Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[LuxLiving]

PrincessPerky, I would think (of course I'm often wrong on the etiquette questions) that one could then politely answer, "you don't have to get us anything, but if you want to do something for us anyway, we've set up an account at Cooliemaeville Bank for our house-downpayment. Many people are just contributing to that by going in to the bank instead of buying a gift. We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

I don't normally run w/high society types so I'd probably just say "Dang girl, we don't need a thing. But some folks are giving cash to our downpayment fund."

Aleta, no need to apologize!

[InDebtInDC]

PrincessPerky, I would think (of course I'm often wrong on the etiquette questions) that one could then politely answer, "you don't have to get us anything, but if you want to do something for us anyway, we've set up an account at Cooliemaeville Bank for our house-downpayment. Many people are just contributing to that by going in to the bank instead of buying a gift. We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

Best advice. No more comments on this topic from me.

[LuxLiving]

InDebtInDC, hahaha!!! No, was speaking to Aleta I think!

Some Indians are from Calcutta! Hence if they were born there they are native Indians! Just not Native American Indians. Oh the world is a big old mish-mash place!!

To the SA population at large - I think many of us born in the USA'ers need to remember there is a larger world population out there and many of them are here posting! We've already had that discussion recently, yes? We're on the WWWeb folks. I have to remind myself of that every now and again! Everybody has traditions. THEY VARY from person to person!

I wouldn't dream of belching after a meal in a host's home. My Hubster of German descent wouldn't dream of not belching after a host has fed them a good meal. In his culture not doing it would be rude. Go figure! *Disclaimer, I'm sure not all Germans belch after being hosted!

[vsjhoc]

"...We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership."

This would be a good approach, although I would want to know who contributed (not how much) so I could write them a thank you note to tell them how much I appreciated their gift.

Anyone know how to solve that one? Maybe you could get the bank to give a list of depositors to the newlyweds.

[InDebtInDC]

InDebtInDC, hahaha!!! No, was speaking to Aleta I think!

Some Indians are from Calcutta! Hence if they were born there they are native Indians! Just not Native American Indians. Oh the world is a big old mish-mash place!!

To the SA population at large - I think many of us born in the USA'ers need to remember there is a larger world population out there and many of them are here posting! We've already had that discussion recently, yes? We're on the WWWeb folks. I have to remind myself of that every now and again! Everybody has traditions. THEY VARY from person to person!

I wouldn't dream of belching after a meal in a host's home. My Hubster of German descent wouldn't dream of not belching after a host has fed them a good meal. In his culture not doing it would be rude. Go figure! *Disclaimer, I'm sure not all Germans belch after being hosted!

I think you demonstrated exemplary sound advice and excellent cultural awareness. Thumbs way up for you. Good going, fellow INFJ


It has been my experience that people don't quite fully comprehend the full scope of what they say. Like you said, people whose family is from India but are born here could be considered native American Indians as well.

I have been struggling with this issue my whole life. People will say something extremely broad to mean something extremely narrow. Then when you bring back an interpretation that is within the broad interpretation, but not the narrow interpretation they originally intended, you get your head bitten off.

I think we should be clear and say precisely what we mean. People can't be expected to be mind readers.

[InDebtInDC]

I would want to know who contributed (not how much) so I could write them a thank you note to tell them how much I appreciated their gift.

Anyone know how to solve that one?

How about you send a generic thank-you note to everyone with subtle hints that you appreciate their gifts? Perhaps draft the note in a way that the people who didn't give wouldn't be alienated, and the people who did give feel like you've acknowledged them.

[disneysteve]

We set it up where we won't know the amount of any one person's gift, but everyone will be helping us pursue our dream of home ownership.

I wouldn't like that approach. Why shouldn't the bride and groom know who gave them what. If you were given a check instead of a bank deposit, you'd know the amount. If you were given a tangible gift instead of money, you'd know the approximate value of that item. Why shouldn't you know the gift amount this way? I don't see any reason to hide the amount of the gift. If someone was particularly generous, I'd want to acknowledge them accordingly. And I'd want to keep that in mind if the opportunity to reciprocate arose in the future.

[LuxLiving]

Good points DisneySteve.

[cooliemae]

Well, I'm glad to see I sparked such a good discussion...

