Adult child won't leave - what would you do?

[questions]

My Son is now 22, moved back home 3 years ago after quitting college. He refuses to find work, does what he wants, and eats what he wants. Periodically he’ll pitch in for some food, clean only his room and do the dishes from time to time. He makes money off the internet but not enough to make it on his own. A few times during the week he’ll go out with his friends. As much as I love him he is driving me / us crazy. I've asked, told and threatened to throw him out but he just ignores my requests. I've asked him numerous times to help with the bills and pay a monthly room and board charge but he just refuses. Any time his Mom or I bring up the subject he looses his temper and starts screaming. This usually turns into a battle between the two of us with his mother getting between him and I. I've gotten to the point that he needs to leave but I don’t know how to make it happen. Giving a deadline did not work. He only forced my hands knowing I had no good way to keep him out. His Mom does not have the strength to support my reasoning.

When he moved back in 3 years ago he was depressed and lost, I’ll admit I gave him and continue to give him a hard time. I continue to push him to get work and get a place to live but he has learned how to avoid me by sleeping while I am home from work. I’ve watched him suffer through his depression. It took him over a year to get it together, numerous doctor visits, different med’s and finally he found some relief through exercise and eating properly. But these past 3 years have been turmoil for everyone in the family. His refusal to move on with his life just makes me frustrated. I was brought up to be independent. If my parents needed anything I was and still am there to help, and I’ve tried to convey this onto my children the best I could. My independence is what drove me to become a professional with an opportunity to retire at 45. But my son just lives his life as if he had no worries in the world. Parked in front of the computer, making his own meals (refuses to eat with us), out at night with his friends, up until 7am and sleeping all day. I can write a chapter on this subject but I guess it will have to wait.

I only want to see my son succeed in life. I love him dearly and miss the togetherness we shared before college. I can only hope.

[cooliemae]

Sounds somewhat like my sister, she recently moved back in with my parents and doesn't have an exit strategy.

I admit that I moved back in with my parents for a few months after finishing up college, but we all knew that it was short term and that as soon as I got a full time job I would be on my way.

I would have to say that your son needs a wake-up call. I know it sounds severe, but have you thought about changing the locks?

It's hard to give advice in these situations, because of the emotional ties to the child, but perhaps not being able to get back into the house would be a jolt to his system that he can't simply live at home without contributing to the household.

If that does wake him up to the situation, you can have a talk with him about setting some objectives (maybe getting back in school, contributing $$ to house, cleaning up the whole house, etc.) Then you can look at a slow exit strategy.

[kenny911]

I would talk with him about potentially going to college or finding a job and being supportive. Kicking him out really doesn't accomplish much. Yeah, it solves your problem but you don't know what it could do to the kid. He has no money and has had problems with depression in the past. Thats not a good sign. Independence is great but some people just need help or takes them longer to mature. If he likes computers, get him to do something with computers in school (computer engineer, science, etc...). He's still young, don't give up.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Nothing is going to work if you and your spouse do not agree on it.

[Seeker]

First thoughts:

1) Why did he quit college? What he studying something that he did not really want to? Or was he not keeping up? Was there an external reason -- like maybe a girlfriend?

2) Depression has many causes. Sounds as if he's gotten some relief from this, but if it's taken over a year out of those three years and he's got a temper and gets to where he's "screaming" at you, then there's still some issues there.


Things that you and wife need to recognize:

1) Joan is correct. You and your wife need to come to complete agreement on whatever is going to happen. If you two cannot agree on what to do, then you both need to come to terms with that fact that he may be with you for the rest of your lives. Because at this point, you're living under his terms right now.

2) Kenny is also correct. Depression is a dangerous thing. The son here, can harm himself or others if he loses it. And forcing a that person out into the world ("kicking them out") really will not help.


What I'd do if I were the Mom (she's already "put herself between you two guys -- so it needs to be Mom & Son alone for now):

Sit down with my son alone and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. You (Dad) need to be nowhere near them when they talk.... just not be home.

Son is having a hard time coming to grips with the fact of his adulthood.

Mom/Son talk here: Does Son have a girlfriend? Does Son ever want to have a girlfriend or wife? Maybe son is not comfortable with the opposite gender at all and would prefer another type of lifestyle?

