Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

**tinapbeana** · 12-14-2006, 03:37 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Originally posted by tgavin71

He keeps says how proud he is of the way that I handle the money but he doesn't know that I am just about ready to throw in the towel.

wow, this statement sounds a lot like me and my DH sometimes!!!

i think separating the finances a little bit sounds like a pretty good idea, especially having the work only credit card. just tell him the truth: you're having a hard time keeping up with what charges and what withdrawals are for him, the house, or work, and it would make it a lot easier for you to keep a handle on things if he only used X credit card for the work stuff. i'm guessing this approach would work a lot better than saying he's causing some of the frustration. it might be true, but not likely to get a good response from him!

as for the weekly allowance/mad money, my DH agreed to have a certain amount of his paycheck deposited into the house account every pay period and the remainder goes into his account. that way, if somehow the check were to be more than usual, he'd get to keep the difference and feel like he got a prize

if it were somehow lower than usual, the house would get the amount it always does and his allowance would be lowered.

**Broken Arrow** · 12-14-2006, 05:08 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Cash.

The ideal arrangement is to convert his amount to cash, and have him carry nothing else but that.

**SavedintheCity** · 12-14-2006, 05:15 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Great ideas all. Divide and conquer as they say. Set up another checking and have the mad money set up to autodebit. That way, any ATM fees that he gets for withdrawals get sucked out of the mad money and not the budgeted stuff, maybe he will learn to not make so many withdrawals when it starts to be very clear how it affects his fun money. One thing about this plan that I find a little disconcerting is the credit card for the company reimbursements. You seem to instinctively sense that he is not getting reimbursed for everything from his office. When the money is sitting on a credit card and interest is compounding on it, it might become a REAL problem if he doesn't get reimbursed (either through laziness on his part, or refusal by his employer.) You may want him to get a COMPANY credit card for his purchases, it at all possible. That way, the issue of reimbursement is totally irrelevant.

**LuxLiving** · 12-14-2006, 05:38 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Separate credit card for company purchases ONLY. YOU control it. Get the reimbursements and match up payments to receipts (paybacks come in the paycheck?).

THEN, you take away his atm card and checkbook. Then he goes strictly by cash that you hand him on a given day every week. Period. Is he stepping over the edge into possibly causing the family credit damage if you allow this to go unchecked???

Sounds to me as if you need to show him WHY his actions are throwing things off track. Do you have a set of books to show him?

Come on guys, she needs help figuring out how to get him on board!! Anybody got any great ideas??? What is his one big future goal that his spendthriftyness is sabatoging?? Can you show him how quickly he'd reach it if he stuck to his allowance cash only? Get some reward out there in front of him.

**Ima saver** · 12-14-2006, 05:54 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Well, I give my husband a cash allowance of $60 a week. He uses most of it for gasoline. I have never given my husband an atm card, nor do I have one. He does use a credit card to buy materials for the job at Home depot, but he brings home the receipts everyday and I write them down in a seperate notebook immediately.

**PrincessPerky** · 12-14-2006, 05:57 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Tell him you are ready to throw in the towel and why..tell him about the troubles, and tell him how you can't keep track and remind him of your goals together..if you can get HIM to suggest a seperate account, it will be that much easier to swallow.

guys have a hard time with 'wife wont let me buy'

My husband would too (I would have a hard time with he wont let me buy!)

Instead it needs to be a goal HE is willing to work torward, and HE has to be ready to talk about it in the face of peer pressure or just ads.

My husband has a line and he has a 'look at the bright side' litany, whenever he sighs about not going out to eat (for the 5th time in a work week..) he has a whole internal list of why on earth we sacrifice that way. Some people might find an external list easier.

some people have a picture of the goal pasted on their CC, like dream vacation, or college cap, or whatever..if you have a reason to curb is spending, ask him what it is, write it down, cut out a picture, print it up, or put your art skills to use..whatever it takes.

I also think a regular check in helps..not weekly if you can avoid it, but say biweekly or monthly to ooh and aww over CCs going down, or savings going up..or just plain yep really there is 100 for groceries for 2 weeks, buy less stuff, and don't complain about ramen noodles yet again.....hopefully you don't have that conversation, hopefully you get to dream about your future or whatever.

Also if you can find out what he is actually spending, you might find he is used to 200 or 400 or more..hard to go from that to 'just' 75...might have to wait on that till after you get him to seperate the work and self stuff.

And last but not least..don't join him, lead by example..I know easier said than done, and try not to rub it in..congratulate small steps..no matter how small, the goal is nt to be better than him, or to 'cure him' the goal is overall betterment..in whatever category he is working on..the only time to rub is when he whines for the fifteenbillionth time in a week "I havn't had any pop for ages.." then the line of I have barely had any for 5 years..(the first pregnancy) is in order IMO!

**Broken Arrow** · 12-14-2006, 05:59 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Sigh.

It's true that financial restrictions are not enough. Sometimes, that could cause tension, because the spouse will not understand why you are doing this to them.

So, yes, they need to understand. You need to sit them down and have them see what's going on. Even give them a bill to handle, so they'll have better understanding of what you are facing.

Even then, there's no guarantee that they will understand right away. Something somewhere in their head has to click and realize that, "Hey, I'm on borrowed money, borrowed time... and it's slowly strangling me to death, taking away my future, my hopes and dreams, and the pursuit of a happy life." Only then will financial responsibility be possible, I think, but not before.

It won't be easy though... and it most likely won't happen overnight.