For the record, neither myself nor my fiance are expecting anyone to give us a gift, but we know that people will be asking.

I have already spoken with our parents about our wishes (much to the disappointment of my southern MS mother) and of course they will be gently spreading the word as questions are asked.

We will probably be doing some combination of the suggested posting.

It's funny how everywhere there are different etiquettes for events. My fiance grew up with the understanding that when one attended a wedding you provided enough money for your meal, plus a little extra for the bride and groom. I grew-up with a more pragmatic view, that if you're going to get the bride and groom something, get what they want (cash or present doesn't matter).

Thanks for all input!

[disneysteve]

My fiance grew up with the understanding that when one attended a wedding you provided enough money for your meal, plus a little extra for the bride and groom.

I've never understood this method. First, I have no idea how much the meal cost and I think it would be rude to ask. Second, the reception is typically being paid for by the bride's family, not the bride and groom, so why should the amount of the gift be tied to the cost of the wedding since the money isn't going to the people who are paying the bills anyway. Third, why should people who choose to (and can afford to) have a fancier affair get larger gifts than someone who prefers (or can only afford) a more modest affair? If anything, the folks of more modest means are probably the ones who can most use the money.

[fruitbowlk]

My cousin had a money trip put up at her wedding. We didn't ask for any money but that is what was given to us. So maybe you won't have to ask. But if you do. Say we would like a blessing towards our future house.

[PrincessPerky]

I've never understood this method. First, I have no idea how much the meal cost and I think it would be rude to ask. Second, the reception is typically being paid for by the bride's family, not the bride and groom, so why should the amount of the gift be tied to the cost of the wedding since the money isn't going to the people who are paying the bills anyway. Third, why should people who choose to (and can afford to) have a fancier affair get larger gifts than someone who prefers (or can only afford) a more modest affair? If anything, the folks of more modest means are probably the ones who can most use the money.

Ditto that! I certainly didn't want my broke friends to skip my wedding just because my not as broke family could afford a fancier plate per person...

We got a cards with less than $10 in them, we were still appreciative. wouldn't have even begun to cover the cost of the dinner (much less open bar) but it wasn't the point, we wanted our friends there..the ones unemployed and the ones with lousy jobs..and the family with good jobs. (we didn't have any friends with good jobs that I know of...)

[disneysteve]

Ditto that! I certainly didn't want my broke friends to skip my wedding just because my not as broke family could afford a fancier plate per person

Exactly. Your gift should reflect YOUR budget and financial situation, not that of the bride and groom. If you can only afford $10, give $10. If you can afford $100, give $100. We base our gifts partially on how close we are to the couple getting married. Distant family gets less than close family and friends. We don't care if the wedding is being held in the backyard or in the ritziest place in town.

[Aleta]

My son and his wife had a very high end affair on a plantation that was absolutely beautiful. There were going to be those attending that couldn't afford expensive gifts like the other invitees did. My son and his wife registered with a few different places and listed items that could be purchased separately such as spoons, knives, kitchen towels. They listed the number that they wanted and it was up to whoever wanted to buy how many they could afford. My son's attitude was that if someone could only buy a spoon and that was their gift - that he would be happy with that. They wanted more for everyone invited to attend to enjoy the wedding festivities with them. Believe me, alot of people went home with great memories without having to feel like they had to pay for the wedding. Gifts are always an extra that should come from ones's finances and the heart. Like Steve said, depending upon how distant the relative is has alot to do with the gift.

[pretty cheap jewelry]

HoooWeee no doubt you have touched a nerve here

Can you stand just one more itty bitty post?
I was in this exact position 14 years ago.
We both had fully functioning households before marraige.

We did not want more stuff, we did not know how to discourage more stuff.

Did we register? No, although there are way more places to creatively do so now (ie the camping store, Pier 1, etc.)

Did we ask for money? Yes, indirectly. Therein lies the uncomfortable part. You have to trust in that others will get the word around. Too bad your husband's business colleague (who is invited) doesn't know your Mother to be able to ask.

Did we get money? Yes. His family understood completely and without question.

Did we get stuff? Yes. We ruthlessly returned but nowadays return policies are tighter.

In conclusion? You will treasure the stuff you get and can't return anyway. It will be fun, believe me. Everything problem AFTER a wedding looks miniscule in hindsight.

GOOD FUTURE TO YA