I don't know. But Mom & Son need to be talking about his future, without anger, without threats and without screaming. And Son needs to be directed toward thinking about that future outside of himself.

Mom/Son talk continues.... when Son is thinking and talking about someone other than himself, Mom needs to direct the conversation to support. What kind of job would Son be interested in doing? Is there any kind of technical school training (since computers were mentioned previously) they (Mom/Dad) could help Son pay for with the goal of getting Son trained so that a technical school can place him into a job.

If Son starts to get angry; leave him alone to stew over the conversation. Don't argue, don't fight, don't contribute to anger. Just tell him that you and Dad want to be able to help and that you need to understand what he's thinking for his future.

Once Mom/Son have talked this out, Mom needs to talk with you (again without Son's presence). Hopefully by this time she'll have a better idea of what Son wants or needs that he's unable to accomplish by himself. Son is probably feeling overwhelmed and inadequate; his image of himself is not great as you probably know by telling us that he's avoiding you. It's best for you to not be there when they talk.

When your wife approaches you with these thoughts of your Son, the two of you need to determine whether or not you can help him in any way with getting the training to get a job that he'd like or with whatever he sees as being viable for him.

Once you two determine how you can help him to accomplish his goals, once you two agree.... THEN the three of you should be able to talk about this without screaming or yelling. To be a family is to be part of a team.

Son needs to feel support and may need help to get to where he wants to go. Kicking him out could cause a greater rift in the family and if something happens to him or others because of taking that route.... how would you feel then?

If son cannot determine a future for himself, and Mom cannot get Son to think outside himself, then I'd seriously consider getting a psychiatrist involved.

[cschin4]

His staying "stuck" is fueling his depression. And, the reason he is getting so angry is because at this point he is very comfortable and change is quite scary. And, he is going to have to face a point of "sink or swim" unless you are prepared to fund and have him live with you for the rest of his life. You are simply going to have to force his hand for his own good.
Anyway, here is what I would do. I would start shopping for apartments. The main thing is to get him out of your house. I would find a cheap but decent studio apartment (one that he could afford IF he had a job) and then go ahead and pay the rent and security deposit for 3-6 months. Then, I would move him in, fill up the refrigerator, kiss him on the cheek and say "good luck". At that point, it is then up to him. He will start to have mounting bills and then soon rent will come due. And, an empty belly is also one of life's great motivators.
Fast foward, he may get kicked out of his apartment. At that point, he will need to decide to get roommates, move in with someone else, join the Army or whatever he needs to do.
But, also realize that some people are very satisfied with living a life of just having "enough". And, be careful not denigrate him if that is the kind of life he chooses. I respect anybody who is working and paying their own bills be they a surgeon or gas station attendant. All work is valuable and important. I can't stand hearing people denigrate "flipping burgers" as if that is somehow unworthy. Flipping burgers is a valuable job to society demonstrated by the fact that someone is willing to pay someone to do it.
You are in the position of "tough love". And, yes it may be a painful transition for all of you. But, keep the goal in mind which is seeing your son be self sufficient which will also make him feel much better about himself as well.

[cschin4]

If there are some concerns about his depression and harming himself, then I suggest you meet with his counselor. However, millions of people suffer from depression who do not harm themselves or others. And, he may be using his depression as a "threat" to keep him in your home and on the financial nipple. And, chronic depression is much different than suicidal depression, schizophrenia, etc.
And, since we don't know the type of depression your son experienced you should be cautious with any advice given.
But, sit down with your son and wife and counselor and work out a plan together. If he refuses, then you, wife and counselor need to work out a plan and tell him you are making a plan WITH or WITHOUT him and suggest he get on board. And, at some point in life everyone is responsible for their own choices good or bad.

[kenny911]

I don't think the main thing should be throwing someone out of the house. In America, there is this weird thing when someone is 18, we tend to want to throw him out in the "real world". I never understood that when other countries/cultures stress a tight knit family and the child lives at home until they get married. Financially, you are hurting your child when you throw them out. Do you want your kid to save his money and move on or barely get by and have some landlord take his money? Maybe thats why we as a nation are in financial ruin.

The most important thing is to get that kid into college and find out what makes him tick. Don't we want the best for our children? The best wouldn't be throwing him into some apartment and forcing them to work at Walmart. The best would be to send him to school and let him live on campus somewhere. How are his friends? What do they do? Maybe they are a negative influence.

