Stay at home or Work?

[SnoopyCool]

Before becoming pregnant, we decided I (mommy) would stay home. We really want to give our kids the best foundation and that means I stay with them. A hard decision, but it has been the most rewarding. Financially, it has been hard but it works out.

[Spud]

For us, it was mostly a lifestyle decision. My husband works a lot of hours, and we worked together (though not in the same dept), so when one of us worked late, we both did, since we commuted together. We'd get home at 7:30, eat dinner at 8:30, go to bed at 10, and wake up at 5:30 to do it all over again. Weekends were full of errands that we didn't have time to do during the week. We had no time for fun, and were really going crazy. Shortly before we got married, I quit my job and never looked back. For about 2 years I was a stay-at-home-wife. That doesn't happen much these days! I didn't know whether to feel conservative and anti-feminist like June Cleaver, or so radical that I was an ultra-feminist.

That being said, it wasn't a huge financial sacrifice for me to stay home. I made enough for me to support myself when I was single, but my salary wasn't a lot by any means. Daycare costs and costs of work would have made my salary negligible. It's just not worth it to me. I'm much happier making sure everything is well-kept and organized (or at least semi well kept and semi organized!) around the house, and raising our baby the best way I know how.

Sometimes I think about maybe getting a P/T job once the kids are in school. Maybe work just enough to be able to qualify for health insurance and a 401(k). I'd like to be a front desk person. Answer the phone... greet people... type a letter... mail packages... and not think about my job when I go home at night. Maybe I could have a job-share with another mom or something. Or maybe I could work retail -- Pottery Barn or something -- and get a discount. Eh, that'll probably never happen. But it's kind of fun to think about!

I do worry about "The Three D's" as zetta called it. Not divorce so much, but my biggest financial fear is that my husband dies or gets sick/disabled and is unable to work. All our eggs are in his basket. We have good medical coverage through his work, but I'm sure we're not as insured as we should be... and I'm also not sure where to go to find out what we need to do to get there.

[PrincessPerky]

I stay home because I like my kids more than any other job...plus I am a teacher, so leaving my kids to go be with kids, isn't really a break! Though I would stay home at least most of the time regardless.

I do think new moms need breaks, I found mine in girls nights out, book clubs, game nights, and just plain putting the kids to bed early enough to enjoy my married life. (though that does tend to result in more kids .)

Financially teachers don't get paid more than the day care would cost, so it works for us that way too, though I would do it regardless.

I also homeschool, Which I do for MANY reasons, one of the most important being the quality/speed of education. One on one with me doing anything they need is much more efficient than a class of 30 where role call has to be done children must be lined up and all must share the one or two teachers in the room (even if I did need to do role call it only takes a second with three! and sharing mommy with your brother and sister is far easier than sharing with 29 other children)

[sweeps]

Financially teachers don't get paid more than the day care would cost

Yes, but did you count the pension?

[MonkeyMama]

You know, around here I blog/speak much about the financial reasons why my spouse (hubby) stays home, but it was a personal decision we made long ago. It really had little to do with finances. We wanted to raise our kids ourselves.

With time I think we have decided in an ideal world we would both work part-time. If we had known this before, we would have worked towards this goal.

I have the next best thing. I know the kids are well cared for (who else will care better for them than a parent?) & most of the household stuff is taken care of by hubby. So I don't identify with the plight of most working moms. I also have a pretty flexible schedule. So best of all worlds.

The only other thing I had to add was that I was fiercely anti-daycare before I had kids. Things change once you have kids. They have different personalities, and you learn that being with them 24/7 doesn't make you a good parent. In some cases it makes you a worse parent (just so exhausting). We send both our kids to part-time daycare now. Not necessity at all, but it is really good for them - both for different reasons. It was more for them than my spouse, but the stress factor is way decreased with everyone getting a break from each other once in a while. So yeah my tune has certainly changed there. I always read the comments about not letting strangers raise your kids. Well, duh. Our kid's daycare is our second family. We don't have family real local, so this is the next best thing. I can't imagine not having that support system.

