Did you consider spouse's spending habits before marriage?

[Broken Arrow]

Well, when I got married at 23, the last thing on my mind was money. Although I wasn't flashy or spendy, frugality and fiscal responsibility wasn't exactly a part of my vocabulary.

In fact, being a single mother at the time, my ex-wife was much more financially savvy and responsible than I am.

However, as the years went by, the roles flip-flopped. I'm not entirely sure how or why. Perhaps she started to get used to being in debt, whereas I started to become scared of it. Whatever it is, it became the catalyst of our eventual divorce.

From now on, regardless of what type of relationship I find myself in-- if any-- l am always going to operate from the premise of financial responsiblity. I don't think that's demanding much.

[MonkeyMama]

Yes, but financial security has always been of upmost importance to me. So important that I don't think I could have married someone, or even really gotten along well with someone who was opposite in that regard.

All the same, people change and we can't always choose who we love, so I think there is only so much you can do.

My husband and I are both slow and cautious in whatever we do and was considered in our courtship and all that. We waited 7 years to marry and quite a few years to have kids - just wanted to be really sure before we made such huge commitments. But you know, I know few like us all the same. It has got to be tough though when you grow and change in some regard and your spouse doesn't, but it seems like we will all face that somewhat in our marriages. Though as far as finances I am not too worried - we always see pretty eye to eye. I can't imagine much would change us, we have lived on a lot of money and little and not much has changed. Neither of us went crazy when we had more money or anything, and I know we can survive on little, so that is the good here.

Anyway, though we agree 99% on our money, we still have that other 1% debate once in a blue moon. I could have been one ranting about dh here and there bit doesn't really mean much - we don't have much conflict in that regard. But for the conflict we do I guess I am awed if anyone really sees eye to eye 100% of the time - is that really possible?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Monkeymama how old were you though? I think people wait longer to get married the earlier they meet. After all if you were 15/16 when you meet, not many get married two years later at 18 or something.

[lieweheksie]

when DH and I met we were both broke and not really interested in money( both of us were activists who worked to stop from starving)- but he was very generous with whatever money he had and that definitely influenced my decision

[zetta]

When DH and I were first dating I was concerned because he regularly surprised me with 4 dozen roses -- I loved the flowers but was worried he was a big spender and I knew that wouldn't be compatible long-term. Many months later I discovered he was getting getting them from Costco so it was only costing him $16! Big-time bonus points!

For me one of the key things when dating was to make sure the other person believed in paying off credit cards in full and not carrying a balance. I suppose if I'd met someone fantastic who was a reformed spender who was working hard at paying off the debt that would've been ok, but in general I was not interested in dating anyone who spent more than they could afford.

On the other hand, my DH and I probably should've had more conversions about investing and what percentage to save before we married, but in general it's turned out ok.

[Scanner]

My wife and I are fairly responsible spenders and savers. . .however. . .where we have a huuuuugggge bone of contention in our marriage is my penchant for risk-taking and her ultra-conservative philosophy.

And it probably wasn't uncovered during courtship. Maybe it should have been.

She married a business person and that's not easy if you are ultra-conservative like she is (her mother and father never had a mortgage and her brother doesn't even own a credit card) because with business comes risk. And when you mediate risk, well then. . .you lose reward.

I love her but in a lot of ways we aren't compatible but as the years pass, I guess we are getting to be. Of course, at 38 y.o., I can't afford to be as risky as at 28 y.o. so that helps.

I really advise men not to get married until 40 y.o. - there's an old saying - "no man is worth a damn until they're 40." It's kinda true.

And women are attracted to money to a large degree (if not, you would see women marrying street bums). . .I think you couple this with the saying on 40 year old men, you create a formula for a happier marriage. Women want a conservative man with some wealth/net worth to bring home and provide for them.

This stereotypical moment was brought to you by Scanner

[Scanner]

BTW, if DisneySteve would allow me some discretion here to run a little with the topic - there's a great flick kind of about this - about choices men make, risks, rewards - it's called "Family Man".

In this movie, Nicholas Cage (good actor) plays a single, successful bachelor living a lot of guys dream life - getting to be a bit of a playboy, lots of money, and no kids to raise. He lives his potential in his career at his office by being a top executive of a company. He actually feels very fulfilled, even somewhat arrogant about his lot in life.

Through some fate and Hollywood writing magic, a dark angel is visited upon him who "curses" him to a life he never wanted to live - being a Family Man.

He wakes up one day to discover he's got a wife (an old flame he broke up with), 3 kids and works as a "tire salesman", has a proverbial best friend, and the suburbian bowling league and all (the writers do a good job of sterotypifying the surburban male lifestyle). I guess he drives a mini-van too.