[scfr]

Have you tried family counseling? Some counselors specialize in "life transitions" issues. It would be nice if you could find someone who would work with your family 3 ways:

- One on one with your son alone
- With you and your wife as a couple
- Finally, with the 3 of you all together

Your son does need to transition to independence. Some impartial outside perspective might be really helpful in accomplishing that.

[LuxLiving]

No time to read all the replies, but you and your wife agree on a date. Say 3-4 months out. Give him the date and time of day that day that the locks will be changed. Period. Do it. Otherwise it will never happen. The 3-4 months is to give him time for gainful employment & apartment seeking. Let him stay w/those party friends after that time if he isn't employed or found his place. Sounds hard-boiled, but if you're both ready, you & spouse will have to Make It Happen. Change the locks. Do not give him a key.

[Bestmiler]

I don't think the main thing should be throwing someone out of the house. In America, there is this weird thing when someone is 18, we tend to want to throw him out in the "real world". I never understood that when other countries/cultures stress a tight knit family and the child lives at home until they get married. Financially, you are hurting your child when you throw them out. Do you want your kid to save his money and move on or barely get by and have some landlord take his money? Maybe thats why we as a nation are in financial ruin.

The most important thing is to get that kid into college and find out what makes him tick. Don't we want the best for our children? The best wouldn't be throwing him into some apartment and forcing them to work at Walmart. The best would be to send him to school and let him live on campus somewhere. How are his friends? What do they do? Maybe they are a negative influence.

x2...well said and so true

[gamecock43]

I was gonna suggest cschin4's plan. Find an affordable apartment, pay the first 3-4 months, then gradually decrease the amount you will pay, like month 5 =75% rent you will cover, month 6=50% you will cover, ect.
keep us updated!

[tripods68]

I agree with most of what has been mentioned so far.

THere are more things involved here than just asking your son to get a job and to move out. Obviously, the depression has a lot to do with his mitigating factors that unable him to move on with his life. Perhaps a psychological trauma has deeper scars than what you led to believe. I don't know. But your son really needs talk to someone. I could in a way relate to your son because I faced the same circumstances growing up short of being diagnosed with depression. I was scared and didn't want to face the world after high school. I seriously thought I have nothing to offer to the world and to make it my own. Until I joined the military which cured me. Perhaps that's what your son is feeling right now. He needs directions in his life and who else could bring that directions that his parents. He feel depressed because he thinks his a big "Loser"; which explain his dropping out of college. Maybe it was about a girl. You really have to talk to your son to find the root cause. But you can't force the issue about "him" all the time. He will not listen to you or to anyone which harbors so many bad feelings. The way you treat or solve this situation will often dictates how your son will feel towards you long term. Whether that long term repercussion is a negative or a positive experience you should treat him with added respect and understanding (Not that you don't already do that) and just talk to him without the added pressures.

Just adding my two cents.

[aurielle]

If he is resistant to reasoning and unwilling to change then you need to have him legally evicted.

I don't say this lightly and its something I have had to do, and I have friends who had to do it with their children too so yes I do know how hard it is.

It forces them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. Sometimes ya gotta push that baby bird out of the nest so they can figure out how to fly on their own.

[myrdale]

As long as he was working on his education, I'd have no problem with him living at home. However your son is in a position where he is not not able to make it on his own, but at the same time the longer he waits the harder it will be.

In the short term, I would recommend you help him find a part time job. Just working, much less making money will help with his depression.

Though some might say "college isn't for everyone", I believe he has handicapped himself badly. By now he could be well into his senior year of a 4 year degree or possibly just finishing and starting in a career he'd love. He should look at enrolling in a local community college. Nothing fancy, but this way he will have something.

You should look at ways to motivate him to want to work / move out. Does he own his own car? Is he paying for the gas? If not he best invest in a good pair of shoes until he can afford to do so himself.

How about cutting off the internet or disconnecting it from his room. If he wants it, he needs to pay for it.

Once he does get a job, if college isn't in his future, then it would be time to look into an appartment. Something cheap and with in his budget.

Also as long as he is in YOUR house, he follows YOUR rules. This might include things like eatting at the table with the family, or not eatting at all.

Lastly you need to support him emotionally anyway you can, but continuing to support him financially will do nothing but make his life worse.