Likewise, I did not *get* the mommy wars in the least with my first kid. He was fiercely independent and extroverted and bright, and he needed more than we could really provide. This is why we started considering daycare when we had once been so against it. Likewise, he was only awake 2-4 hours every day while I Was at work. Some of my SAHM friends REALLY annoyed me as they clearly thought I Was terrible to work. I breastfed and saw him at lunch every day, and he mostly slept while I Was gone. I didn't get what the big deal was. He went from infant to toddler in a few months (Walked at 9 months, etc.) Then I had another child. He was more what I expected. I didn't know there was this whole baby stage between infant and toddler. IT was just SO different. & yeah I missed a LOT more waking hours with him (he just didn't sleep much) so it was a very different experience with him. I actually stayed home 8 weeks with my first child and was very fine with that. The second one I stayed home 6 months and it was hard to go back. Just very different experiences. & they needed very different parenting styles. I don't think baby #2 would have thrived as much if I Went back to work at 8 weeks with him. But we kind of took their lead and made it work best we could. I guess my point being, the best laid plans, when you have kids? You never know how it is really going to be...

I have to agree with Zetta in that it really depends, on returning to work. I could have taken a year or 2 off of my job and it would have been sitting waiting for me. Or finding another job would not have been a prob. I also have a very flexible schedule. But talking to my other mom friends I find this to be quite rare.

I think it will always be a different story if you are out of the work force 5-15 years then if you just take a year or 2 off. Those are 2 totally different scenarios. My spouse has been out of the workforce almost 6 years. HE may have some part-time opportunities later this year when the eldest starts school. BUT he is probably going to go back to school and update his degree before he even bothers trying to jump in. We always figured this was a chance to start over in a career he would enjoy more. It was an easy decision because he didn't like the track he is on. If he starts over in his early 30s, big whoop. Most people don't know what they want to do anyway in their 20s, so we figured why not have kids instead... He still is young enough that we don't feel much financial setback if he starts over in a few years. No intention to go back into his old field though.

[M-squared]

In my family, both of us work. We could probably scrape by with just DH working but my job has fantastic benefits, so I don't want to give those up. Besides, as much as I love and adore my children, I am just not cut out to be a SAHM, nor do I think that DH is cut out to be a SAHD. We were lucky to have found a fantastic woman who runs an in-home day care. She is like family to us. In fact, the kids call her "Auntie."

[feh]

My wife stayed home full-time after our son was born. We were (are) fortunate that we can live fairly comfortably on my salary alone.

My wife often says it was the best decision we ever made, and that she would not give up that experience for anything.

Our son is now 8 and my wife works part time, but she's always home when he gets off the bus (she works for the school district, so she's home with him all summer). He's never been in day-care.

There are trade-offs, of course. Before becoming a Mom, she was making a pretty good salary, and we were saving a ton of money for retirement. We're still able to save about 20% of our income, but we're not socking it away like we were when we were DINKs.

Also - she'd have a very hard time getting back to the salary she made 10 years ago. She worked her way up in a company by being an excellent employee. She wasn't doing anything she was specifically trained for in college, so if she wanted to start working full time again, she'd be starting over in a sense.

But, some things are more important than money, IMO.

[tripods68]

When our kids were born, my wife and I continued working since our family helped cared for our kids during the day which saved us thousands. DW works 3 days off 4, while I work 5 days a week. We talked about me staying home because she makes way more, but my state pension (besides our other retirement accounts 403b, 457,roth) will fund our golden years one day. So it is important I continue to work. At the same time, we continue to save and live below our means while and still affords some of the good things in life. More importantly, we continue to spends quality time and with our kids every day and everynight.

