think that some people when they are 18/19 years old are ready for marriage, but only a small percent. I think most people are ready for marriage in their early to mid twenties. And there are some people that are never ready for marriage, no matter their age. I definitely am opposed to the idea that there is some magical age you have to wait to be in order to be married (like 25), but I definitely don’t advocate that all people should get married before they are 20. Most people aren’t ready for that at such a young age. It is varies individual to individual.
Here is my personal experience. I got married when I was 19 and my husband was 23. We were both in college, at the same place. We were both able to graduate college before we had to move and my husband started medical school. Now getting married young and having your husband still in school would not work for most people, but I have enjoyed being a part of his training process and I am happy I married him when he actually was at a less busy time in his life. We have been married for 7 ½ years now and have 2 kids and have never regretted getting married young.

[zetta]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scanner
1. Encourage marriage at 18-21 with kids.
2. Husband goes to college to provide for family (or trade school)
3. Then, after kids are grown, it's expected that wife goes to college

The couple sort of takes it upon them to get each other through college rather than waiting around until after college and first apartment.


That would have a really lousy outcome for most women.

Going back to school after a long delay with a couple of kids at home is INFINITELY harder that going straight in after high school. You must relearn how to study, deal with the stress and responsibility of a family, add the burden of educational expenses, AND the woman has lost critical years in her career.

Not to mention that she is taking a bigger risk than he is -- if they get divorced anytime before she finishes college, she's paid for his education, but doesn't get supported in turn.

[SnoopyCool]

I was 25 and DH 31 when we married. I had just completed college, he is still in it. He only takes 1 class a semester b/c he works full-time. Happily, he is already working as a project manager, which is what his degree would land him, anyway.

I could not have been married any earlier. I was a wreck. I think I can safely say that DH couldn't have, either. It was a short courtship (6 months, long distance), but we just celebrated our 8th anniversary not long ago. Definitely not a cakewalk, but certainly worth it.

[Caoineag]

I was 23 and he was two weeks short of 21. We lived together for 3 years before marrying. Living together before marriage was no different than living together after marriage. We both had another year of college after marriage but we were at the same school and both worked and lived in an apartment off campus.

Personally, as I have gotten older, I have gotten more set in my ways. I am pretty sure that settling down to a relationship would have gotten harder as I got older. I think my husband could have waited longer though and been fine. He doesn't seem quite as stubborn as me.

[eisor]

I've been married almost a year. I was 20 when we got married and DH was 26. (I'm now 21 and DH 27.) I was still in college when we got married. I graduated 2 months ago.

I don't think my "college" experience was altered. I didn't want the typical college experience. I was already working full time and going to school. I worked the whole time I was in college. I never thought of myself as a full time college student. I was a full time employee, who also was going to school full time. School wasn't my only priority.

I like to think that age doesn't matter. It's all about maturity. In about a month, I start teaching high school. I'm 21 years old. Some of my students will be 19. That isn't much of an age difference. While in college, I spoke to my professor/advisor about this concern and she turned my view around. She said, there may only be 2 year difference but I've experienced so much more. It's all about the maturity/experiences, IMO.

That being said, I was asked by MTV to be a part of the show Engaged & Underage. I declined, but watched about half of the first season. YIKES!! IMO, a lot of the people on that show did NOT have the maturity to get married. I think that MTV specifically chose the people they did b/c they wanted to make young people look bad.

[Ima saver]

I got married at age 20 and he was 27. I think I married just to get out of the house and was never really happy. I divorced at age 32 and immediately met my dh. We dated a few weeks and knew we were right for each other, so we got married after I was single, 5 weeks later. I was 32 and he was 25!! It has lasted a long time and we are very happy!!

[feh]

I was 22, fiancee was 23. We met when we were 19. We never really had any doubts; it just felt right. The only reason we waited to marry was to finish college. This was all 19 years ago.