**Aleta** · 12-14-2006, 06:01 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

I am like you in that I'm the one doing all the bookkeeping for the home and for the business. I've heard some great ideas here. I like the one about his own account that makes him accountable for his own actions without it having anything to do with your budget. I also like the cash plan. I have the same situation in that I'm on the budget, my husband is not. As long as you're being wise about the money and oh yes, sometimes you have to break the baby away from the bottle and maybe he needs his own account. Just make sure it is in the same bank and transfer money into there and voila he's responsible for it, fees and all. You guys are awesome with your advice.

**JanH** · 12-14-2006, 09:17 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

We had a company credit card. It was separate from our regular cards and I got a separate bill with the charges on it. The reimbursements came from the company directly deposited into our checking account so I could match it up. The company phone bill I paid also and Hubby took it to work and they reimbursed the same way. I kept both bills in a separate file and had an impending sheet to track it. I think they are right. Set up a separate account with allowance and separate credit card. I can't imagine letting the company see our personal credit statements! If it goes over better, you might say you are going to set up an allowance account for yourself, too. Even if you don't need one. Good luck, until we got this figured out, it was a logistical problem!

**vsjhoc** · 12-14-2006, 10:32 AM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Originally posted by JanH

I can't imagine letting the company see our personal credit statements!

I had a job where we had to use our own credit cards and get reimbursed (they used to give out company cards until some jerk ruined it for everyone). They demanded that we provide the original statement, but I refused, saying that the statement belonged to me and they would have to be happy with a copy. Plus I blacked out all other info like the previous balance, non-work charges, credit limit, etc. I had to submit the underlying receipts as well, so I don't know why they were so fussy about wanting the original statement.

**zakity** · 12-14-2006, 12:25 PM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

I always question DH about things on the cc. I check it often because of identity fraud. It has paid off. He ordered a car part and somehow got a membership charge for some other place. I caught it the next day and questioned him. He called and got it removed. It was only $9.99, but still, that was $9.99 that was in my pocket and not theirs.

He knows that I am not questioning to track his every move and that I am just making sure that all the charges are ours. A long time ago, we did have charges on our card that wasn't ours. The cc company had put it on the wrong account (this was like 10 years ago). I asked DH back then if he had made the charges and he said that he didn't. I called the cc and they were like "oops". Apparently, there had been a glitch in the system somewhere and that had happened to several people's bills.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 12-14-2006, 01:47 PM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Wow, have I got it easy. I give DH $20 when he runs out and he's cheapskate so it's pretty good. I have no idea what I would do if my DH went out and spent money. Cut him off in more ways than one?

**neatdesign** · 12-14-2006, 02:34 PM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Wow, can I feel your pain.

My problem with Mark is that we seem to doing a lot of TALKING but not a lot of DOING when it comes to our finances. Especially him. I manage 99% of it, and thankfully I can't say he's exactly irresponsible. It's not like he goes out and blows money on porn or expensive gadgets or stuff like that.

Mark works in a bookstore, so he gets a discount on anything he buys there. So I think he ends up buying more than he normally would if he didn't have the discount. You know, sort of like someone who's on a diet and thinks they can eat twice as much food as long as it's low-fat.

At least once or twice a week, Mark comes home with an expensive magazine (he buys the ones imported from his native England), a DVD or a book of some kind. His magazines alone cost about $10 each, WITH the discount, and he buys at least four a month that I know of. That's $480/year, just on magazines. (If you're wondering why he didn't just get subscriptions, it's because it actually costs a lot more that way.)

Another thing he does is buy himself a chocolate bar at the end of each workday from the store's cafe. And not just any chocolate bar -- a $2 chocolate bar! That's $10/week, roughly $520/year -- that's even more than the magazines!! I didn't find out about this until a month or two ago, and although he promised to stop buying them, he just confessed to me the other day that he still is.

I've thought of many of the ideas people have been suggesting in this thread. I suggested putting him a cash-only allowance; he doesn't want to do that because "American money is too bulky"! I suggested transferring funds once a week to a separate checking account with a debit card, and taking away his debit card from the main checking account; he's worried what would happen if he needed more funds in an emergency (a legitimate concern, I have to admit). I suggested that he doesn't have to buy EVERY magazine issue that comes out; he gave me a "you-can't-be-serious" glare. I even suggested that he use the $10/week he spends on chocolate bars on magazines instead; he agreed that was a great idea and yet he's still getting that stupid chocolate.

So now I've crossed into the "you're-not-suggesting-you're-nagging" territory. I try to explain that I'm not TRYING to nag, but obviously talking to him like an adult isn't working. And nagging isn't working, either. IT'S SO AGGRAVATING!

Ok, rant over.

So, you're definitely, most certainly, absolutely NOT alone in your frustration. I'm not sure what the answer is, because I haven't found what works for me yet. Hopefully I will someday, before we go broke because Mark can't live without his stupid magazines and his stupid chocolate bars.

~ Jenney

**tgavin71** · 12-14-2006, 03:30 PM

Re: Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget

Originally posted by Broken Arrow

Cash.

The ideal arrangement is to convert his amount to cash, and have him carry nothing else but that.

This would be ideal but the problem is is that he works 1500kms from where we live. If I could I would.
I used to do this when he worked here until one day he came home angry because he got embarrassed at work because they gave him stick about not putting in for something or other. He didn't have the money. I just said why didn't you say I don't have the money on me. Got a dirty look for that one. And he went and got the card.

Help! Hubby is sabotaging the budget