tips for dealing with a gambler?

**markio26** · 11-01-2006, 11:41 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

i have had a few friends like this.. i call it a fatal flaw... barb was an alcoholic, due to an abusive ex husband always talking to her negatively about anything she did.. supper was never okay, he always had to comment on something he did not like she had made, etc... she drank to forget his cruelty.. she has lost everything.. i give her kindness.. she has to improve on her own.. she has been in rehab many times, her daughter is a doctor and she cannot seem to break thru to her..
we have a friend who buys everything and dreams of making money with it, his name is shane.. he just recently bought out the inventory from a hardware store, and stored it in a rental storage... he does stuff like this and just lets it ruin.. he has two homes, full of purchases to sell.. his garages are full.. his wife leaves him and returns when he acts like he will stop this behavior..
we have a friend who gambles wherever she goes, her name is dot... she gambles at the vfw on the tickets, she plays bingo.. she bets on games, all year long.. spending fifty bucks to her is nothing.. she is always asking someone to take her to dinner, or treat her to a movie, or something.. she has been this way as long as we have known her... one time she asked a stranger in line at the grocery to pay for her items...
people with fatal flaws as we call them, have to want to change and help themselves.. they know what they are doing wrong.. they just cannot convince themselves of change...
your friend needs professional help... what does her family do to help her???

**Broken Arrow** · 11-01-2006, 11:44 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

My condolensces.

She's a former roommate right?

I don't know what kind of relation the two of you have, but... only she can save herself. If I was in your shoes, I would probably gently suggest some ways to get her spending under control. However, if I was tired of listening to it, then in the kindest way possible, I would tell her that I no longer wish to be the shoulder she can cry on.

In the end, she's an adult, it's her money, and therefore, it's her business. There's no need to get too worked up over her... especially if she doesn't want to do something about it. (10k in one weekend though. Ouch!)

**Broken Arrow** · 11-01-2006, 11:46 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Oh and congrats! You got my 1000th post!

(Maybe I need a life.... Nahhh....

)

**fairy74** · 11-01-2006, 11:54 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

thanks for the suggestions:

1. Yes, she is former roommate (rented a house together while in law school) she lives in FL, I now live in CA

2. She's a good friend, but I know deep down it is really not my problem and maybe I need to step away from the situation! It is sad to watch someone with so much potential cut themselves down repeatedly

3. I don't think her family knows, I never would have known either (she hides it well, but I would usually get the mail and finally said something to her) I think her boss knows, he suggested a gamblers anonymous type thing, but she laughed him off.

**Broken Arrow** · 11-01-2006, 11:56 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

It is sad to watch someone with so much potential cut themselves down repeatedly

I know exactly how you feel. My friends are like that too. I do try to sway their thinking sometimes, but in the end, there's isn't much I can do so I try not to let it get to me....

**fairy74** · 11-01-2006, 11:56 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Congrats on your 1000th post broken arrow-- I haven't been on this site long, but it is addictive in a good sense

**pearlieq** · 11-01-2006, 02:54 PM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

It's so hard to do, but it's OK if you want to step away from the situation. Just like an alcoholic or drug addict, there is nothing you can do to make them change their behavior. The only way they can change is if THEY want to.

If it's frustrating or unpleasant to listen to her complain about the after-effects of the problem, you are certainly entitled to set some boundaries. You can give her a time limit (10 minutes to discuss her financial problems), tell her you want to avoid the subject of money, or simply avoid hanging out with her.

**greedy4chips** · 11-01-2006, 06:41 PM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Once she hits HER rock bottom and not your idea of rock bottom then perhaps she will seek help for her addiction. I am doing a research project for my Sociology class and the Effects of Addictions on the Family. Friends should be included in there since many times friends are the only ones left for some addicts.

You could try the tough love approach of an intervention. Not sure how it works exactly.

Good luck!

**tinapbeana** · 11-01-2006, 07:03 PM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Originally posted by greedy4chips

You could try the tough love approach of an intervention. Not sure how it works exactly.

tough love is hardest (IMO) on those giving it not receiving it, but sometimes it's the only thing that works. it essentially boils down to an ultimatum that the person give up/seek help for a destructive behavior, or they lose something precious: in your case, the friendship. it's hard to stick to, and if someone is still caught up in the mythos of their own addicted world, it won't work. they'll chose the destructive behavior over almost anything.

**HalMd** · 11-02-2006, 05:29 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

I say print this thread and give it too her.

It is hard to even imagine a promising Lawyer having her car repossesed.

**vsjhoc** · 11-02-2006, 06:42 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Originally posted by HalMd

It is hard to even imagine a promising Lawyer having her car repossesed.

Lawyers can be just as human as people are.

Among all professions, they have the highest rates of depression, alcoholism, and career disatisfaction.

**fairy74** · 11-02-2006, 07:21 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Thanks for all the thoughts, I have decided to institute a five minute time limit when I talk to her. That way I will not get too bogged down in her morass. I don't want to cut her out totally as she has very few people that she is close to. I am debating printing this thread out and sending it to her....I'll let you know what happens, thanks everyone!

**HalMd** · 11-02-2006, 07:29 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Originally posted by vsjhoc

Lawyers can be just as human as people are.

Among all professions, they have the highest rates of depression, alcoholism, and career disatisfaction.

You're right. I shouldn't have stereotyped her or Lawyers.

I really wish her well, and I hope she wakes up and realizes all the opportunities available to her.

**Duchesse** · 11-02-2006, 07:52 AM

Re: tips for dealing with a gambler?

Originally posted by fairy74

Thanks for all the thoughts, I have decided to institute a five minute time limit when I talk to her. That way I will not get too bogged down in her morass. I don't want to cut her out totally as she has very few people that she is close to. I am debating printing this thread out and sending it to her....I'll let you know what happens, thanks everyone!

This sounds like a good idea but I can almost assure you that she will be insulted that you won't allow her to vent until she is spent.

One of you is going to

from this relationship.

tips for dealing with a gambler?