He then lives out his year in somewhat of regret and love at the same time - changing dirty diapers, having rare sexual encounter with his wife, always wondering if he could have done better by taking a career risk, and now sees the trap of having to support a family - he can't take risks.

But of course, he loves it too.

In the end (sorry if I spoil it - it's still worht the rent though - really), he is able to reconcile the positives of being a family man with the positives of living a somewhat empty bachelor life - the angel fulfills his mission.

I don't know - the movie spoke to me in an odd way - the conflicts all males have on career and family and I guess women are experiencing more.

I think all women should watch it - sure, some of the desires the male has are juvenile but yet, I think any male would be lying if they didn't feel like Nicholas Cage in the movie.

Someone described marriage for males as sort of being a domesticated cat - you look out the window. . .you would really like to go prowling. . .probably all harmless stuff. . .you would like to get out. . .but you can't. You know it's warmer in here and your well-fed.

But yet. . .you yearn.

I think it's the only reason a man keeps a cat around.

LOL.

[asmom]

Great question. NO, I didn't consider my spouse's spending habits. I made a grave error: I assumed that he was financially responsible. I based this assumption on the fact that my father was/is a prolific saver, very conscious of how he spends his money and how he utilizes credit. For some reason, I thought my husband would be the same way, after all he was a man. Ya, silly I know. I was very, very young when we got married. I also assumed that we would be working together to achieve common financial goals, ie security, wealth, etc. I was wrong. He had his own agenda based on his personal insecurities and shame related to having grown up on welfare. To all the young ladies out there, consider my story a cautionary tale. Ask and observe.

[kateochang]

Important Criteria

I'm not married yet but to be honest, I take into consideration when it comes to my future partner's spending habits and also his family financial background. Very important because that will determine my future life with him. Bad financial background will influence the way you live later on with your kids too.

I've dated guys with bad financial background and somehow, I'm glad the relationship is over.

[scfr]

We knew that neither of us had any debt and that we both had a bit of savings. We both admitted that we had some wasteful spending habits and had much to learn about budgeting, saving, and managing money. We agreed to work together to improve our financial situation. Most importantly, we knew about each other that we were responsible and respectful of each other, and that if we committed to each other to improve our financial situation, we would. And we did.

There was something about suddenly being responsible for another human being, plus knowing that we had a "teammate" in each other, that was very encouraging.

Now things are quite different, and if God forbid one of us were to die and either were to remarry, it would be a completely different scenario. I would insist on a pre-nup plus a viewing of a balance sheet & income statement, and I hope my DH would too if he ever remarried.

[pearlieq]

DH and I were engaged when I was 19 and he was my first real boyfriend, so I wasn't as savvy then as I would be now.

But even then, two things were very important to me:

1.) DH's finances were a mess, but he was willing to change and willing to let me take the lead with our money. There have been some stumbles over the years, but his willingness to listen to me and to try to improve has made us successful as a couple.

2.) DH has ambition. I couldn't marry a guy who wasn't ambitious. He didn't need to be rich, but he needed to have goals and to make progress toward those goals.

All in all, I feel like I married very well!

[jIM_Ohio]

wife and I married at 29/28 yo. The part about being "debt averse" is growing on her, and to me that is the basis for most successful financial plans.

We do not see eye to eye on retirement savings and early retirement. This is ongoing, as the issues on some of this did not come up until this year.

she does the checkbooks and I do the long term planning... this is working out OK. We also have decided to sit down once a month and discuss this until we get to a happy medium.

Actually just got back from a vacation which is important... if money is not spent then life really isn't livable... I am slowly learning that too.

the levels of financial discpline vary.
1) debt
2) image
3) retirement
4) early retirement
5) kids education

to me #1 and #2 are where problems lie... 3-5 is in the details which have room for compromise more than 1-2.

[fairy74]

With my first husband, no not at all, a very big mistake, we had very different financial styles and goals and argued almost non-stop mainly about money. With DH yes, for sure (learned my lesson), especially because he has two children from a prior marriage to support. We took our time to make sure our financial, spriitual, emotional, family goals were the same before we got married and started a family.

[thekid]

Someone described marriage for males as sort of being a domesticated cat - you look out the window. . .you would really like to go prowling. . .probably all harmless stuff. . .you would like to get out. . .but you can't. You know it's warmer in here and your well-fed.

But yet. . .you yearn.

I think it's the only reason a man keeps a cat around.

LOL.

Great writting Scanner. I think most males will relate to a certain degree. Certainly brought a smile to my face.

[FrugalPixie]

In one of our early conversations, my husband told me that he picked up his waterbed frame off the side of the road. That was one of the things IN his favor. He also went out yard saling with his mom on Saturdays. Another point for Hubby!!

I learned later in our relationship that his ex-wife was a spendthrift. He did not trust me because of her mistakes. We had a few heated discussions but in the end he realized that I am not her and never will be.