[PrincessPerky]

I married shortly after meeting the right man..age was/is just a number...I was the same person at 18 as at 19 (when I met him) the only difference was him...he is the man I don't ever want to be without.....my age/life had very little to do with anything. (I was old enough to be legal, and had lived enough not to expect him/or me to be perfect).

BTW we didn't marry till 21..took that long to plan the formal ceremony, the only change before and after the official part was the ring on the finger. I don't know the right solution to the live with or not. Getting pregnant before marriage I know where I stand, terrible idea! (Thats what BC is for....)


That said I think many marry too soon...not to young, too soon. with the closed in communities we send kids off too they get very little diversity until after college (even then most kids have to look for it) it is hard to grow up and understand how you want to live life when all you really study is "teen life 101"...and then 102, 103, ect thru college

I grew up around so much diversity, in wealth, lifestyle, attitude, religion...and more. I believe it gave me an early start on maturity, I never understood why I would be upset over shoes, or why noogies were funny, but I did understand so much more about how the world works, not all of it, I still don't know a great deal. But areas of finance were not a total mystery, cooking and managing time were concepts I had practiced many times. living with my husband was not a big change I didn't have a host of grownup skills to try to learn, Had a few (cleaning comes to mind!) but not so many that I was struggling with being a grown up in addition to adding a new role (wife)

I spend a good deal of time trying to cultivate chances for my kids to really get to know the wonderful diversity in the world, thru real people, books or movies I want my kids to see almost as much of the world as I did, so that they can mature as fast as they are ready. Not that I need adults at 11, but that I feel maturity, as in all areas of development, can be stunted by not letting a kid try...you can make a kid a slow walker by leaving them in a baby container all day, you can ruin their speed of talking by ignoring them, you can't however make it come any faster than they are genetically prepped to.

Well with maturity, you need experiences and chances to test out independence (safely). we deny many children those experiences, and chances at independence (homeschool, public school or private alike, for once I am not arguing about schooling preference)

In general IMO America is raising kids to walk later, talk later, and grow up later. So marriage has to be pushed later and later regardless of meeting the right partner! (this is not to say marriage shouldn't happen late, it should happen sometime after you meet the right person, regardless of age)

[rob62521]

That would have a really lousy outcome for most women.


If a woman wants and education and a career, she is best served by getting it early. If she wants a family right away, more power to her.

I was just going to say something to that effect...most women make less and live longer, so maybe the wife should go back to school first and have more of a retirement built up if this is a scenario.

[rob62521]

Well, I think age is a number, but what really counts is the person. I was 29 and my husband was 43 when we got married. He was never a wild person who had to sew his wild oats -- he had never dated until I came along and was painfully shy. We dated officially over a year, but had been friends prior to that. We have the same morals, goals, and beliefs and I think that is what truly matters, not the age.

[loveviolet]

I don't think it matters with the age.. it matters with your love experience --- you can go really, really wrong if it's your first time. For the first time lovers, I strongly suggest you to live together for at least a year before getting married. Living together might not be as romantic as dating!

[Scanner]

That would have a really lousy outcome for most women.


If a woman wants and education and a career, she is best served by getting it early. If she wants a family right away, more power to her.

I was just going to say something to that effect...most women make less and live longer, so maybe the wife should go back to school first and have more of a retirement built up if this is a scenario.

If divorce is the worry (and I think that's a legitimate worry) then there should be compensation for "lost opportunity" cost.

Unfortunately, biology dictates (last time I checked. . .maybe I didn't get the memo) that women bear children optimally from 16 to 35.

Since they live longer. . .college can always come at a later time. . .especially if it isn't going to prepare them for career and it is just for education.

I mean, let's face it. . .and I really don't mean anythign by this and I am sure I am going to offend by saying something non-PC. . .it's kind of ridiculous to pay $125,000 if biology is going to steer you to being a SAHM.

Am I the only one who thinks this is cultural craziness?

I guess the point of my suggestion was that instead of having a cultural bias to delay marriage (and again, theorectical approved sexual relations within), perhaps a couple could "journey" together towards gaining more education.