[mom-from-missouri]

For me to work full time, I would not make anything. If I worked FT locally, it would cost more in fuel and childcare than I would earn. To drive to the city would be the same thing.
So, our solution is for me to be a SAHM and we cut back on certain items. I also sub teach, and can do so without having to pay for childcare if my husband is off or on nights. The ony time I have to turn down a sub job is if he is on days.

[stressedmama]

Before I had kids I always thought I would just go back to work. Then my first son came. I stayed home with him for 4 1/2 months and then went back to work. It was so hard. I considered quitting, but to do so would have meant living paycheck to paycheck on hubby's salary. Plus my benefits were far better then his. So I went back part time (3 days a week).

After our second son came along, and again taking 4 1/2 months off, I have continued working part time and finally feel great about it. My kids are only in daycare 3 days a week, I get the benefit of having 2 days a week entirely with them by myself, I keep my great benefits, I get a break from being a SAHM and my kids get some needed interaction with other kiddos their own age. A big relief is that we have finally found a daycare that were we really like the teachers and is run more like a school vs a babysitting service. It's nice knowing that I can go back full time one if I decide to and will be earning a decent salary. In the mean time I'm still able to contribute to my 401K and am vested in a traditional pension plan. So, I think working part time has worked out best for us even though before I had kids it never crossed my mind.

[M-squared]

Wow! I never thought that I would be in the minority as a FT working mommy. Interesting.

[cashqueen]

M-squared, I am also a full-time working mommy out of necessity. I generally avoid these types of thread b/c I get offended with all the 'I don't want someone else raising my kids' and 'you could do it if you really wanted to' comments. That aside, I work out of necessity. It would be $650/month for family health ins at DH's job and considering he only brings home about $1500/month that is cost prohibitive. Sure, he could get a higher paying job (he certainly has the credentials/experience) but he doesn't want to and I can't make him. So in that respect I suppose it's a lifestyle choice (his, not mine). In my perfect world I would work maybe 2 days a week to keep me 'stimulated' but *I* don't have that choice.

[M-squared]

cashqueen: Agreed on the getting offended. I don't put much stock in the so called "mommy wars." Yes, I suppose we could do it on just one salary if we had to, but I don't want to. My benefits (health, retirement, etc) are much better than DH's. Plus, I work at a college and part of my benefit package is full tuition at my school or half of my school's (currently over $40K a year) tuition at any college or university my children want to attend. That is something I don't want to give up.

Aside from the money, I want my son and daughter to see their mom as a successful professional who loves them unconditionally, but also has a career. We know that we don't get to spend much time as a family, so we make what we do have work for us. That means dinner at the table together every night, and no tv while the children are awake. DH and I read, play and do puzzles with the kids every night. DS helps us cook dinner (DD is still to young). I know that I am a better person for working. I don't have it in me to be a SAHM.

The "I don't want a stranger raising my kids" sort of rankles me a bit. Our day care provider isn't a stranger. She is "Auntie Peace." She is special. Every year her house is FULL of cards at Christmas and her birthday from families and adults who went through her care. When her MIL died the house looked like a funeral home with all the flowers that people sent for a woman who they had never met. Peace and her husband had a memorial service at their house for the MIL last summer. (MIL lived in Ghana as Peace and her husband are African.) I think that almost a hundred people (including us) showed up for the service because we love "Auntie" and "Uncle" so much.

Anyway, that was a bit off topic. Sorry for the detour.

[LuxLiving]

Peace sounds like a lovely woman - I'm a SAHM because I wanted to homeschool my kids, however, the lady who did watch my kids when I needed a day out or to go to a medical appointment, was also a Peace type. She was no stranger to any of the kids in the neighborhood. Her yard had no grass! A good sign. My kids are long past that stage and our Peace has passed away, but I still miss her!

Not off topic at all, because we all make the choices we make to give our families the best we can of what we think they need. Sounds as if you and your spouse probably do more with your children than lots of stay at home parents.

[Gruntina]

Her yard had no grass! A good sign.

Can you explain how that would be a good sign? I am not getting it.. thanks.